#3 One-Line Pitch Example

Title: Of Oak & Daemons
Genre: Urban Fantasy

After inheriting a preternatural rapier, Lee Amber Sterling accepts talking swords and daemons are real; accepting she is at war with the daemons is where she draws the line.

#2 Three-Line Pitch Example

Title: Sendek
Genre: Science Fantasy
Word Count: 87,000

Sendek is a world rich with a magical heritage the people have forgotten in favor of science and technology, but Talia Shannon's prophetic dreams foretell an invasion by scaled humanoids. Caught between her job at the Space Exploration Foundation and her magical nature, Talia struggles to find a way to warn her people without revealing her source and at the same time prove to the handsome Commander Sutton that she is not a traitor to the crown.

The arrival of the invading force makes one thing desperately clear--science cannot save them and magic is now their only hope.

#1 Three-Line Pitch Example

My three-line pitch that I submitted to the contest at Savvy Authors:

Title: The Magic Withheld

Genre: Urban Fantasy

Romance is difficult enough between humans but for wizards like Justus Aubre it can be lethal when their runaway emotions cause cities to burn. He avoids romantic entanglements but when another mage stumbles into his bar, an impossible relationship develops and his choices narrow down to losing what he values most or gaining a power he did not want.

Elevator Pitches, Loglines, and Two Giveaways

This is your chance to win my all-time favorite guide for stylistic writing, Writing Tools by Roy Peter Clark. Easy and fun to read, he gives strategies and examples for the aspiring and professional author. This book never strays from my keyboard.

Also, I am offering a critique of your First Chapter.

Two winners for Unicorn Bells followers. Comment here. Link back to UB from your blog or Twitter account. If you prefer one prize to the other, let me know. Otherwise, the book is First Prize and the Critique is the second.

Now onto Elevator Pitches or Loglines, or How to Boil That Novel Down to its Bare Bones.

If you had one minute to tell me about your book, how would you start?

Let me give you a hint, if you began with, “Um, well…” You. Are. Screwed.

The Pitch can be one, two, or three sentences. It is a marketing tool. It is a hook. It is an introduction to your story.

It is vital.

Begin with an introduction. Who is your protag? Give me a name and a spare description to convey the setting, approximate age, and a character trait. One sentence.

Now, what is the conflict, your MC’s biggest inner dilemma? Specific, original details highlight your story and make it unique. One sentence.

The last sentence must leave the reader wanting more, the consequences if the MC fails to attain his or her goals. One sentence.

Now highlight the words your pitch simply cannot do without to create a one-sentence pitch.

In my research for this post, I ran across several examples of pitches. This is from Douglas Clegg:

"In this tale of swords, sorcery, and vampires, a boy grows to manhood in a brutal medieval world. Rising in his station through his talent as a falconer, he falls in love with the baron's daughter -- but when their love is found out, he is forcibly conscripted into the Crusades. There, despairing of life, he seeks death -- and finds his destiny as a messiah of vampires in the bloody embrace of a female vampire called Pythia.

Filled with ancient buried kingdoms, battles against the Saracens, as well as a quest for a legendary Priest of Blood who will bring power to this falconer, this is the first book of a proposed dark fantasy trilogy called The Vampyricon."

Even though the author went on to say this pitch needed improvement, his example sold me. I bought the book. Is it any good? I don’t know, not yet. The point is, the pitch alone created interest and it worked as a marketing tool.

Submit your Elevator Pitch to cdcoff(at)gmail(dot)com and I will post them for an open critique by members.

Comment here to win Writing Tools or a First Chapter Critique.

Link to Unicorn Bell from your blog or Twitter account.


You have until Thursday, July 14th, at 11:59 pm to enter. I will announce the two winners on Friday, July15th.

Good luck to all!

Keeping the reader hooked

Thank you for your first sentence submissions! I hope the comments were helpful in some way.

Now, lets talk about those other hooks I mentioned on Tuesday. Once you have the reader's attention, you want to keep it. You do that by hooking them at every opportunity. The beginning of every scene/chapter and the end of every scene/chapter.

I admit, this is something I'm still working on. Some of my chapter endings make it easy to put the book down--bad!

For a great example, think of The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I'll admit it took me a page or two to get into this book, but by the end of chapter one Collins has you and she doesn't let go. Think about the end of each chapter. Did each chapter resolve?

No!

