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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

#2 The Lullaby

THE LULLABY - YA fantasy
The two characters, Cassie and Richard, are sitting on the roof of a club. They have been discussing the story behind her necklace. She tells him it represents the phrase, 'To get to the rainbow, you must first go through the rain.'

She drew Richard’s hand closer, playing with his fingers. When she realized what she was doing, she quickly released them. He wished she hadn’t. “I don’t know why I told you all that. It’s not your problem.”
     “I don’t mind. What’s one more?”
     “I need you to look at me.”
     She turned her head without thinking. He was close, so close she could feel his light breath on her face. She couldn’t pull away. His eyes reeled her in, promising summer, spring, warmth.
     “You are my rainbow.”
     His lips pressed down softly on hers.


Huntress said...

Ho chi Momma. Okay, I can see starting with First Kiss is gonna cause a lot of distractions, at least for me. I can’t type, keep making spelling errors. (wonder why)


Great dialogue. To crit, I really had to search for something. Maybe if you can find a way to cut a few of the pronoun (she) in the second sentence?

Great sexual tension. I would definitely read more.
Good job. I'd say you nailed it.

Amy said...

Maybe instead of 'She couldn't pull away' use 'turn or 'look'. There wasn't mention that they were touching yet, so it's slightly confusing.

Otherwise, great piece. I rather enjoyed it and am wanting to know what happened next! :)

mshatch said...

I liked this, didn't find anything to complain over.

Kayeleen Hamblin said...

The only question I have is who is the POV character. If it's her, she wouldn't know "He wished she hadn't" in the 2nd paragraph. If it's him, he wouldn't know that she could feel his breath and "couldn't pull away."

POV is something I struggle with, so I notice it a lot.

Erin L. Schneider said...

I have to agree with Kayeleen's comment regarding POV.

My assumption is this is written from Cassie's POV - but I'm thrown in the first paragraph by "He wished she hadn't."

I did have to read through a couple of times to understand who was saying what, but in the end, I had a solid visual of the scene in front of me.

Otherwise, I'd read on to see where the kiss went!

L. said...

Because of the "He wished she hadn't" I had to guess that he said the bit of dialogue that followed. On second read, I think she said it? Maybe it's more obvious with more context, but it's a point of confusion here.

Charity Bradford said...

This was great! I loved the way Richard said "I need you to look at me." That was such a great way to get positioned for a kiss.

I didn't have any problem following who was speaking, but I did wonder what "What's one more?" referred to. I know it another problem, but it made me pause.

I also agree with the "couldn't pull away" comment above as well as the POV. I head hop all the time because I want the reader to get everyone's emotions during the experience.

Anyway, "You are my rainbow" was so sweet as well. Great job.