First Page Critiques

And a tiny contest.

The call for submissions begins today and ends Tuesday, June 14 @ 5 pm, CST.

First Page

250 word count

Email submissions to cdcoff(at)gmail(dot)com.

My rules:

• Must be a follower of the blog to submit and critique other’s work.
• Civility is paramount. Be polite. Be overly polite even.
• Submissions should include Title, Genre, and Name. Note; the names WILL BE DELETED before I post.
• Critique the submissions in the comment section.
• If you wish to revise and post edited submission, do so in the comments section. But remember, you will lose your anonymity at that point.
• Be prepared to back up your crits, btw. Research is the key.
• Agented, Unagented, Completed or Work In Progress manuscripts

After deleting your name, I will post the submission for critiquing by our members.

If you submit for critiquing, please be prepared to crit others.

As for the Tiny Contest, I will critique the first ten pages of one submitter. Random.org will choose the winner.

Please comment on your blog and give Unicorn Bell a shout out. The more participants we have, the better the crits.

Okay *cracking knuckles* let’s get to it.

Submit your 250 word First Page to cdcoff(at)gmail(dot)com.

Is it Summertime?--How to handle critique

I think it must be. We only had one submission for critiques this week! I hope everyone is traveling and soaking up the sun. That's my plan starting on Monday.

I did want to finish my thoughts on critiques today while it's fresh in my mind. This is my only rule:

It's all subjective!

Ten people can read the exact same scene and it will be some random configuration of

or hate it

What's a writer to do?

1. Remember your vision for the story. What do you want to accomplish? What emotions, thoughts, changes do you want to invoke in people with your writing? What makes the story resonate the most with you?

2. Look at the comments that were offered--specifically questions asked. What do the questions reveal?

   a. Is the reader asking the question you want them to be asking at this time? Do you answer it later in the WIP in a timely and crucial moment?

   b. Is the reader asking the wrong question entirely? Look to see where they might have been misled and fix it so they start asking the right question.

   c. Is the reader asking about something that you thought you already explained? You may need to beef up a sentence or two to clarify and make sure the reader doesn't miss important details.

   d. Is the reader asking about something you thought was obvious so you never explained it? This one is a bit tougher. As writer's it's all in our heads so it is obvious to us. But we are also told not to lay everything out in excruciating detail as if our readers are stupid. I would seek for second and third opinions on these kinds of questions.

Example: I had an adult female and a teen female beta read Sendek (over a year ago). The teen asked very different questions and I realized most of them were simply because she didn't have the same years of experience to understand the context. So, although she enjoyed the story, she didn't get a lot of the motivations. Sendek is not YA and none of the adults had a problem understanding so I didn't make any changes.

and finally...

   e. Are they asking a question you never considered? Some of my best scenes came about because someone asked a question that burned itself into my head. I became obsessed with finding the answer and it improved my story in a way I could not have done alone.

3. Now that you have all these comments, questions and typos pointed out, work through your WIP and make the changes you feel best fit your goals. You don't have to get bent out of shape about a comment because you are still in charge. 

This is your story. 

As long as you remember that critiques are one person's opinion you can use them to your advantage.

Find someone who would be your target audience for the best feedback. Those are the ones that will matter most, but anyone can spark your imagination with questions. These are just a few ways that a good critique partner (or 3) can take your writing and your story to the next level.

Question for You: Would you rather find a critique partner now or after the summer is over?

Fearful Critiques #1

Vesper's Call
Sci-fi/Action/Adventure
336 Words

I've reworked this several times already, but something just seems off about it still. I can't quite capture the anguish and helplessness, and I'm not sure I managed to portray the psychological transformation from mother and doctor back into assassin.

This scene is toward the beginning. So far, there's been a bombing while Kallen is on the way to lunch. She is a trauma surgeon, so she works her way through injured people back to the hospital. After a while, her twin daughters are brought in, but one is already dead and the other dies in her arms. In her peoples' traditions, she burns the bodies at sea. Before this piece, we get a small hint that she was an assassin, but nothing big. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you!

