Lead in: Ryanne (Ry) has just slipped into a private wedding. A magical compulsion of sorts is drawing her into her destiny. She just doesn't know it yet.
Question for you: What should I call the guy. Man sounds too old. He looks to be a couple years older than Ry, who just graduated from high school. Still looking for that YA/new adult voice. :)
The private paradise mesmerized Ry. For the first time in her life, she was surrounded by a beauty so perfect, it made her ache inside. She walked slow but couldn’t look at everything fast enough. The invisible force continued to pull her toward the center of the garden. Ry turned and walked backwards in an effort to get one more look at some tall spear flowers. And backed right into a pair of strong arms.
"Oh!” she yelped as those arms spun her around.
"Sorry about that. Didn’t have time to warn you.” The man whispered.
Time stopped.
Brown eyes with gold flecks looked deep into her soul. She breathed in his cologne, something close to reeds and rushing water with an underlying musk scent. In that one moment between blink and breath, Ry’s restlessness disappeared and she was home.
"Are you lost Ma Cherie?" His slightly accented voice was warm and full of humor.
I like this, but I'd like it even more if I saw a little more of the man/guy/dude who has captured her attention. Not a lot, mind, just a little, like show us how he looks to her eyes (college age? dark hair? Light? Is he smiling?) and I might consider putting this line "In that one moment between blink and breath, Ry’s restlessness disappeared and she was home." (which I love) after he asks if she's lost and after she's shown us (the reader) how he looks.
2 comments:
wonderful, dreamy scene. definitely fantasy fantastic!
Consider this re-write. Instead of: “…she was surrounded by a beauty so perfect, it made her ache inside” edit it like this: “…a beauty surrounded her so perfect it made her ache.”
I feel that the next sentence is too much tell rather than show but not sure.
Clarify “Ry turned and walked backwards” by simply substituting ‘whirled’ but again, that is subjective thought.
I LIKE ‘man’. When does a boy become a man, at what age? Call him ‘man’. It sounds very nice. Btw, what does Ryanne say? Does she think he is a man? I am looking for the YA/New adult voice also.
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