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Saturday, September 8, 2012

The Legacy of the Eye - revised

Thank you Patricia for taking the time to revise your first page. Here are my comments

     "Cat, we are stepping into our future and you’re not even paying attention."
     Catrine almost lost her balance when David grabbed onto her arm. She had been so engrossed with their conversation that she had not noticed they reached the gates of the Academy. The wooden bars stood wide open and seemed (seemed or were? Be specific) more decorative than a true barrier to their exit.
     "Our future doesn’t start for another couple of weeks," she said.
     Graduation was still two weeks away and they were only allowed to leave the Academy that day because the Academic Council had granted them an audience.
     "You’re wrong. This is it. Today we make history."
     She laughed. "We should wait until the council approves the Tutor Program before we celebrate."
     "Why would they reject it? You wrote a great proposal. The argumentation is flawless."
     "Just because you couldn’t find any faults, doesn’t mean the council won’t."
     Catrine had hardly eaten anything all day. Her insides were twisted in knots. But she would not to let her nervousness show -- not even to her best friend.
     "You are fretting needlessly," David said. (That seems like a very formal thing to say when the rest of their conversation hasn’t been. Why not have David say, “You’re worrying over nothing.”?) "We discussed the proposal with all the instructors in the department and we addressed their concerns. Everyone loved the idea to teach the rest of the galaxy and the council will too." Teach the rest of the galaxy what? This is very intriguing and a great addition imo.
     Deep down, Catrine knew they were as ready as they could ever be. She had spent weeks writing the proposal and had prepared David’s speech with great care. (Did David help at all with the speech? Isn’t this a we project? If so, maybe say “They had spent weeks… and instead of prepared, which seems a little dull, how about practiced and revised …just a thought) But it was such an ambitious project...
     "I'm just glad you will be the one doing all the talking," she said.

I think this is much improved. What do you guys think?


Lexa Cain said...

This is definitely improved and reads more smoothly. I'd still like a bit of action between dialog and inner thoughts - something to show me they're on their way somewhere important. ATM, you're "telling" us it's important, but not "showing" us because they seem to be just hanging out in a hallway, talking. For instance, have the mc check her bag or her travel pass with a shaking hand while she tries to keep up with her partner's long-legged steps.

mshatch said...

That's a good suggestion. Especially if she's a little nervous she might be checking to make sure she has everything she needs. Maybe when she laughs it sounds tinny to ears because she's nervous, or maybe there's habit she has - biting nails, chewing on lip - that could be added to show her nervousness.

Brooke R. Busse said...

...she had not noticed they reached the gates of the Academy... This phrase seems a little off to me. I would suggest either putting "had" after "they" or perhaps "she didn't notice when they reached the..."

Also, there is a small type here, she would not to let. Cut "to."

Those are the only other things I can find. :)

Huntress said...

Dialogue is one of the first things I check before I buy a book. Agents do this also when reading manuscripts. IMO, this still reads a bit stiff.

Here are a couple of suggestions on how to improve stiff, formal dialogue.
Find a willing helper to read the dialogue back at you, like a script. And listen to the movies or people in a mall, etc. Two people talking have a cadence that has nothing to do with grammar or style.

Patchi said...

Thanks everyone for your suggestions! It is slowly improving with each revision :)