Fortunately you are all spared my review of Skyfall – for now. Patricia has graciously allowed me to crit the first page of her current WIP, Dear Katherine, a prequel to Legacy of the Eye. My comments will be in purple and I hope you will add yours in the comments.
William opened the door to his office and asked the pregnant woman to come in and take a seat. She seemed no different than the many others he had met throughout the years. She told her story succinctly and he was impressed at how far she had traveled. She was probably one of the very few who had managed to visit every single inhabited planet in their galaxy. (What? Galaxy? Cool.) She gave him no name and presented herself as a nomad. It was clear from her story that she had the misfortune of realizing the Tetracoil Galaxy wasn’t the open-minded place it was expected to be. (This might be more effective if you showed it through dialogue or expression. Then again, this might slow the story down…depends on how important these two people are, I think. If we aren’t going to see this woman again then I’d tell rather than show.) Throughout his years as head of the Academy, William had seen many women arrive in Demia looking for acceptance and a home for the children in their womb. It was part of his job to hear their story and accommodate their requests.
“So what do you expect from Demia?” William asked when she finished her tale.
“Wisdom,” she said emphatically.
This answer took him by surprise.
Her tears started to flow--probably hormonally driven--and William could see she was struggling to keep control. “I have traveled the galaxy and I found many things. I found appetite; I found thirst. I found many beliefs, most of which contradict each other. What I haven’t found was a reason for existence--mine, yours, everyone’s. I’ve been trying to find my true self and everywhere I look I only find who I’m not...”
But, um, wait. That was it? Darn. Maybe I should’ve said 500 words! I was just starting to get interested. I wanted to hear what else she was going to say.