Candance Crystelle's
perfect life vanishes into nothing when her wing is broken, her mother
dissolves her betrothed marriage and her sister, the future queen, banishes her
from the kingdom.
Her wing?! Oh, cool. And the bit about the sister creates a
bunch of questions in my mind. The good kind that piques my interest.
It is the phrase ‘…her mother dissolves her betrothed
marriage…’ that slowed me down. Conflict is right on the mark. My problem is with the wording.
Maybe it reads better, ‘…her mother breaks her engagement…’
Or something with more Voice. ‘…her mother destroys her wedding plans,’ ‘…mother
ruins her betrothal,’ ‘…kills her wedding plans’.
The part about the broken wing *really* made me sit up J
Readers? Comments?
7 comments:
I love the broken wing, and the passive voice suggests she didn't do it herself nor was it an accident. I agree that the "betrothed marriage" part is odd. Does her mother dissolve her betrothal or her marriage?
Really great Twitter pitch!
I agree with Patchi, that's the part that confused me. Is she already married or is she betrothed? Betrothed means to be engaged, so she can't be engaged and married.
But this did get me interested.
Agree with Huntress' suggestion; that could make it perfect :)
Thanks everyone for this helpful advice! I appreciate your suggestions:)
Here is the revise:
Candance Crystelle's perfect life vanishes into nothing when her wing is broken, her mother breaks her engagement and her sister, the future queen, banishes her from the kingdom.
I really like the revised version!
I like the revised. I'd read on.
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