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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

#2 Fight Scene-Sendek

Title: Sendek
Genre: Science Fantasy

Talia hid her face in her hands and didn’t see the Draguman run towards her, but Landry did. He shoved her out of the way and met the mass of muscles and scales head on. Talia scrambled out of their way, watching helplessly as their hands locked around each other’s throat in a death grip.

It would only be a matter of time before one of them lost consciousness, and there was little hope Landry would come out on top. Talia searched the ground for something she could use as a weapon. All she found was Landry’s flashlight.

It felt heavy and solid in her hands as she tightened her grip and approached the Draguman from behind. She raised it high and brought it crashing down on the green head with all her strength. A satisfying crack, vibrated through up her arms, rattling her teeth, but her relief was short lived as the flashlight shattered in her hands. The Draguman let go of Landry and turned its attention to Talia.

The moons’ light flashed off its eyes, paralyzing Talia. It reached out with large hands, grasped her shoulders, and flung her against the cliff face.

The air rushed out of Talia’s lungs and her back shredded as she slid down the rock to rest on the ground. Her eyes watered and she panted for air. A sharp pain in her chest dulled the ache in her back. The tips of her fingers tingled and sparkles danced at the edge of her vision, but she could see the blurry form stalk toward her.

Talia willed her muscles to move as she struggled to suck in more air, but her body was spent and there were no reserves to pull from. She watched death approach and wondered that it was different than her dreams.

The Draguman reached down, wrapped its hand around Talia’s neck, and pulled her to her feet. Sharp talons pierced the sides of her neck. As her feet left the ground, Talia grabbed hold of the arm holding her, She tried to wiggle her fingers between the vice-like grip to get some air. Her heart raced and she found herself counting each beat.

How many do I have left? The roar of the waterfall faded to the background.

A great weight fell from above, knocking Talia to the ground once more. The Draguman was jerked away by Jewel. Talia watched the blurry form of Jewel pin the Draguman down with her strong back legs and then slice upward with her front talons. The Draguman’s scales sloughed off easily and when Jewel brought the clawed front leg to her mouth, something dangled from it. Long and white, the coiled intestines uncurled as she slurped them down. Jewel paused, part of the entrails caught in her teeth. She popped her head upward and the stringy material bounced, landing in her mouth. No one should die that way.

Talia’s stomach churned as the smell of warm blood washed over her. She tried to stand, but found it harder to breathe with each move she made. The darkness closed in and she no longer fought it back. Before losing consciousness, she felt Landry’s arms slip around her and the comforting presence of his mind.

“I’m sorry.”


defcon said...

Your sentences are on the long side for an action scene. Also, they're all relatively the same length, meaning the sentence rhythm is the same.

If I were to redo the intro, this is how I'd do it:
Talia hid her face in her hands. She never saw the Draguman running towards her.

But Landry did.

He shoved her out of the way before clashing with the mass of muscles and scales head on.

Talia scrambled to put some distance between her and the fight. She turned back to see their hands locked around each other’s throat.

Killed some words as they were redundant and didn't add anything to this - if you've got you hands around someone's neck, it's safe to assume you're trying to kill them. Also, varied the sentence structures, as well as broke up the paragraph. Hopefully you see how this adds to the tension. And you know, apply it to the rest of this scene.

Huntress said...

"How many do I have left?"
A very cool line!

Love the imaginary. It is easy to follow and visualize. *gulp*
As far as tightening the words, what follows is very subjective on my part because in general this is excellent.
Second paragraph, I would shorten sentences to quicken the pace. Example:Cut *All she found was* and leave *Landry’s flashlight*. She sees the flashlight and focuses on it alone when she decides to use it.
"The Draguman was jerked away by Jewel" you can edit the passive by changing it around: "Jewel jerked the Draguman away."
"She watched death approach and wondered that it was different FROM her dreams."

defcon said...

Eck! Actually, I'd change that last sentence to: She turned back, and saw their hands locked around each other’s throat.

"to see" would imply that she expected their hands to be around each other's throat. And I don't think that's what you want.

btw, feel free to use this if you want in your story. I know some folks get weird about using other's rewrites, but I offered it, so it's yours to use.

Donna Hole said...

Wow, I liked this.

I agree with defcon's rephrasing to keep the 3rd pov. But overall, an excellent scene with quick action and easy to follow transitions.

I especially liked the way Jewel popped her head and slurped up the entrails.

But I got a good character sense from all three heros. Distinct individuals.

Well done.


Brooke R. Busse said...

Sharp talons pierced the sides of her neck. As her feet left the ground, Talia grabbed hold of the arm holding her,

I have some slight revisions for these two sentences to decrease repetition:

Sharp talons pierced the skin. As her feet left the ground, Talia grabbed the arm choking her.

I would also cut in a death grip and as a weapon. This bit has a typo vibrated through up her arms.

Basically, you just need to cut some phrases (besides the couple that I pointed out) and watch out for repetition.

I agree with all other comments.