Long after the last of the ash had descended below the water, the lone woman trudged slowly back up the dunes, ignoring the sand between her bare toes and the wind knotting her red-blond hair. The hem of her battered and bloody scrubs tore how did they tear?, but she didn’t even notice. She mounted the steps and entered the cozy, fortified cottage that had been home to the small family for the past four years. Wispy memories surfaced, became tangible, touchable, the voices of the past drowning her in familiarity, in joy, in misery. I love this sentence. I can see her looking around and seeing the past.  Sweet little voices stabbed her ears; soft little fingers raked sharply over her skin; saintly little faces burned her eyes. I understand what you are trying to accomplish here, but the contrasting words felt forced to me. It might work if you just choose one set. Also, consider showing us a real memory instead of telling us what she's experiencing. Perhaps show the girls kneeling at the table making something for their mom, or giggling over a game. Let us experience the joy so the pain is all the more real for us too. It was all real and all imaginary; concrete but incorporeal. It was too much and not enough. LOVE THIS LINE.

Her lungs burned; too many breaths, too little oxygen. Suffocating, drowning, buried alive—hands reached out of the floor. Accusations, past sins, failures, shortcomings, they all reached out to trip her, kill her. She tripped and stumbled and was dragged down, but slowly, eventually, made her way to the rooftop terrace. There is so much going on here that I don't know what to focus on. Burned, suffocating, drowning, buried, accusations, sins, failures, shortcomings. It's telling as well. See my notes below for my suggestion of how to fix this paragraph. She crawled on torn-up hands and knees what happened to her hands and knees? Was she also in the explosion? closer to the sky, now tainted red with I suggest saying like since it isn't actually their blood in the sky the blood of her daughters. Slowly, painfully, as if moving through mud, all three things convey the same thought. she pulled herself to unsteady feet. Then, of course, there was only one thing left to do.

Head thrown back, arms flung wide, she screamed.

Breath after breath was drawn into clenching lungs, to be let out again, on its way serrating Is this really possible? Or do you just mean bruised? I don't know I'm just asking. vocal chords. The violence of the sound, of the act, was nowhere near enough to satiate the vengeful spirits of the dead and the blood-hunger within. I like the primeval feel to this, but it's getting buried in all the talk about damaged vocal chords. This is the important part in my mind. It merely uncovered the simmering, seething anger and hate that had been meticulously buried years ago. LOVE THIS! It merely...gave me chills. This is where I start to feel the change coming. I don't think you need the next sentences at all. It smothered the motherly gentility and the doctoral concern. It brought center and purpose.

Sometime in the passing hour she screamed for a solid hour?, the time it took to injure vocal chords enough to hinder usage, overkill on the vocal chords again. Dr. Kallen Phoebe died…and from the ashes, Vesper Phoenix, harbinger of the end, was reborn. LOVE THIS!

Quick note: After my initial reading, I was confused about a few things so I asked the author some questions in order to put the scene in context--that's where the second set up paragraph came from. Before digging into someone's work ask questions to learn what it is you are looking at and what the author may need from you. 

Thank you so much for sharing your scene with us. Please remember that all my questions and thoughts are simply my opinion and are subject to the fact that this is only a small look into your WIP. Reading what came before may have changed my thoughts on some of these things. Please use what is useful to you and toss out the rest.

Alright, there is a lot of great imagery in this selection. I think, for me anyway, what isn't working is that I feel distanced from the MC. Psychologically she's probably in shock, but as readers we want to feel everything with the MC. If she feels nothing, we feel nothing. Kallen is experiencing a lot of pain, but she has distanced herself from it, and the reader too.

Simplify. I got bogged down in all the description--which was excellent, but there was just too much of it. Close your eyes and put yourself in Kallen's place. You are standing by the water, the ashes of your daughters have settled and floated away from you forever. Would you wait to walk through the house and climb the stairs to the roof to scream?

I think I would sink to my knees in the sand, dig my hands in as deep as I could in an effort to root myself and let it all out. Heaving sobs into the void left by their death. I would scream, tears streaming down my face as I remembered my sweet girls. You can still show us a memory here as easily as in the house. Perhaps the girls playing in the waves or building a sand castle?