Collins was brilliant in her breaking the scene in half with her chapter breaks. That's how she kept you reading. You had to start the next chapter to see how Katniss made it through the immediate conflict/task. And then Collins started a new conflict before the end of the chapter making it VERY hard to find a place to put the book down and go to sleep.

Now, we can't all copy Collins because we have our own voices. But, think about ending each scene with a cliffhanger (hook) so the reader has to turn the page.

Here are some of the last sentences from Sendek. Some of them work as hooks. Most of them don't. Granted they work better with the context of what comes before. For the most part I have a lot of work ahead of me based just on my endings. I bolded my favorites.

Prologue
It was a high price to pay--his soul--but the demon would prolong his life and give him strength to carry out his plan for revenge.
1
How I wished he were here to comfort me now.
4
He hoped the magic of dragons would help him return to Dailya when all of this was over.
6
There were mages somewhere on the planet and he needed to find them.
11
I sighed as part of me wanted to accept his invitation.
14
Whatever potential he has will be wasted if he follows me onto the tram.
16 (scene break)
The whispers of his mind didn't have time to register before everything went black.
20
He trembled as he heard the lock click in the door behind him.
26
"Too bad for you this is the hell I came from."
29 (scene break)
My stomach flip-flopped as I realized I was about to meet more people like me. (This is a horrible sentence!)
34 (scene break)
I gathered the energy until I exploded.

Look through your manuscript and just read the last sentences. Make a list if needed so you can see all of them at once. It is amazing what you can learn about your writing.

I just learned that Talia passes out A LOT. I need to fix that.

Take a look and share what you learn about your MS and some of your favorite last sentences as well!

First Sentences--Mixed Genres

I thought I'd break these up for commenting purposes. Same rules as before:

Please read and tell us if the first sentence grabs your attention and why. If it doesn't, tell us why as well. Please be respectful with your honesty.

Thanks!

1. Title: THE LULLABY
Genre: YA fantasy

“Are you sure you can handle them, Maggie?” Rieta hovered in the doorway.

2. Title: THINKING OF YOU
Genre: paranormal

The Enclosure stood solitary and alone.

3. Title: The Hunt (Goddess of the Hunt Series #1)
Genre: YA Science Fiction Fantasy Romance

Aurora Grey sits at the small round table in her kitchen and tries not to laugh at her mother.

4. Title: Unbroken (Staying Alive Series #2)
Genre: YA Dystopian paranormal romance

Pulling his mother’s SUV into the driveway, Liam finally allows himself to relax.

5. Title: Faerie Wings
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

"If I do this, you'll owe me big time Kevin." Ryanne swallowed hard and looked away from her best friend.

6. Title: Finding Me
Genre: Contemporary Women's Fiction

Every day I promise myself that today is the day I forget, but I never do.

First Sentences--Fantasy Genre

Read the first sentence and then tell us if it grabs your attention. Why? What does it make you wonder about, want to know, etc?

If it doesn't grab your attention--why not?

Please remember to be respectful in your honesty.

1.  Title:The Rapier
Genre: Urban fantasy

It waited in the shade by the cool pond.

2.  Title: Crystalline
Genre: Epic Fantasy

The legends gave them their names but time gave them their identities.

3.  Title: Broken
Genre: Urban Fantasy

The daemon was dead, no question about that.

4.  Title: The Way to Dendara
Genre: Fantasy

For Lucy, it began with a package, a small unobtrusive brown-paper wrapped package.

5.  Title: Fairy Tail
Genre: Fantasy

It looked like a celebration.

6.  Title: The God Chronicles
Genre: Fantasy

Actually, in the beginning, God was an apprentice.

Hooks and Payoffs

What's the one thing we all want to know more than anything?

How to HOOK an agent.

Yeah. We can say we write because something in us compels us to write or we enjoy it, but the truth is if you're reading blogs on how to improve your writing you want something more. We want validation. We want to see a book with a great cover and our name. We want to see our story on the big screen and go to lunch with J.K. Rowling and Stephanie Meyer.

*cough* Um, anyway. We hook an agent the same way we hook our readers. With the writing.

Yeah, funny how that works isn't it? Where does the writing start?

The all important first sentence.

The first sentence sets the tone for the entire story. It has to drop us into a situation, introduce a concept, character, setting, conflict--something that will make us want to read the next sentence. We want to feel emotionally connected in some way--curious, concerned, angry, tickled (if its humor), etc.

