How to Screw-Up a Query

This godawful query was my first attempt. And yes, I actually sent this excrement to agents. *facepalm*

Comments are in red.

As a first time author, I am submitting a fantasy novel for your examination.

Never ever say this is your first effort as a writer.

As a life-long enthusiast of fantasy (is there any other kind?), I am delighted the current market seems very hungry for books about the supernatural and paranormal.

Who cares? Honestly, that sentence is a waste time.

I am impressed by the diversity of clients your agency represents. I aspire to be listed among your clients one day.

Well duh. Why else would you write this letter.

My synopsis follows:

ACK! Query, not ‘synopsis’.

                                                   

Dragons have walked in the midst of human kind for thousands of years, their stolen human bodies blending in with the populace.

They have always been opposed by the Masters, men who have bonded in symbiotic partnership with a supernatural sword, the Rapier.

Poor sentence structure.

Only this time, the new Master is not what the Dragon was expecting.

This time, the Rapier has bonded with a woman.

When Lee (bad spelling choice for a heroine. Later I changed it to ‘Leah’) hears the voice in her head telling her she is now the Master of a black and gold Rapier, she wonders why she should listen, especially when the tall black-eyed handsome stranger suddenly appears at her door.

Too many words.

And the Rapier must adjust to the growing interest Lee has for the Dragon that has come to kill her.

This is the first of an intended four novels. It is approximately 92,000 words with the title of, “Rapier”. I am currently writing the second novel and editing the outlines of the third and fourth novels.

Doh! Most agents want a completed novel and don’t care about the ‘intent’ of an unknown, unpublished writer.

Thank you very much for your time and the opportunity of submitting a fantasy manuscript.