When the voice and tears are all used up you hit your transition from Doctor to assassin again with the best parts of the last two paragraphs.

All in all I can see where you are going and it's going to be awesome! There is mystery here about how she escaped the world of being an assassin in the first place, conflict that she is now running back to it for revenge. I don't know the details of the bombing, but I can feel that after this moment in time Vesper Phoenix is going to be walking death for anyone that gets in her way. And I LOVE that!

You are really close here, just simplify all the descriptions and pick those that best show the reader what Kallen is feeling emotionally and physically. Let us smell the dying embers mixed with the ocean air, feel the breeze carrying parts of her daughters out to sea or to the shore, basically immerse us in the senses. I think adding a few of these will bring it all together for you.

Links to check out:
Bookshelf Muse Sadness/Grief
Bookshelf Muse Physical and Emotional Pain

How to Give a Good Critique--the Sandwich Method

The submissions window is now open. 

You can send up to 350 words of ANY scene that you know something isn't working, but you just can't figure out what. This can be from a finished or unfinished WIP. Submit to charity.bradford@gmail.com and include Fearful Critique in the subject line.

Please include:
Name (will be removed before posting)
Title
Genre/Word count

Brief intro or question you would like us to look at while reading.

Then your 350 word submission.

Mmmm, hungry?

Yummy subs and constructive criticism. Surprisingly, they have a lot in common. Soft bread, meat, cheese, and other complimentary elements bring together flavors that satisfy. This is what we all crave with critiques that we receive. The best way to get these kind of critiques is by learning how to give them.

The sandwich method of critiquing breaks down as follows:

• Soft bread--Say something nice--first overall impression (if it was positive), what you liked, etc.
• Meat--Constructive comments that are meant to help and improve, not tear down.
• Lettuce, Tomato, Condiment of choice--comments that point out the phrases and sentences that you just loved!
• Soft bread--Say something else nice and encouraging.

The key is the nice things have to be sincere. And there is always something nice you can find in any writing. Here's how I do it.

1. Read the whole selection to get a feel for the writing and the scene.

2. Make note of anything that jumps out at you
a. phrases you love
b. things that pull you out of the story

3. Read it a second time and look for the details
a. excessive use of adverbs, adjectives, etc
b. confusing passages
c. POV slips
d. verb confusion, passive voice
e. spots where telling can be replaced with showing
f. spots that hook you, cause you to ask questions, see the setting clearly, or feel emotion, etc.

4. Write the review using the sandwich method. Phrase things in a positive way so the author doesn't feel like you are attacking them personally or their story. It's hard enough to hear something isn't working without feeling picked on.

Dealing with the Fear

Let's talk about fear in conjunction with critiques. My guess is that since you're here, you know how important it is to get other people's eyes on your MS to catch typos, technical and grammatical mistakes, plot holes, character inconsistencies, etc.

In the beginning of my journey I felt it would be great to find a local critique group that I could meet with on a regular basis and talk about our books. There wasn't one to be found in my area. Not a free one anyway. I tried to start one. There's not enough time to tell you what a bust that was!

I knew other people swapped chapters by email, but the thought of sending an electronic copy of my MS to someone I only knew online terrified me.

What if they stole my idea and finished something better--faster than me--and sold it to an agent before I could? There were a few other fears, such as:

• what if they hate it?
• what if they love it?
• what if they tell me its utter trash?
• what if they laugh at me?
• what if they never write me back?
• what if I hate the chapters they send to me?

And many others. Fear convinced me that I couldn't find online critique partners. So I gave up.

Last October I participated in a free online conference hosted by a small publisher. (The Muse Writers Online Conference will be Oct 3-9 of this year.) They have classes on just about every aspect of the publishing world and you get the opportunity to pitch to small publishers.

Pitching was/is another huge fear with me, but I took advantage of the opportunity. It was a wonderful (and terrifying) experience. And I learned from it. I also received a partial and a full request. Let me share with you an email I received afterward.


The owners were very  nice and listed a few items I could work on. And then there was this.

For me, Charity, I suggest you expand your use of a critique partner or even a group. The more people (with critiquing experience) who get their eyes on your book, the more potential you will have for growth.

