I'm working on a crit submission for tomorrow's post. You can still get yours in. I work on holidays -- obsession doesn't take a day off. Send up to 1500 words of anything to unicornbellsubmissions at gmail.com.
Meanwhile, I've been trying to hack out the back cover copy for my third book, a gritty fantasy romance called Disciple, Part III. Unlike query letters, back covers need to entice a general audience (could be anyone from a long-time fantasy reader to someone who never reads the genre) to take a closer look at the book. Like queries, they've got 200 words, at most, to do that.
So take your red pen to this!
Kate fought for her place as a healer in the war’s front lines. Serving her homeland has been her goal since her magical gifts earned her a coveted apprenticeship with the kingdom’s greatest healer. She believes she’s prepared.
But nothing’s simple when defending a besieged capital city — or her heart.
She loves the prince, who wants to protect her but his duties as a knight keep him on the battlements, defending the city.
Kate’s husband is the one who checks on her, lingers over dinner, and slowly but surely charms her. She’s all too aware that her beloved prince threatened to kill him if he touches her.
As the enemy army thunders against the city walls, the kingdom need more from Kate than just her healing magic. Every disciple must put aside their tangled feelings and stand in the homeland’s defense.
Kate believed she was ready for the war. Nobody ever is, in truth.
5 comments:
...the kingdom needS more from Kate...
Suggestion:
Kate believes she's ready for war.
Needs something after that. IMO something pithier than nobody ever is...
Wow that sounds powerful.I have followed your invitation to take out the editing pen and come up with this:
A well earned apprenticeship with the Kingdom’s Great Healer, allows Kate to pursue her goal to serve her homeland, using rare magical gifts.
But the demands on her escalate, when every disciple is pledged to stand united in defending their besieged homeland. Each must put aside any tangled personal feelings they may harbor.
With her lover, a Prince and her husband, a possessive and cruel man, can Kate’s heart withstand any more?
Kate believed she was ready for war, but which war and at what personal cost?
I really like the beginning, especially this pare:
"But nothing’s simple when defending a besieged capital city — or her heart."
Here is what I would do with the second part:
"[The prince she loves means] to protect her[, even though] his duties as a knight keep him [defending the city] on the battlements. [Instead he leaves her open to her husband's charms, who] her beloved prince [has]threatened to kill []if he [breaks his promise? and] touches her."
And at the end:
"Kate believed she was ready for the war. [But nobody ever is.]"
I hope this helps :)
This sounds like a great story. I think you could economize words by starting with the second sentence and mixing the "hard fought" part into that. Also, I feel like the war itself needs a bit of explanation. What is this war about? Otherwise, it's almost there!
I feel like there should be a bit more explanation after "the kingdom needs more from Kate than just her healing magic." What does the kingdom need?
Also, I agree with Patchi's suggestion about the last line, though maybe not the parentheses. :)
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