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Monday, August 27, 2012

QueryCon #16--Casualties of Work

Title: Casualties of Work
Genre: Fiction
Name: Loralie Hall

Dear Awesome Editor,

Riley’s To Do List:
- Land that VP of Technology position
- Convince her coworker his “sleep with me or I’ll destroy your
career” pick-up line is repulsive.
- Pretend she’s okay with selling her soul for success

Riley doesn’t mind that her job devours her time; it’s all about paying her dues and earning her next promotion. Still, she’s not about to pass up a rare, free Friday night and the chance to have some fun. She doesn’t expect ‘fun’ to end with a coworker forcing himself on her. News travels fast between corporations and it will only take a rumor that she led him on to earn Riley a spot on the software industry’s unofficial list of ‘Manipulative and Difficult to Work with Women’.

As Riley weighs ethics against career, her friends offer a sympathetic ear. Their support would be fantastic if they would stop pushing her to come forward about what happened. They don’t understand her career can’t afford the whispered questions wondering if she asked for it. But the idea of speaking up – even if it means sacrificing everything she’s worked for – grows more appealing every day. If she can’t decide where her priorities lie soon, rumors will make the decision for her. She doesn’t want to lose her choice again.

The women’s fiction CASUALTIES OF WORK is complete at 90,000 words. My short stories have appeared in several anthologies, including BOUND in WICKED CITY 2 edited by George Wilhite, and SUGAR-COATED DREAMS in GRIM FAIRY TALES edited by Dorothy Davies.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Unknown said...

I think this sounds like an interesting premise, but I'm not sure what type of story this is. "Fiction" doesn't describe a genre.

The query starts out almost comedy-ish, but it sounds like this is a story about a woman who has to overcome rape to grow in her career (not comedy).

I would really think about the heart of your story and rewrite this to reflect exactly what you want to portray.

Nancy Bell said...

nteresting and I would definitely want to look at the manuscript. However, I would suggest ending the first paragraph after the sentence about him forcing her. In the second paragraph, I suggest removing the sentence starting: They don't understand her career can't afford etc. Lastly, remove the to-do list. It would work well with a light hearted chic lit story, but sets the wrong tone for the serious nature of your story line.

Unknown said...

Hi Loralie,

You did a very good job on this.

My recommendation would be to begin this query at "Riley doesn’t mind that her job devours her time; it’s all about paying her dues and earning her next promotion..." From there on out, it flows very well and says everything you need it to say.

I would suggest making your genre more specific and removing the list. Also, I would refrain from submitting queries addressed to "Dear Awesome Editor" :)

Good luck!

Unknown said...

This is a great starting point. I think you could tighten things up by cutting out the to-do list and starting with one sentence that has more punch.

There is a lot of repeated information here, but also a lot of vagueness. I don't understand if Riley gave in to her coworker, what his threat was exactly (I mean I know he threatened to ruin her career, but HOW), and what exactly gets her put on this unofficial list. Also, perhaps there's a better title for the list? It's really not getting its point across to me.

"They don’t understand her career can’t afford the whispered questions wondering if she asked for it" is a confusing sentence.

It's great you have some works published already, I wish I could say that much! Best of luck.

abuckley23 said...

The query still needs a bit of work and definitely settle on your genre.