I believe this is true for all of us. Let's deal with our fears this week so we can start trying out critique partners.

For today, tell me what your greatest fear is about swapping chapters.

Tomorrow we will talk about HOW to give an honest but kind critique. I'll also open up my email box for submissions. You can send up to 350 words of ANY scene that you know something isn't working, but you just can't figure out what. This can be from a finished or unfinished WIP. Submit to charity.bradford@gmail.com and include Fearful Critique in the subject line.

Please include:
Name (will be removed before posting)
Title
Genre/Word count

Brief intro or question you would like us to look at while reading.

350 word submission.

Wednesday the submissions will go up on this site with my critique and be open for your critiques. Think of it as an audition for your future crit partners.

Thursday we will talk about how to deal with the critiques we've received. 

Friday I'll call for people who would like to try swapping first chapters and match you up.

Sound like a plan? Let's do this!

two for friday

Our third and fourth queries come from Tara and Misty. My comments are in purple. 

Here is Tara's Query for her scifi thriller:

[Intro, how I know/heard of you (the agent), etc.] 

In 2080 pop travel, laser teleportation, has revolutionized transportation. I absolutely love the idea of traveling in a different way – especially if it’s faster, but if this is scifi I wonder if laser travel is remotely possible? Just asking…scifi geeks can be a picky lot.

Private investigator J. L. Cooper would rather fly. I wonder if there could be a tiny bit more about Cooper here, something to make us like him, root for him. Why would he rather fly? Is that important to the story? Does he have any character traits we might find endearing?

Cooper's latest client is a desperate character who claims pop travel made his boss disappear. During his investigation, Cooper comes across a slew of similar missing person cases with excessive pop travel as the glaring connection. Cooper must brave his aversion to people and pop travel to investigate the bustling Atlanta Transport Center, a pop travel hub. There he discovers a body and evidence of a deadly pop travel flaw. After his client has a fatal accident and his secretary is kidnapped, Cooper decides he must go directly to the source, the Creator of pop travel, to get resolution. I might name the Creator – especially if the Creator is Cooper’s nemesis. 

Mr. Cooper’s activities draw the attention of the FBI causing them to hone in on him. They send attractive, charming Agent Geri Harper to get close to Mr. Cooper and retrieve the evidence. He makes lame attempts to dissuade her, but she sticks with him. I might reword this like this: “Meanwhile, the FBI gets wind of Cooper’s activities and send Agent Geri Harper to get close to him and retrieve the evidence.” I’d also consider naming the evidence. What is it evidence of? And why is the FBI so eager to get their hands on it?

I would want a transitional phrase inserted here, something that shows/tells how/why Cooper and Geri join forces. Together Cooper and Geri confront the Creator who surprises them with plans of his own. And I wonder if this last line might have more punch if it was by itself, like this; “But the Creator has a plan of his own.” 

Pop Travel is complete at 70,000 words.

Thank you for your time.

Tara Tyler

Lastly, I have to say that this sounds like a really fun and futuristic tale. Now, I hope the rest of you will comment and help Tara out with her query. But remember…be kind and be helpful.

Next is Misty's query for her YA High Fantasy:Last but not least I want to reiterate that my purple comments/suggestions are just a single person's opinion. Ultimately it's up the author to decide what works and what doesn't. But the more comments Misty gets from you the better her query will be so please, do add your two cents. Just remember to be helpful, and kind :)

