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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Pitch #1

Title: Of Wishes Made
Genre: YA, paranormal
Shamira Kelley wants normalcy, college and a boyfriend. But she is a product of selective breeding, an Eversor. A Destructor. With little effort, she can control anything. Anyone. It is trust that comes hard. Especially when Faelan appears. Then she must decide if he is truly on her side or only using her like so many before him.


Charity Bradford said...

This sounds fascinating.

Here are my thoughts:

1. I don't know what an Eversor is, and in the pitch I don't need to know that word. I think keeping things general so the reader understands is more important than naming what she is.

2. Who has a hard time with the trust? Is it Shamira or everyone else having a hard time trusting her? It isn't clear, but from the last sentence I'm guessing its Shamira with trust issues.

Suggestion(You want to find something better than the italicized parts.): Shamira Kelley wants normalcy, college and a boyfriend, but she's a product of selective breeding making that difficult. With little effort she can control anything or anyone. Trust comes hard, especially when it comes to Faelan. Is he truly on her side, or using her like so many before him?

I made a few changes at the end as well because the last sentence feels wordy.

I'd totally read this though, and I love the name Shamira--brilliant!

L. said...

What is Shamira doing to get the normalcy she wants? What if she doesn't get it?

Is Faelan involved in that, or does he just turn up on the doorstep one morning?

Not that I would complain if a cute guy turned up on my doorstep... :)

mshatch said...

It's hard for me to comment since I've already read some of this - and liked it, I might add.

I'd warn about the wanting normalcy part. Someone told me agents are tired of hearing how your character just wants to be normal. maybe just leave it at this: All Shamira wants is to go to college and get a boyfriend. It should be simple, right? But no, not if you've been selectively bred to be "an Eversor. A Destructor. With little effort, she can control anything. Anyone."

I'm not sure if I like this "It is trust that comes hard." why does trust become hard? What has happened that has made her untrusting. And if you don't want to get into it in the pitch maybe just skip to the next part where Faelan enters the picture.

But that's just my opinion...

Brooke R. Busse said...

Is her main goal to be normal, or to figure out Faelan's motives?