Title: STAYING DEAD
Genre: YA Dark Fantasy
Name: Kristy and Bryce
Dear Awesome Guest Judge,
Persephone Mead wakes up in a house with no ceiling, a bed covered with flowers, and a giant shard of glass embedded in her chest. Normal fifteen-year-old girls would start freaking out here. Persephone is not a normal fifteen-year-old girl.
She's back. It worked. After everything she's been through, she's finally made it.
But it doesn’t last. It never lasts.
And soon enough, she’s thrown back. Back down towards Earth. Back down towards a world full of smoke, debris, and wailing ambulances.
Persephone is not a normal fifteen-year-old girl. Because she just can’t seem to stay dead. And she has no idea why.
STAYING DEAD is a completed YA Dark Fantasy with a word count of 82,000. It was selected as one of the winners for Krista van Dolzer’s “An Agent’s Inbox” contest, judged by Hannah Bowman of Liza Dawson Associates. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Kristy Shen and Bryce Leung
4 comments:
I really like this!
I really like the concept and I really like the structure of the query. I would suggest though that you do not use repetitive words or phrases in your query. Any one evaluating this will be wary of the fact your manuscript may be full of them and it will take major edits to fix.
Persephone Mead wakes up in a house with no ceiling, a bed covered with flowers, and a giant shard of glass embedded in her chest. Normal fifteen-year-old girls would BE FREAKED OUT. Persephone is not a normal fifteen-year-old girl.
IN THIS PARAGRAPH YOU COULD LEAVE THE REPEATING PHRASE FOR EFFECT
She's BACK.It worked. After everything she's been through, she's finally made it.
But it doesn’t last. It never lasts.
And soon enough, she’s thrown BACK. BACK DOWN TOWARDS Earth. BACK DOWN TOWARDS a world full of smoke, debris, and wailing ambulances.
Persephone is not a normal fifteen-year-old girl. Because she just can’t seem to stay dead. And she has no idea why.
I SUGGEST NO USING THE PHRASE NOT A NORMAL FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL HERE. FIND A DIFFERENT WAY OF SAYING THE SAME THING
I would ask to see the manuscript to evaluate, but would have reservation you would have to overcome because of the repetitive phrases in the query.
Hi Kristy and Bryce,
Your query layout is very catching. Great job with the unique format. My only suggestion would be reworking this sentence: And soon enough, she’s thrown back. Back down towards Earth. Back down towards a world full of smoke, debris, and wailing ambulances. Like Nancy, I believe it is too repetitive and contains too many fragments so close together.
Hi Kristy and Bryce,
I like the premise and the unique slant on the query. I'd remove the repetitive words/phrases and rework or remove the sentence that Amy referenced above.
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