Seventeen-year-old Sloan Reynolds got a new destiny for her birthday that doesn’t include dating or finishing her senior year—an entire realm is awaiting her return, including a king who would prefer she didn’t survive the trip home. ORACLE is a 77,000-word young adult high fantasy. I would probably put the word count at the end of the query.
Sloan has her first vision and passes it off as a simple bout of déjà vu. But when a group of bounty hunting warlocks appear at the steakhouse where she works, Sloan is tossed into a world she never knew existed. Literally. After reading through the first two paragraphs a few times I want to combine them, maybe like this: When seventeen year old Sloan Reynolds has a vision of _____, she passes it off as déjà vu. But when a group of bounty hunting warlocks appear at the steakhouse where she works, Sloan is tossed into a world she never knew existed and before she knows it she's got a whole new destiny, and this one doesn't include dating or finishing her senior year. Instead, she finds an entire realm awaiting her return, including a king who would prefer she didn’t survive the trip home. 
Dragged through a portal by the guy she’s been crushing on, Sloan finds herself in a realm where people use magic instead of electricity, and dragons instead of cars. Sloan learns she’s the last living member of an ancient oracle bloodline, her crush is really an exiled prince, and her best friend has known all along that their (who? Sloan and...?) entire past is a well orchestrated lie. Now she must come to terms with living in a strange new land, dealing with unharnessed powers, and knowing a king wants her dead for a vision that killed her entire family and would unseat him from his throne. This last bit is a little confusing. When did her family get killed? Before the story starts? I'd make this clear.
As Sloan comes to terms with her new destiny, she discovers that she’s not just the target for one king, but two. A fallen kingdom on the other side of the realm seeks revenge, (for what?) and its dark king thinks Sloan is the key, or rather, their future child. Now this dark king is the one Sloan must fight to escape and risks falling into the waiting arms of their (again, be clear who they are) common enemy to do it. So she has two enemies? But who are her allies?

I think this sounds like a very interesting tale but a few things could make it even more enticing to an agent. If Sloan is an orphan I'd say so - orphans are always interesting - and I'd also make more mention of her visions as it sounds like these may be important - unharnessed powers perhaps? I'd also like to know if she's in this alone, or if the exiled prince/crush and her best friend are going to help her out.



And if you want more of your queries critiqued, send them along to: marcy@tidewater.net with 'unicorn bell query' in the subject line and we can play this game again next month - unless you'd rather do something else? 

query #2

Here is Huntress' query - her FIRST query she wants you to know - for her fantasy, Rapier:


Dear Ms.

As a first time author, I am submitting a fantasy novel for your examination. I probably wouldn’t mention being a first time author. The fact that I’m not listing any publishing credits will clue the agent in on that fact and there’s no need to highlight the fact.

As a life-long enthusiast of fantasy, I am delighted the current market seems very hungry for books about the supernatural and paranormal. I’d  probably kill this, too; it’s unnecessary.

In your posting, you expressed interest in a strong heroine. I’d be more specific about the posting but I’d definitely include this as agents like to know you’re paying attention to what they want. I believe this woman is prepared to square her jaw and take on the world. I'd cut this but maybe insert it somewhere else in the query. In fact, I might start out my query with this first sentence and then move on to ‘Dragons have walked…’

My synopsis follows: This is a query letter, not a synopsis so I’d lose this.

           

Dragons have walked in the midst of human kind for thousands of years, their stolen human bodies blending in with the populace. I like this idea of dragons stealing human bodies; it’s intriguing and it begs the question: can they revert to dragon form? They have always been opposed by the Masters, men who have bonded in symbiotic partnership with a supernatural,  living? sword, the Rapier. Not sure if this added word works or not since I don’t know the whole story…

But Only this time, the new Master is not what the Dragon was expecting. This time, the Rapier has bonded with a woman.

When Lee hears the voice in her head telling her she is now the Master of a black and gold Rapier, she wonders why she should listen, especially when the tall black-eyed handsome stranger suddenly appears at her door. I’m not sure if I like this paragraph. I do like the first sentence but …hmm, maybe this instead: “When Lee hears the voice in her head telling her she’s now the Master of the Rapier, she ignores it – until a stranger suddenly appears at her door wanting to kill her.”

And the Rapier must adjust to the growing interest Lee has for the Dragon that has come to kill her. I’d cut this because I think ending on a more interesting note as above might pique an agent’s curiosity more. Instead, I’d probably try to wrap it up: Now Lee is going to have to figure out who to trust, a dragon or a sword. ‘Course, I don’t really like that either but obviously the story is about Lee trying to live with this new gift and finding her place in a world she might not be familiar with. Here’s where I might mention her strengths.