Some ways to hook a reader:

1. Open with a major change in the protagonist's life (inciting incident)
2. Set up a unique setting
3. Show the protagonist in conflict with someone or self
4. Start with realistic and snappy dialogue to show your voice
5. Ask a question that the reader MUST learn the answer to
6. Start with humor--if the story is supposed to be humorous. This is hard to do and if you start with a bad joke it could backfire on you--see below.
7. Start with suspense or mystery


Now for the No-nos? K.M. Weiland wrote an excellent post on Sunday with some examples. I'm going to list them, but highly recommend you go read the original post.

Don't lie to your reader to hook them by:
1. Starting with a dream--waking, none of it was real
2. Someone playing a joke to make it look like something scary/bad happened--unless the story is about someone who jokes like this all the time.
3. Hyperbole--overly dramatic statements when nothing really happened (ex. "my life if over!" when the parents simply said "be home by eleven" or something similar)
4. The false alarm--the "just kidding"

Why is it bad to stretch the truth a bit to grab the interest of the reader? They will not trust you, get frustrated and walk away. Remember, as writers, we may only get one page to convince someone they want to read the whole book.

Each hook needs a Payoff

I know this doesn't have anything to do with the post, but I thought the shirt was funny.

Hold on, what do you mean "each hook"? I thought I only needed one at the beginning of the book.

I learned an invaluable lesson from Lynnette Labelle when I took her Hook Line and Sinker class in Feb. If you want to keep a reader interested you need to end each scene and chapter with a hook. That way the WANT to keep reading.

Now each of these hooks MUST have a payoff. You can do this immediately (next scene starts where you left off and you get the payoff) or delay it (you end a scene with something shocking but the resolution isn't in the next one.)

Have I dumped a ton on you? Seriously, follow the links and it will make sense.

So, tomorrow I will start posting the First Sentences that you have sent me. Come by and comment on which ones hook you and why. Hopefully we will start to see what works and what doesn't.

You still have time to email them to charity.bradford@gmail.com with Unicorn Bell: First Sentence in the subject line.

Format the email as follows:
Title:
Genre:
First Sentence:

First Sentence Hooks

What are you doing here? If you live in the US you should be at the pool or lake or having a good time somewhere.

For those of you outside the US, thanks for being patient while we play.

Tomorrow we'll discuss hooking your reader. Right now I want to open up for submissions of the first sentence of your WIP. Let's see them standing all alone and see if they hook us. Send your first lines to charity.bradford@gmail.com. Please put Unicorn Bell: First Sentence in the subject line and format the entry as follows.

Title:
Genre:
First sentence:

If you have multiple stories, you can send as many first lines as you want in the same email.

And the winner is...

Donna Hole! Come on down!

Huntress just needs your address to send your book so email her: beccoff@nwmo.net and congratulations!

I would also like to invite anyone who wishes to have their first page or query letter critiqued next month to email me: marcy@tidewater.net and put unicorn bell in the subject line.

Enjoy the long weekend everyone who gets it :)

On Common Ground - first page critique

David said I could choose so I picked the completed novel and this is the first page (I hope!) I got from his blog. My comments are in purple:

Grace leaned back against the door to the coffee shop and smiled up into the sunshine, sipping her hot vanilla cream mocha. A day off after a long week pulling extra duty alone. Her partner was on vacation with his pregnant wife. He'd gotten married the year before. She smiled, remembering the ceremony. It had been a nice one, and he and his new wife had gotten more toasters and towels than they'd ever need. The best joke of the wedding presents was that her partner didn't even eat toast. She paused on the corner, debating how to spend her pleasant and well-deserved morning off.

The sound of hurried footsteps caught her attention and she turned to watch a boy run headlong across the traffic toward her, seemingly (seemingly is a very vague word. Do you want to be vague here or more specific? Just asking.) heedless of the danger he was throwing himself into. He couldn't be more than twelve, and looked something between frightened and determined. She heard a whisper (who?) in her ear and looked to her left. A sedan was pulling out into the street from the side road. The driver, too busy talking on his cellphone to pay attention to his driving, hadn't seen the boy. With no time to think, she stepped off the curb and threw her coffee cup at the windshield of the oncoming car. (I admit I was a little confused by where exactly Grace was standing and had to go back and read it through again. But that's just me.)The Styrofoam cup burst on contact and splashed the brown steamy liquid across the glass, catching the immediate and brake-squealing attention of the driver, who stared in shock through the vanilla mocha residue as Grace grabbed the startled boy by the lapels of his jacket and jerked him back to safety on the street corner. She looked into his face, holding him firmly by his jacket. He had brown eyes and a mass of curly hair. His cheeks were smudged with dirt and there was a scrape against one jaw.

