tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post7650508956282660725..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Legacy of the EyeHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-57148179821852804542012-09-06T15:44:25.185-05:002012-09-06T15:44:25.185-05:00I'm wondering if it'd be possible to show ...I'm wondering if it'd be possible to show Cat's nerves a little earlier on (taking the last sentence of the last paragraph with it) and start that last paragraph at "Deep down ..."<br /><br />This is how I ended up reading the last paragraph:<br /><br />~~Deep down, she knew they were as prepared as they could ever be. She'd spent weeks writing the proposal and preparing David’s speech. They had discussed the potential program with many people, including instructors and students, waiting until they could address all concerns before submitting a proposal to the council. But it was such an ambitious project. One she was not convinced they could succeed at.~~<br /><br />And I really want to know what Tutor Program is, so I'm hoping there's a little bit more of a tease about that on the next page.Aldrea Alienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05652344290376563676noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-34546736490190847362012-09-05T18:08:28.363-05:002012-09-05T18:08:28.363-05:00I love when stories start with dialog. I may be we...I love when stories start with dialog. I may be weird that way, but it's something that grabs me. Liz A.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16531953467834426316noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-76896600820998769722012-09-05T14:34:07.027-05:002012-09-05T14:34:07.027-05:00I LOVE the first sentence. Really gets my attentio...I LOVE the first sentence. Really gets my attention. I also liked the dialogue and how it felt natural. I agree with maybe using contractions, depending on the tone you want to set. Also, that the last paragraph feels a little slow and the writing is passive. But I like it overall. :)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05439500317543155775noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-11752719290456843162012-09-04T21:08:10.170-05:002012-09-04T21:08:10.170-05:00I really like the first sentence, and I would defi...I really like the first sentence, and I would definitely read on to learn about this Academy. But I agree with the previous comments -- that big last paragraph seems like a summary, and I think you could find a more gripping way of providing that same information to the reader.Sam F.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04034367402431479011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-15343359182051615442012-09-04T20:50:08.871-05:002012-09-04T20:50:08.871-05:00As usual, Marcy had great comments.
The prevalen...As usual, Marcy had great comments.<br /> <br />The prevalence of "to be" verbs doesn't just mean there are too many passive sentences, it also means there's too much thinking/explaining/backstory and not enough action. The first few pages of the novel are not the place to explain things. Get the reader hooked with action and tension, and then explain things in little bits later in the chapter.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07735576044552810103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-8528111673471228732012-09-04T20:30:16.248-05:002012-09-04T20:30:16.248-05:00*facepalm*
'The passive...verbs that Marcy m...*facepalm* <br /><br />'The passive...verbs that Marcy mentioned, the 'to be' verbs...'<br /><br />Hubby talking + typing comments = incoherence.<br /><br />Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-30478832554913536342012-09-04T20:24:30.221-05:002012-09-04T20:24:30.221-05:00Ditto what Marcy said.
Also, note your dialogue, ...Ditto what Marcy said.<br /><br />Also, note your dialogue, very stiff and wooden. It needs punched up. Suggestion: "Cat, you’re spacing out again. Can’t you see the future is about to smack you upside the head."<br /><br />On the first page, try cutting down on unnecessary words. Suggestion: "Catrine lost her balance when David grabbed her arm" (grabbed implies 'all of a sudden')<br /><br />Be aware of echoes. Caps are mine:<br />"Our future doesn’t start for another COUPLE OF WEEKS," she said.<br />Graduation was still TWO WEEKS AWAY."<br /><br />The passive or double verbs Marcy that mentioned, the 'to be' verbs - was, were, is, became, am, are, be, become - make all of us crazy.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-1509882474748020002012-09-04T17:39:15.160-05:002012-09-04T17:39:15.160-05:00I agree with the passive paragraph at the end. Try...I agree with the passive paragraph at the end. Try and stick to the present at the beginning of a story. I also feel maybe we can be clued in a bit more to the characters...I know this is JUST the first page. But a lot can happen in that first page. They can already be striding away, quickly, from the university gates...They can be standing nervously in front of the head honcho's, getting dirty looks. TELL us everything! <br /><br />Though yes...it did kind of make me do a double take, wondering why the head guys weren't on campus? Alicia Willette-Cookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02174871217832164495noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-49770926157477167892012-09-04T15:03:22.184-05:002012-09-04T15:03:22.184-05:00Thanks for the critique! I really liked your sugge...Thanks for the critique! I really liked your suggestion to rework that passive paragraph a bit and add more conversation. I was trying not to fall into the trap of having David and Cat tell each other things they would obviously know, just for the sake of the reader to catch up. I think a bit of narration is important, but I can see how that paragraph might have been a bit much. Thanks!Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-26676305153253059162012-09-04T13:55:02.810-05:002012-09-04T13:55:02.810-05:00Highlighting the "was" words is a great ...Highlighting the "was" words is a great queue for someone to clue in that more powerful verbs are needed. I do like the story. But that's just it...when we all have these great stories in our heads, we can be in such a tumult to try and get them onto the page. It's in the editing where we can pull the sentences together better.Michael Offutt, Phantom Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10557969104886174930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-47056287314797065322012-09-04T06:28:59.710-05:002012-09-04T06:28:59.710-05:00The story is great. I like how you Hi-lited the pa...The story is great. I like how you Hi-lited the passive verbs. Karen Baldwinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01522178275164058849noreply@blogger.com