This is the first of an intended four novels. It is approximately 91,500 words with the title of, “Rapier”. I am currently writing the second novel and editing the outlines of the third and fourth novels. Thank you very much for your time and the opportunity of submitting a fantasy manuscript. The last thing I'll say is that I've heard it's difficult to get a fantasy series published unless it is very very good - think Rothfuss and Martin. I might consider trying to make book one stand alone with the possibility of more.

Cordially,


So now it's your turn. What do you think of this query? How could it be better? And if yopu would like your query critiqued, send it with 'unicorn bell query' in the subject line to : marcy@tidewater.net. I'd also like to know whether you're finding this helpful or whether you'd like something else critiqued. First page, perhaps? A scene you're having trouble with? Inquiring minds want to know. Really! And don't forget, the above purple comments are one person's opinion. Ultimately the author has to make the final decision about what works best.

query anyone?

For my first week I thought we'd start with the all important query letter, that simple little letter that can either convince an agent to take a chance -or not. Charity has been kind enough to offer her query letter for her science fiction/fantasy novel, Sendek. My comments/suggestions are in purple and I hope you'll comment, too, but please remember to be kind and helpful. Thanks!

Dear _____,

Beneath a trio of moons, Talia Shannon dreams of scaled demons attacking, hunting, and burning her world. The prophetic dream leaves her body wasted, but the twin suns rise every day to heal her. Does Talia have the same dream? Is she actually injured in these dreams and carries these injuries over to her waking life? Do the suns actually heal her so there’s no proof? If so I might change this first paragraph to something like this: On the planet Sendek, Talia Shannon dreams of scaled demons attacking, hunting, and burning her world. These prophetic dreams leave her wounded and wasted, but each morning the twin suns rise to heal her and erase any evidence of her injuries. This makes it clear that these are more than dreams - or nightmares.

The planet Sendek no longer believes in magic but Talia knows people would kill to harness her abilities. (If the people don’t believe in magic then wouldn’t they simply think her crazy? Especially if there’s no evidence to back her up. I might cut the second sentence too and lead off with the third instead.) Determined to find a way to survive the future invasion without revealing her source of information, she searches for scientific proof of extraterrestrial life. Things are going well, (This is weak and ‘things’ is vague. I’d try to be more specific here, maybe share something Talia has discovered.) until a handsome Commander distracts her. Emotions run high (cliché) and he’s dangerously close to exposing her magical nature. How? Do intense emotions have an effect on her? I realize you can’t tell everything in the query but I might mention how he comes close to exposing her magical nature or what happens to precipitate the exposing.

Near one of the moons, the scaled demons from her nightmares prepare to attack. The Draguman, a human dragon hybrid created in Sendek’s past, have returned from exile. Smarter and stronger than ever, they plan to wipe out the humans their creators on Sendek and claim Sendek it for their own. (like the Cylons…?)

As a direct descendant of the mage who created the Draguman, Talia is the key to their destruction—if she can trust the magic coursing through her veins.

When science fails to protect her way of life, magic becomes the only hope. I like this.

SENDEK is a complete science fantasy novel of approximately 87,000 words. The complete manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks!

Charity

A last note, although I made some comments and suggestions that I think (and note I say think, not know - because ulitmately it's up to the author to decide what works and what doesn't) might improve this query I definitely found the premise interesting. If I found the first page engaging and well written I would probably buy this book because I love scifi and fantasy and this gives me both : )

Wednesday I'll be critting Huntress' query and for Friday, I'm hoping one of you will offer your query up. If so, email your query to: marcy@tidewater.net with 'unicorn bell query' in the subject line. Please provide the title of the manuscript, the genre, and - unless you wish to remain anonymous - your name and a link to your blog/website.

Critique Groups and Margaritas

Before I sort through my medicine/liquor cabinet for a cold remedy (at this point, I’m going with whatever my bleary eyes see first), I need suggestions and comments.

What would improve this Critique Group?

What would you like to see critiqued next? Query? Loglines? First Pages?

Get to know the members, see if one or two are the Beta Buddies you’ve always hoped to find. Like the advertisement, they are priceless.

Last question.

 Tea or margarita? I may have both.

