Revision 1
When pursued by a sexy, blue-eyed immortal, an eighteen-year-old girl is bound to swoon. Dawn’s no exception—until reality, in the form of a soccer ball, hits her in the face and reminds her she’s related to infamous immortal traitors.
She runs screaming in the opposite direction.
But Kalan, the sexy immortal, follows and takes a psychic peek inside her mind. His intrusion unleashes a semi-psychopathic entity, Icy, who until this point had been living trapped and dormant in Dawn’s head. Icy’s ecstatic to be free and celebrates by mentally dropkicking Kalan into unconsciousness.
Dawn rushes home to get help from her older sisters—the same treasonous relatives who put her in this situation in the first place. But her sisters are gone and all evidence shouts kidnapping by someone from the immortal realms that parallel Earth. Dawn charges off to save them, but she ends up getting kidnapped herself.
Dawn’s captor, Guinevere, wants her to steal a powerful charm from Kalan. Dawn’s not qualified to steal bubble gum, much less a well-guarded charm. But, to her surprise, Icy makes her the perfect candidate to rob Kalan. And, just in case Dawn doesn’t want to help, Guinevere can always chop off Dawn’s sisters’ heads as a little extra motivation.
Complete at 100,000 words, SHATTERED is a new adult fantasy. It is set both on contemporary Earth and its nine parallel realms. The realms, as well as many of the characters and events, are loosely based on Norse mythology and Arthurian legend. I have included the first five pages of the manuscript in the body of this email.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Original-
When pursued by a sexy, blue-eyed immortal, an eighteen-year-old girl is bound to swoon. Dawn’s no exception—until reality, in the form of a soccer ball, hits her in the face and reminds her she’s related to infamous immortal outcasts.
She runs screaming in the opposite direction.
But Kalan, the sexy immortal, follows and takes a psychic peek inside her mind. His intrusion pisses off a semi-psychopathic alter ego living in Dawn’s head, Icy, who until this point had been trapped and dormant.
Dawn rushes home to get help—because, really, who wouldn’t if they started hearing a voice that mentally dropkicked a hot guy into unconsciousness? But her older sisters are gone and all evidence shouts kidnapping by someone from the immortal realms that parallel Earth. Dawn charges off to save them, but she ends up getting kidnapped herself.
Dawn’s captor, Guinevere, wants her to steal a powerful charm from Kalan. Dawn’s not qualified to steal bubble gum, much less a well-guarded charm. But, to her surprise, Icy makes her the perfect candidate to rob Kalan. And, just in case Dawn doesn’t want to help, Guinevere can always chop off Dawn’s sisters’ heads as a little extra motivation.
Complete at 100,000 words, SHATTERED is a new adult fantasy. It is set both on contemporary Earth and its nine parallel realms. The realms, as well as many of the characters and events, are loosely based on Norse mythology and Arthurian legend. I have included the first five pages of the manuscript in the body of this email.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
9 comments:
FanFreakinTastic first half. But the last line of the first paragraph confused the heck out of me.
Second paragraph could be tightened a bit. Love the idea of the ‘semi-psychopathic’ Icy though.
Shoot, the rest of the query could use a little work but it’s mostly subjective changes. Dang. I like this one. Love the Voice. And not just Icy’s.
Great query!
I think the connection between Icy being pissed off and dropkicking the hot guy into unconsciousness isn’t 100% clear; maybe if you used something like: His intrusion unleashes off a semi-psychopathic alter ego living in Dawn’s head, Icy, who until this point had been trapped and dormant. Icy’s pissed and trounces Kalan. Or the first round goes to Icy, or something like that.
Otherwise I like this; best of luck with it!
Heh, heh. Goodness! I agree with CD and Martha. Great idea and there are some super lines in this query. It's hard to pinpoint where to tighten because certain lines just wow me. I'm going to highlight my favorites so you know what NOT to cut. :)
The whole first paragraph--but I'd end it at "hits her in the face." Mostly because you never tie in her infamous immortal relations in the query.
"Dawn’s not qualified to steal bubble gum, much less a well-guarded charm."
I love the voice, but here's what I need to know that I'm not getting. How does Kalan tie into all of this other than as the owner of the charm? What is the importance of the charm? Are their stakes tied to it's use to add to the stakes Dawn has to save her sisters?
What is Dawn's biggest problem: Kalan, her missing sisters, or Gwen?
I like the beginning, but I think it needs tightening down. Sexy immortal but she runs screaming, then her alter ego smacks him down. It's a good hook, assuming Kalan is actually the locus of Dawn's story.
I love the first sentence- it makes for a great hook. I agree with the other comments- Your Voice is awesome! I would want to read more.
I was a little confused why she runs screaming in the other direction. Was it because she got hit in the face with the soccer ball? I guess that would do it...
Also, I love "mentally dropkicked a hot guy into unconsciousness." That line is awesome- don't change it.
Just needs a little tightening, but I think it's a great query.
Good luck!
The set-up's fun, but then it seems more like a query by paragraph 5. The previous paragraphs seem like extraneous detail. Interesting detail, but not the main thrust of the story.
Sounds like a great book, though.
Hey! Thanks for the great comments. I do need to tighten this up a bit.
Liz A. - I tried queries where I expanded the ideas in paragraph 5. They were boring. While finding the charm is Dawn's goal, it's the whole mess with Icy and Kalan that makes the story.
Kristen Smith, Huntress and Charity Bradford - Here's how it happens: Dawn is walking down the street, minding her own business when, BAM, she see's Kalan. Now Kalan is good looking, but he also has some lovely enthralling powers, so Dawn just stands there for a few seconds, mouth agape. Then a soccer ball hits her in the face, which knocks her out of the thrall. Since she's no longer in the thrall, her brain starts to work again and she remembers she's related to infamous immortal outcasts. All immortals are ordered to capture or kill the IIO and anyone related to them. Kalan's immortal. Therefore, Dawn runs. What of that do you think is important? I can't include it all. Do I need any of it? Thoughts?
L. Blankenship - all are problems, but I like to think Kalan gets in Dawn's way the most. So him.
Thank you everyone! I'll start my revisions.
The phrase "but she ends up getting kidnapped herself" seems a bit clunky.
How about "but she ends up kidnapped herself."
Or 'but she ends up captured herself."
"...nabbed..."
"...in a spot..."
Meh.
Revision 1: I really like how you reworded paragraph two and combined Icy's actions with his release! It's much smoother and makes more sense.
You can take out the "she" in the sentence: Dawn charges off to save them, but she ends up getting kidnapped herself.
I also think Huntress' suggestion above to replace kidnapped with captured or nabbed would work well.
You have a great idea here. Best of luck with it.
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