A big thank you to Patricia for submitting the first page of her scifi manuscript, The Legacy of the Eye. My comments will be in purple. I invite you to add yours and help Patricia make her first page the best it can be.
"Cat, we are stepping into our future and you’re not even paying attention."
Catrine almost lost her balance when David grabbed onto her arm all of a sudden. She had been so engrossed with their conversation that she had not (do you want had not rather than hadn't? I'm only asking because 'had not' is more formal, 'hadn't' less so. What tone do you want to set?) noticed they reached the gates of the Academy. The wooden bars were wide open and seemed more decorative than a true barrier to their exit.
"Our future doesn’t start for another couple of weeks," she said.
Graduation was still two weeks away and they were only allowed to leave the Academy that day because the Academic Council had granted them an audience.
"You’re wrong. This is it. Today we make history."
She laughed. "We should wait until the council approves the Tutor Program before we celebrate."
"Why would they reject it? You wrote a great proposal. The argumentation is flawless."
"Just because you couldn’t find any faults, doesn’t mean the council won’t."
Catrine had hardly eaten anything all day. Her insides were twisted in knots. But she was determined not to let her nervousness show -- not even to her best friend. Deep down, she knew they were as prepared as they could ever be. She had spent weeks writing the proposal and she had also prepared David’s speech with great care. They had discussed the potential program with many people, including instructors and students, and they had waited until all concerns had been addressed before submitting a proposal to the council. But it was such an ambitious project that she was not convinced they would succeed. Catrine was very glad David would be the one doing all the talking.
The first part with David and Cat talking is better because it's more active, them talking but this last paragraph is riddled with passivity as you can see from highlighting. I wonder if there's a way the conversation could continue to illustrate Cat's worries and explain about the program. Dialogue would be a much more interesting way of showing Cat's doubts. I also wondered why they were leaving the grounds to see the Academic Council, which I would guess would be located on Academy grounds. But there may be a reason for that which I would discover upon reading further...
Now it's your turn to tell Patricia what you thought of her first page.