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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Pitch #2

Title: Uriel's Fall
Genre: Fantasy
Word Count: 90,000

Ronnie’s job is to separate shadows from the humans they possess. It
should be easy, except the shadows are whispering in their holding
cell: her head. The gods know more than they’re telling her, and if
she takes too long to figure out the truth her descent into madness
will become a one-way trip.


Huntress said...

My initial reaction:

Oh, this is totally COOL! Holy Canolli, I so want to read this!

I'll come down from my high and critique this later, But for now, Wow!

Charity Bradford said...

As I mentioned in the email, I think this is almost perfect! It drew me in and I really want to read this story.

The thought of holding shadows inside your head is so cool, and terrifying. This makes me ask lots of questions that I want to read for the answers. What are they whispering? How will she keep control of her own mind? How will she get them out?

I'll be honest and say I'm not sure what to critique.

Great job and pitch!

L. said...

I like it too.

Can you tell us anything about what the gods "know more" about, or would that be too complicated?

Huntress said...

In additon to my earlier comment, I can't find anything to crit. Good job!

Loralie Hall said...

Thanks all for the fantastic encouragement ^_^ I wish this had been my first try, but it kicked my butt for over a year before I got this version.

@L - I had the same concern, that the bit about the gods was too vague...I think I'll expand on it in the query, but I'm concerned that doing that in the pitch will weigh it down too much.

Brooke R. Busse said...

except the shadows are whispering in their holding cell: her head

This bit bothers me some with its wording. Maybe it's the slight cliqueness of voices whispering in your head. Perhaps try a different verb. I think it would be very beneficial.