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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

#3 The Lucky Few

Genre: Young Adult

Set-up: The heroine (Blakely) and the hero (Reid) - whom of course, she barely tolerates - just escaped a kidnapping attempt on Blake, via a high speed motorcycle chase through the city.

I slid off the bike, wobbling slightly, as he shot a hand out to steady me. Tugging the helmet from my head, it was all I could do to stop from spinning in a circle. “Holy cow, what a rush!”

I rocked back and forth on my feet and instantly dove straight into the excitement of what had just happened, not pausing to take a breath, as I motored along at rapid speeds.

Suddenly, without warning, Reid’s lips were on mine – and in absolute shock, I went from ninety to zero, in two seconds flat.

One hand shot up into my hair, while the other snaked its way to the small of my back - yanking me forward towards the solid mass of his body, my toes no longer touching the ground.

“Thank God, you finally shut up,” he growled against my lips with a devious smile.

Before I could say anything in return, he released his grip, turned and strode towards the house – leaving me swaying with my eyes closed and lips parted.

“You gonna stand there with that silly look on your face, or would you like to come in?” he tossed over his shoulder, not stopping to wait for an answer.

I stalked after him – furious at how he’d managed to ruin a perfectly good kiss, by being such an ass. I glared up at him as I stomped past, and he had the audacity to look…amused.


Brooke R. Busse said...

It took me a few reads to figure out what you meant in the second paragraph. Maybe if you split it into more than one sentence, or chopped off a few words or a phrase, it would read more clearly.

I must say, I like your hero already, and I'm sure with more I would fall in love with him and Blakely

(I don't think the ellipsis in the last sentence is necessary.)

Amy said...

Great piece! Your writing style compelled me to want to read more. As well as, feeling what the characters felt at the moment. :)

Huntress said...

Excellent voice for protag and secondary. That comes through even though this is a short excerpt.

IMHO, if you made some of the sentences shorter, more dramatic, it would strengthen them. The second sentence, note the verbs. For me, if I have to visualize every verb, every action, my mind won’t follow as close as it should.

Example: I rocked, and without pausing to take a breath, dove into the excitement of what had just happened.

Also, ‘suddenly’ and ‘without warning’ seem like echoes to me, saying the same thing twice.

Great dialogue, BTW. Love the last sentence. Good image. Since Blakely ‘stalked after him’, maybe you can cut ‘furious at how’. Example: I stalked after him. He’d ruined a perfectly good kiss by being such an ass.

mshatch said...

wow, I loved this. The only thing I'd change or loose is the dialogue tags.

Kayeleen Hamblin said...

The voice is great. There are some really strong images here. I'm not a big fan of the dialogue tags, but other than that, no complaints.

L. said...

I'm confused about how she gets off the bike, takes off her helmet and then "as I motored along at rapid speeds" and then he kisses her?

Though I do like the kiss itself. :)

Charity Bradford said...

This was wonderful. Everyone has already mentioned the great voice. The scene flows effortlessly too.

L. touched on my only nitpick. When I read "as I motored along at rapid speeds" I thought she was back on the bike speeding down the street.

Other than that, I love the dynamic you have going between these two characters.

Erin L. Schneider said...

Thanks for all the wonderful comments, everyone! It was fun to submit this scene!

I omitted a few sentences here and there, in order to hit the word count - maybe should've picked a better spot to cut it off, and include those sentences! :)

And something that might help with the second paragraph? What readers aren't seeing in this snippet, is Blakely's incessant ability to be a chatter box - hence the "motored along at rapid speeds" which she tends to do a lot (and I was trying to tie it to the high speed motorcycle chase that happened just before!). I will re-look this, plus the words you didn't see in-between, to make sure it works!

Thanks again for taking the time to read my submission and even more, to make comments - can't wait to do this again!