Meetin' & Greetin'

Was the crit session what you expected?

Were the crits helpful?

Critiques are opinions, not cold hard math. Never accept criticism as written in stone because so much of it is personal preferences.

They are tools. Use the ones that serve your purpose. It is your MS and only you know the path to follow.

However, if several critiques say the same thing, it is good to listen. Judge them, use them, and discard the crits that clash with your style.

Now, let’s talk about loglines and have a game of tag.

Loglines, summaries, hooks, pitches; all mean about the same thing. It is one or two sentences, approximately 25 - 30 words. It boils the premise of the book down to its bones.

Leave a comment on this post, link to your blog and post your loglines on your blog site. Members of the crit group can trail along to the sites and we will continue this ‘getting to know you’ session.

Sound like a plan?

Here is my logline for Of Oak and Dragons:

An unexpected inheritance, a snarky rapier with delusions of grandeur, and a tall stranger wreck Leah Sterling’s college schedule and throws her into the middle of an ancient war.

TAG! You're IT!

#4 Untitled WIP

Title: Untitled WIP
Genre: YA fantasy?

Brief summary--Carter is from a race that humans call faeries, but that's only because humans have no understanding of what they really are. And that's the way they prefer things. The female MC (might be Ryan, still undecided) doesn't believe in faerie tales, but she could be the one to free humans and fey from the curse binding them to the earth. This scene happens after Carter looks at all of Ryan's books and remarks on the absence of any fiction.

"You don't believe in love at first sight?" Carter drew circles on my palm.

A shiver ran through me. "No. You can be physically attracted to someone right away, but it isn't love."

He pulled me close. "Ma cherie, what if I told you I believe in soul mates?"

(missing chunk for word count.)

He almost made me hope, but I knew better. My parents were reality. "There's too much ugliness. I want to believe, but life hasn’t made it easy."

"I know," He kissed my forehead. "but for everything bad, dark, or destructive, there is goodness, light and creativity. You deny yourself so much by shutting out the possibilities."

"But I save myself a lot of trouble by keeping my expectations low." I murmured and ducked my head so that my hair fell to hide my face.

"And yet you suffer." Carter tucked my hair behind my ear. "Here's to raising your expectations."

When his lips pressed into mine I heard the rush of air over dragonfly wings, felt a butterfly breathe in time with its wings, and soared above the earth on eagle's wings. Hundreds of lifetimes passing in seconds, all of them beating their wings with great power and beauty.

I pulled away as the dizzying parade of life spun out of control.

#3 The Lucky Few

Title: THE LUCKY FEW
Genre: Young Adult

Set-up: The heroine (Blakely) and the hero (Reid) - whom of course, she barely tolerates - just escaped a kidnapping attempt on Blake, via a high speed motorcycle chase through the city.


I slid off the bike, wobbling slightly, as he shot a hand out to steady me. Tugging the helmet from my head, it was all I could do to stop from spinning in a circle. “Holy cow, what a rush!”

I rocked back and forth on my feet and instantly dove straight into the excitement of what had just happened, not pausing to take a breath, as I motored along at rapid speeds.

Suddenly, without warning, Reid’s lips were on mine – and in absolute shock, I went from ninety to zero, in two seconds flat.

One hand shot up into my hair, while the other snaked its way to the small of my back - yanking me forward towards the solid mass of his body, my toes no longer touching the ground.

“Thank God, you finally shut up,” he growled against my lips with a devious smile.

Before I could say anything in return, he released his grip, turned and strode towards the house – leaving me swaying with my eyes closed and lips parted.

“You gonna stand there with that silly look on your face, or would you like to come in?” he tossed over his shoulder, not stopping to wait for an answer.

I stalked after him – furious at how he’d managed to ruin a perfectly good kiss, by being such an ass. I glared up at him as I stomped past, and he had the audacity to look…amused.

#2 The Lullaby

THE LULLABY - YA fantasy
The two characters, Cassie and Richard, are sitting on the roof of a club. They have been discussing the story behind her necklace. She tells him it represents the phrase, 'To get to the rainbow, you must first go through the rain.'