“What's wrong with you? Why were you running across the street like that?”

“There's a lady! She's in danger! They're gonna kill her!” Love this! Makes me want to know more, like who's the lady and why does someone want to kill her?

Grace stared into his face and hesitated only long enough to mentally check whether she had brought her sidearm and badge with her when she left the house this morning. She had. Now I'm sensing there's a lot more to Grace than I first guessed. She's no pansy.

“Show me where.”

The boy nodded and turned back across the street, glancing back every few steps to make sure she was still following him. They sprinted down the street and took a right at Hawthorne, stopping halfway down the block at an alleyway. Good pacing.

“Down there?” The boy nodded and pointed to the back of the alley, where it turned at the end of the building and continued on into the between places, the area behind the stores that held the trashcans for collection, among other things. “Go call 911.”

Grace pulled her revolver and headed down the alley, slowing where it turned and the air grew darker, danker. The garbage that inhabited this back alley gave the air in it a permanent stain of mildew and rot. She stepped slowly down the alley, checking behind the large dumpsters as she reached them. She began to wish she had asked the boy how far down the alley she needed to go. Ahead she saw the break in the walls that signaled another entrance corridor like the one she had used to get back here. Love the atmosphere created in this last paragraph; the stink of the garbage, the closeness of it, the corners...where anything might be lurking/waiting.

Overall, not much to crit, really; I was pulled in by the end of this first page, wanted to know more about Grace, who carries a badge and a gun and likes vanilla mochas, and the boy who's worried about a un-named lady that's going to get killed (by whom?). Great beginning. 

What do you think?

query #2 - Sendek revised

Alright, I've tweaked it a bit from the last time. :)

Dear _____,

Talia Shannon dreams of scaled demons attacking, hunting, and burning her world. These prophetic dreams leave her sore and wasted, but each morning the twin suns rise to heal her and erase any evidence of her injuries.

Determined to find a way to survive the coming invasion without revealing the magical source of her information, Talia searches for scientific proof of extraterrestrial life. Her work leaves no time for personal relationships, but Landry Sutton isn’t looking for a friend. He’s looking for a spy and Talia fits his profile. ooh! I like this!

Near one of the moons, the Draguman, a human dragon hybrid created in Sendek’s past, have returned from exile. Smarter and stronger than ever, they plan to wipe out their creators and claim Sendek for their own. As a direct descendant of the mage who created the Draguman, Talia is the key to their destruction—if she can trust the magic coursing through her veins. I almost want this last sentence in a paragraph of its own and maybe add in something about how she comes to work with Landry.

When science fails to protect her way of life, magic becomes the only hope.

SENDEK is a complete science fantasy novel of approximately 87,000 words available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Now for all you followers, especially those who saw this query last time, please comment and feel free to agree or disagree with my comments! And remember, the more people who critique the more helpful we are :)

I'll be back tomorrow to check in...

query #1

This is my query is for a YA fantasy I wrote called Fairy Tail. By all means comment and suggest away. As soon as I get one of your submissions I'll post it. Like immediately.

Dear Agent;

The game is afoot; after years of war, the Seelie Court and the Unseelie Court have merged. But in this game the pieces are mortal ones; it is the fairies who move them, manipulate them for their own amusement. And while Callista arranges an alliance between two neighboring kingdoms, gifting the heirs with Love and Happiness, her rival, Matisse, hatches a plan to switch her own daughter for the Princess of Ghent and wed a fairy to the mortal Prince of Rhodes.

But before either fairy's plan can reach fruition a medallion sends Lyra, the true Princess of Ghent, on a search for her own identity, a search that will draw her away from the only home she's known. Along the way she’ll stumble into Faerie where she’ll meet Calix – a recluse content with the occasional mortal seduction – then to Rhodes where she’ll masquerade as a servant to Prince Xander, and finally to Ghent and the sister she never knew she had.

Meanwhile, her sister Phaedra has known all along who she is and what is expected of her but when she meets Lyra the idea of being Queen is suddenly not nearly as appealing as being someone else. For these sisters, the truth may be the only thing that will save them from the machinations of Faerie and from Matisse, who will not be so kind as to send Lyra away in a basket this time, at least, not in one piece.

