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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

#4 Untitled WIP

Title: Untitled WIP
Genre: YA fantasy?

Brief summary--Carter is from a race that humans call faeries, but that's only because humans have no understanding of what they really are. And that's the way they prefer things. The female MC (might be Ryan, still undecided) doesn't believe in faerie tales, but she could be the one to free humans and fey from the curse binding them to the earth. This scene happens after Carter looks at all of Ryan's books and remarks on the absence of any fiction.

"You don't believe in love at first sight?" Carter drew circles on my palm.

A shiver ran through me. "No. You can be physically attracted to someone right away, but it isn't love."

He pulled me close. "Ma cherie, what if I told you I believe in soul mates?"

(missing chunk for word count.)

He almost made me hope, but I knew better. My parents were reality. "There's too much ugliness. I want to believe, but life hasn’t made it easy."

"I know," He kissed my forehead. "but for everything bad, dark, or destructive, there is goodness, light and creativity. You deny yourself so much by shutting out the possibilities."

"But I save myself a lot of trouble by keeping my expectations low." I murmured and ducked my head so that my hair fell to hide my face.

"And yet you suffer." Carter tucked my hair behind my ear. "Here's to raising your expectations."

When his lips pressed into mine I heard the rush of air over dragonfly wings, felt a butterfly breathe in time with its wings, and soared above the earth on eagle's wings. Hundreds of lifetimes passing in seconds, all of them beating their wings with great power and beauty.

I pulled away as the dizzying parade of life spun out of control.


Brooke R. Busse said...

Your MC is both logical and fearful, neither bad, but with disadvantages, as Carter is trying to show her. This small piece shows her layers, as well as a few of Carter's. This is a good character development piece.

Your second to last paragraph, while a magnificent image (or sound), requires a little touch up. Your words feel slightly forced and patched, frayed.

Amy said...

I really liked your piece! As the reader you can already feel for them, right from the start. :)

Huntress said...


Good rhythm especially ‘bad, dark, destructive’ ‘goodness, light and creativity’.

Dialogue is realistic. Fantastic descriptions of sensations. Instead of telling me how she felt, you showed me.

I don’t see any grammar issues but there is a punctuation problem in this sentence: “I know.” He kissed my forehead. “But for…”

Overall, very good. I liked it and would read more.

Kayeleen Hamblin said...

I liked the way your dialogue runs. It's very believable. I especially liked "Here's to raising your expectations."

My only problem is that you use the word wings so many times in the 2nd to last paragraph. It might be okay if wings are a really important part of the story, but it seems over-the-top to me as it is.

Erin L. Schneider said...

I like the twist that it's the boy trying to convince the girl, about love.

In such a short submit, you did a good job defining both characters - and I enjoyed that for every one of her actions, he did the opposite (his positive to her attempt at negative).

Particularly liked her sentence of keeping her expectations low, and how he then responded.

The 2nd to last paragraph was where I struggled. There are quite a few mentions of wings, which sound like they may play a bigger role throughout your story, but are just a tad too many for two sentences.

Otherwise, good job!

Charity Bradford said...

Thank you everyone!

This is a first draft and I stared at that paragraph with all the wings a long time before sending it in. Wing DO play a huge part in the story, but even I cringed at three of them in one sentence.

Any suggestions? I plan to pull this story out and start reworking it this summer. It's my pool side novel. :)