Orbital Shifts

Here's our first submission for the week, the first page of the second chapter of Orbital Shifts, a science fiction novel. My comments and suggestions are in purple. Please add your own but don't forget to be kind and helpful.

"Tanner hesitated at the Afterburner’s door. Traffic skimmed around him on the promenade, voices rumbling low in the background. The broad, long cylinder, cut from Ananke’s dark stone, was meant to be a docking facilities for guests’ ships. The square airlocks, one per set of docking clamps, ran in two parallel lines where the cylinder arched closest to the little moon’s surface. The rest had been sectioned up into vendors’ stalls. Branch tunnels emptied into the promenade from all directions. And Port Authority’s offices had been carved into one end. I like this first paragraph; it paints a great picture. But I think the repeated words should be replaced with others that can aptly describe the scene. No easy task, I know; I just looked up promenade and couldn't find another word that would do.

Afterburner was cut into the stone, too, a wide bar room with one line of unglazed windows doubling as doors. Julia, Early and Dominic were already on perches at the bar, (were already perched, maybe?) watching a cage fighting match. Maggie and her political discussion had the large table at the far end, (I don't think you need the comma) under a projection screen that had been set to some quiet background music. Clay was on security duty this time, (you may actually want this since in the last chapter someone else may have been on security in the the previous chaper) hovering against the wall and watching. The planet-grown chuck (chuck? I'm not sure what this means but maybe this was explained in the first chapter or we'll find out shortly) had more muscle on his bicep than a bootstrapper had on a thigh, (like that description) but still didn’t intimidate the way Shen did.

Tanner looked to the back of Julia’s head. She cheered the fighter who’d pinned his opponent. Barkeep, taking drink bottles from the dishwasher under the bar, spotted Tanner and his mouth twitched. Anxious. Putting a hand in his pocket and squeezing, Tanner skimmed into the Afterburner. Made a beeline for Maggie’s table and the empty quadrant of the round table. Stopped the conversation. Even the little camera bot looked when everyone else did. Tanner crossed his legs and tucked them between the tabletop and the stone floor. He put both clenched hands on the table and risked a glance at Maggie, then the camera." 

There are a lot of fragments in this last paragraph, which is ok, I actually kind of like it, but be careful of playing loosely with the rules of grammar - just sayin.' The only other thing that jarred me was this sentence:Tanner crossed his legs and tucked them between the tabletop and the stone floor. It just reads a little awkwardly to me, as if he's crossing his legs before he sits down. Other than that and my other comments, I like the atmosphere created here in this first page and I think those short fragmented sentences may fit Tanner. I'm also curious as to why he's angry and why even the spy bot watches him. Plus, I love scifi. All in all, an intriguing first page of the second chapter.

Now, what do you think?