Writing, promotion, tips, and opinion. Pour a cuppa your favorite poison and join in.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

First Sentences--Mixed Genres

I thought I'd break these up for commenting purposes. Same rules as before:

Please read and tell us if the first sentence grabs your attention and why. If it doesn't, tell us why as well. Please be respectful with your honesty.


Genre: YA fantasy

“Are you sure you can handle them, Maggie?” Rieta hovered in the doorway.

Genre: paranormal

The Enclosure stood solitary and alone.

3. Title: The Hunt (Goddess of the Hunt Series #1)
Genre: YA Science Fiction Fantasy Romance

Aurora Grey sits at the small round table in her kitchen and tries not to laugh at her mother.

4. Title: Unbroken (Staying Alive Series #2)
Genre: YA Dystopian paranormal romance

Pulling his mother’s SUV into the driveway, Liam finally allows himself to relax.

5. Title: Faerie Wings
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

"If I do this, you'll owe me big time Kevin." Ryanne swallowed hard and looked away from her best friend.

6. Title: Finding Me
Genre: Contemporary Women's Fiction

Every day I promise myself that today is the day I forget, but I never do.


Huntress said...

I would read the rest of the paragraph just to discover what Maggie is handling and why it is a problem.

‘Solitary’ and ‘alone’ means the same thing. Maybe give it some life with a descriptive comparison. “The Enclosure stood alone like a (fill in the blank)"
That said, I would read on.

Present tense always throws me for a bit, purely subjective, btw. That said, I would read further to discover what her mother said and why Aurora shouldn’t laugh.

I have a problem with sentences -- especially the first line -- beginning with participial phrases. While it is grammatically correct, it weakens the writing.

I like the dialogue but would cut the ‘…swallowed hard…’ Maybe instead, ‘looked hard at her best friend’. A simple attribute, quick for the mind to grasp.

Interesting. IMHO, this line and submission creates the most intrigue and I would definitely read on. Maybe find a way to edit the number of ‘days’ though. ‘Every day I promise myself that today I will forget, but I never do’.

mshatch said...

#1 handle what? Is it a them as in a living them or is it something inanimate? I'm curious so I'd read on.
#2 I agree with Huntress; solitary and alone mean the same thing. I think the author could stick with just one and this sentence will be just as effective. After all, enclosure is capitalized, indicating that it is much more than just an enclosure.
#3 Makes me wonder why she's trying not laugh so I'd read on to find out.
#4 This makes me curious as to why Liam was tense before - what was happening and why does he feel safe now?
#5 Do what? Another good one, making me want to know what someone is reluctant but willing to do for their best friend.
#6 Again, forget what. I want to know what someone is trying so hard to forget so I'd read on.

Charity Bradford said...

Once again lots of good stuff here. You guys are really good at first sentences!

1. I'd read to see what needs handling (kids, dragons, some other mystical beast?)

2. I agree with Huntress and mshatch on this one. The great thing is you can take out "alone" and finish the thought with a metaphor to create an image in our minds. Ex. "The solitary Enclosure stood out like a mole/blemish/wart on a beautiful woman's face (or whatever actually gives the feel you are looking for).

3. I love the light-hearted feel of this beginning and I want to know what's so funny.

4. Same as mshatch, why was he tense before?

S.E. Gaime (aka defcon) said...

1. Sounds like the start to a UF with an ass-kicking female protag. Sorry, but I've seen too many of those.

2. I like this one. I believe the repetition is done on purpose. Solitary can mean unsociable and as a result of being unsociable, it's alone. Gives you the idea that the Enclosure is a person (personification), not a thing.

3. Doesn't sound like the beginning to a SF/F to me. Sorry, not interested.

4. I might read on, but I need something more than SUV and driveways; I want something that defines THAT world, not something that sounds like our world. Also, I don't recommend present tense in 3rd person.

5. Missing a comma after "time". This is why I don't like dialogue starts, because I [the reader] only get to hear a little bit of it, and it doesn't make me curious, it makes me confused. What are they talking about???

6. I like this. Even though I don't read women's fic, this one sentence packs a lot of info about the character. A bad memory, possibly regret, which she can't let go, no matter how hard she tries. I can instantly relate.

Just curious, is there a reason most of these are YA?

Amy said...

#1: Sounds interesting, and would like to know what she could handle.

#2: Nice start, very curious about the enclosure.

#5: I like this, it makes me wonder what she has to do.

#6: Great job, I like how it has feeling right from the start. I would continue reading.