Writing, promotion, tips, and opinion. Pour a cuppa your favorite poison and join in.

Friday, December 28, 2012

Poetry Submission #2

Well Done on the first submission! YAY! And now we have a second submission! Even better. 
So again. I'll be doing my impressions. And we can go from there. 

There’s an angle, twisted sideways, crawling slowly up the rill.
And a softish spot of anger dying up there on the hill.
I can see the twisted corners of an odd, un-useful place,
or the gracious whim of someone who created this whole place.
This first stanza I had a hard time with only because I kept flipping back and forth between almost getting what you were saying and then thinking I was missing it entirely. And I think what my problem is is the quick shift between describing physical things using emotional verbs. (ex...the second line) I do like the cadence. I'm just not sure yet what it's about...

It’s odd to look at something that really doesn’t care,
or climb the angled mountain without the will to dare.
I can look up at the billows of the water down below,
and cry into the mirror at someone I don’t know.
Still not sure what, or who, is climbing  the mountain? I can feel the frustration of the speaker though. And for some reason I'm feeling a very remote lonely vibe. Kinda like Mt. Olympus. The Gods look down and are lonely in there all knowing-ness...

The place I see around me is a glorious tangled dream,
and I wander as I wonder along the color stream.
It’s odd to think of nothing, and to wonder ever where
the dream will turn a corner and the dreamer cease to care. 
Now I'm questioning if the speaker is even awake? I like the image of the last line though. Very well put.

But the dreamer is the angle, and the colors, and the dream,
and the edges of reality are hardly ever seen.
I climb along the angles, and the twisted, glorious lines,
the colors tucked inside the cracks and wrapped around the vines,
and I wonder if there’s someone in that odd familiar space,
around a corner, seeing me, but not my real face.
Hmmm. Was it all a dream? Were we supposed to know? I like the cadence. Until that last line. It needs another half beat. There's some good imagery in this. But it left me with an overall feeling of...Huh? Um? Bit confused about what it was about? 
And again. I'm not a poetry expert...
How about our readers! Thoughts? Impressions? Comments? Feel free to join in! And go back to the first one and share your thoughts on that one as well!

PS...I'm not sure why the typeface it coming out all wanky...I can't seem to fix it no matter what I do.  *&%@( blogger... BAH!


Bossy Betty said...

I like that second stanza very much. Interesting exercise!

Lauren said...

It doesn't have any meaning except what you give it. I just like the rhythm and the imagery. "Vague and slightly creepy." Like the old Fantasia, where the music creates the images.


mshatch said...

Makes me think of someone tripping, where the lines between real and unreal are blurred.

DEZMOND said...

I like the poem, I'd change the repeating rhymes "place" in the first stanza.

Lauren said...

Makes sense. For some reason I hadn't caught that (I changed the line to avoid another repeated word)

Lauren said...