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Friday, July 26, 2013

Yay or Nay Friday

A submission!! *evil laugh* Now it is MY turn to rend and claw.
The sudden brightness of the massive kitchen stunned me. Then, just before my stomach reminded me how hungry I was, the earthy scent of roasting meat overwhelmed my starved senses. My knees felt suddenly weak.
My alter ego, Mistress of Metaphor, wants to insert phrases that would bring this paragraph to life. Allow it to breathe. Yes, like Frankenstein's monster.

My thoughts and suggestions:

Cut 'suddenly'. "My knees felt as if I'd just finished a four-minute mile."

Love 'earthy scent'. 

"I squinted my eyes against the brilliant sunlight pouring through the windows. A massive kitchen, bigger than some dwellings greeted me."

* * * *
What say you?

Cover reveal tomorrow!


Alicia Willette-Cook said...

Interesting...And something that I should have thought of. Der. Though...it's hard when you say "short phrase" not "long ass book passage!"

This is a closed in, no windows, kitchen, lit very brightly by lots of white lights reflecting off tiled and stainless surfaces. He's just come from a very dim, entryway. So the adjustment is severe. Plus some other stuff like he's been whacked on the head...and he's feeling rather sick. But I didn't think of how that interpretation would all get lost...you know...cause you can read my mind and all.

David Oliver said...

@Huntress In addition to your changes I would add this sentence after "stunned me."

I felt like a hungry mouse, out from my dark hiding place and into a world of light and wonderful smells.

Huntress, aka CD Coffelt said...

"The overhead lights hit me like an arc lantern, my eyes blinded in the white glare."

"I stumbled and stopped my fall with one hand on the wall. For a moment, my trembling fingers caught my attention."

***reading your mind. Bwhaha***

Hey, that is actually excellent.

Alicia Willette-Cook said...

All very helpful suggestions. Thanks! I think ultimately I need to rework this section anyway.

It is hard to edit with just one phrase to go on! Interesting exercise!

Tara Tyler said...

my knees wobbled as if i'd been asked on a date by chris hemsworth!

Tara Tyler said...

sounded fine as is too!