She drew Richard’s hand closer, playing with his fingers. When she realized what she was doing, she quickly released them. He wished she hadn’t. “I don’t know why I told you all that. It’s not your problem.”
     “I don’t mind. What’s one more?”
     Quiet.
     “Cassie.”
     “Hm?”
     “I need you to look at me.”
     She turned her head without thinking. He was close, so close she could feel his light breath on her face. She couldn’t pull away. His eyes reeled her in, promising summer, spring, warmth.
     “You are my rainbow.”
     His lips pressed down softly on hers.

#1 They Walk

They Walk: a young adult paranormal romantic thriller.

The narrator Maggie was in the middle of an uncomfortable moment between her brothers best friend Gabriel, when she sees her boyfriend Matt come into the room. Feeling confused but grateful for the escape, she ignores Gabriel and goes to Matt.

Excerpt:

Matt, seeing me walking towards him, smiles and his face lights up with delight. My heart flutters at the sight of it, and I can’t help but smile myself.

With a spring in my step, I lean up to him and place my lips on his. Even with the light pressure of it, I still close my eyes and sigh into him. He raises his arms, and he places them at my lower back and gently pulls me closer to him.

The pressure of his lips starts to deepen, but I place my hands on his arms and lean back with a smile. Raising my eyes I try to savior everything about him. Being taller than me, I fit perfectly in his arms and I feel safe and warm. His blue eyes are bright with intensity, and his blonde hair falls nicely around his head.

I raise my hands automatically and run them through his soft waves. He smiles at me, and pulls me in for a hug. I cling to him, and wonder not for the first time how I got such a wonderful guy. He’s far too beautiful for someone as plain as me.

Critique Session - First Kiss

First Kiss

Give your name (this will be deleted). Title, and Genre.

Write a short lead-in to the scene.

Submit a 200-word scene.

It can be a finished MS or WIP, agented or unagented.

No graphic smooching, please.

Email submissions to cdcoff(at)gmail(dot)com.

Submissions start Tuesday, May 24 at 5 am, CST and end 5 pm, CST. 

Guidelines for Crit Group

Team Members, Charity, Marcy, and I will act as Moderators, each of us taking one week a month. At that time, we will display our personal preference/skills in critiquing, book reviews, or general information to our followers.

As Moderator, I will conduct a submission critique, open to any who follow this blog.

My rules:

1)     Must be a follower of the blog to submit and critique other’s work.

2)     Civility is paramount. Be polite. Be overly polite even.

3)     On Monday, I will announce the critique session's theme.

         Tuesday, I will open the forum and post submissions on the blog for critiquing. 

4)     Submissions should include Title, Genre, and Name. Note; the names WILL BE      DELETED before I post.

5)     Critique the submissions in the comment section.

6)     If you wish to revise and post edited submission, do so in the comments section. But remember, you will lose your anonymity at that point.

7)     Be prepared to back up your crits, btw. Research is the key.

Email submissions to cdcoff(at)gmail(dot)com.

After deleting your name, I will post the submission for critiquing by our members.

If you submit for critiquing, please be prepared to crit others. This is only fair.

If a Team Member schedules critique sessions for that week, the announcement will be on Monday.

Similarities between our format and the incomparable Authoress of Miss Snark’s First Victim fame, is because I totally swiped them just a coincidence.

This week’s excerpt:

FIRST KISS

Give your name (this will be deleted). Title, and Genre.

Write a short lead-in to the scene.

Submit a 200-word scene.

It can be a finished MS or WIP, agented or unagented.

No graphic smooching, please.

Submissions start Tuesday, May 24 at 5 am, CST and end 5 pm, CST.  

Email submissions to cdcoff(at)gmail(dot)com.

Critique Group for True Believers

This is the beginning of a small but thorough critique group, meant for the serious writer. If you aren’t serious, this isn’t the place for you.

Several Unbreakable Vows.

*Knowledge. Be prepared to back up your crits. Never stop learning.

*Courtesy. I am a big believer of In My Humble Opinion. No nasties allowed.

*Manageable. Small but thorough is the key to this Critique Group.

Read the following questions that I totally stole from Critique Sisters Corner.