Fairy Tail is complete at 97,000 words and would likely appeal to fans of Melissa Marr, Patricia A. McKillip, and Robin McKinley.

Calling for submissions

I'd love to post some more queries or a first page for critiquing this week. Care to submit? If so email me: marcy@tidewater.net and put unicorn bell in the subject line. Let me know if you want to be anonymous. If not, provide me with the name you would like to be known as and a link to your blog/website. Likewise, please link back to this blog.

You can also still enter the contest to win Donald Maass' The Breakout Novelist. All you have to do is:

1. Comment here.
2. Link to Unicorn Bell from your blog and/or Twitter account.
3. Be a Follower if you aren’t already

Tools and a Contest

A butter knife can turn screws and I’ve use a screwdriver as a pry bar.

One time, I whacked a molehill into submission with a pry bar. Call it my Caddyshack moment, me beating the moving dirt where the mole was hiding (laughing), hair flying around my head like a wild woman. And I missed. The. Mole. But I digress.

My point? To get the job done, use the tools that are on hand.

Writers see a crowded mall as inspiration. They note human reactions such as facial expressions or hand gestures and put them to creative use in their WIP. Scrutinizing total strangers works pretty darn good too; at least until your suspicious behavior attracts attention. Then people point at you and call the cops.

Physical inspiration, the observation of the world around us, is invaluable. But one tool gave me another kind of inspiration that should be on the desk of any serious writer.

The Breakout Novelist by Donald Maass.

Easy and fun to read, this book details the craft of writing, how to form a cohesive story, what the literary agent/publisher wants in a book. The newest edition has worksheets that guide the writer through the needle’s eye of composing a brilliant novel.

My copy has dog-eared pages with tabbed, marked up, and highlighted sections throughout. Or in other words, much used.

Contest anyone?

For a copy all your own:

1. Comment here.
2. Link to Unicorn Bell from your blog and/or Twitter account.
3. Be a Follower if you aren’t already

The contest will run until 5pm CST June 30. I will announce the winner chosen by Random.org on July 1.
Happy Weekend to all.

#3 Faerie Wings

Title: Faerie Wings
Genre: Urban Fantasy

Today I watched my best friend say 'I do' to a girl wearing a high school cap and gown over her wedding dress. She thought it was cute. The rest of us knew it for what it was—a bid for even more attention.

The worst part was that I had to smile and pretend I was happy about the whole thing. She’d had the nerve to ask me to be her maid of honor.

I pulled my graduation cap off and tossed it on the table. Kevin owed me big time.

I grew restless while they danced with the rest of our graduating class. The music drummed inside my head and all I could think of was getting out. The new bride must have felt the power of my glare, because she sailed off the dance floor to sit by me.

Jessie plunked down beside me. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Headache.” I tapped my temple.

“Whatever. Look, if you need some air feel free to take a walk. We don’t really need you for anything now.” She smirked at me and it took all I had not to smack her.

I watched her return to the dance floor. With the arrival of the bride, the music kicked in with a furry while Kevin melded himself to her side and the crowd cheered. The bass reverberated in my heart and I fled out the back door of the reception hall.

#2 The Rapier

Title: The Rapier
Genre: Urban Fantasy

When I was a kid, I found a human skull. But that isn’t the bad part. It’s the nightmares and the screaming. And the longevity. After fifteen years, it should be ancient history.

Not counting the original owner, only one other person knew about the skull.

But he too is dead.

#

On some distant level, I knew it was only the dream, as familiar a place as the shape of my nose in the mirror. But in my nightmares, it wasn’t my face reflected in the night-darkened pool or my boots walking through the dry leaves. The hands holding the weapons know the caress of the iron. And my belly flutters with the familiar dread of the hunted.

The emotions are the same; desperation and the acceptance of things left undone. And my screams when utter failure is all I can expect…

And waking up in my bed.

With a groan, I slumped back for a moment, and then sat up to fight my way out of the twisted, damp sheets.

Just when I think it is all behind me, the stupid dreams, the yelling…

I brushed the hair away from my face, grimaced when I saw my hand still trembled and clenched it into a fist. With a muttered oath, I pulled my legs from the rumpled sheets, made the bed properly and padded to the kitchen.

Eva, my sometimes-roommate, sat at the table cradling a cup of caffeine in one hand, a newspaper spread open in front of her.