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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Query Workshop 7--Bound

Title: Bound
Genre: Young Adult Fiction


Dear [Agent]:

Ghosts don’t exist. At least, that’s what seventeen-year-old Emma Harris thought before one hurled her and classmate Daniel Wyatt back in time. Now in 19th century America, the ghost is a living, breathing, flirting girl named Lucinda Sutton. The same Lucinda Sutton who disappeared on her wedding night, according to town legend.

Of all the people to be stuck with in the past, Daniel Wyatt was not high on Emma’s list. His dodgy reputation and temper are enough to keep her away, but stranded in a foreign world of petticoats and pantalettes, he’s the only anchor to her time, a place she’d do anything to return to.

After exploring Lucinda’s life, Emma and Daniel believe their only way home is to help Lucinda marry, but Lucinda’s fiancé is more than gentility and smiles. He may have been very person who made her “disappear.”

Unless Emma can overcome Lucinda's treacherous suitor while coping with her growing feelings for Daniel, she may be stuck in the past forever.

Complete at 69,000 words, BOUND is a young-adult novel with a ghostly historical twist.

Sincerely,
[Insert Name]

6 comments:

Charity Bradford said...

I think this is almost perfect. There's enough here that makes me want to read it. A few tweaks:

Paragraph 1: How do they know Lucinda disappeared on her wedding night? Did the ghost tell them before she sent them back?

Paragraph 2: I think it's perfect. We get character, tension between the two, and setting.

Paragraph 3: How are they exploring Lucinda's life? That sounds weird. Are they floating through memories or are they solid and capable of being hurt by those in the time period? And there's a word missing in the last sentence "have been the very"

Paragraph 4 brings up more questions. Are Emma and Daniel working together or not? Is Emma in Lucinda's body? Don't know why I thought that, but it crossed my mind. :)

Huntress said...

I might be picky but the last line needs something more. It feels like you got tired and slapped the last line in there.

It needs PUNCHED! It needs LIFE! Give me a better consequence. Up until that last paragraph, I was inching closer to the monitor screen.

Also, there is a small edit needed in the third paragraph. No biggie.

Connie said...

I agree with the above on how I think this is pretty close to perfect. I think you could enhance the last paragraph as well, although I think publishers would still like it as is. Great Job!

Ink in the Book said...

Sounds like a great story. I'd say with an edit or two, you will have it perfect. Very well done:)

Emily said...

This sounds great. I want to read it!
I agree with Huntress's comments about the final paragraph. I almost didn't realize it was part of the synopsis. The paragraph before has a great punch, and that one seems a bit lackluster in comparison. I would tweak it a bit.
Best of luck!

mshatch said...

My comments/suggestions are in parentheses:

Ghosts don’t exist. At least, that’s what seventeen-year-old Emma Harris thought before one hurled her and classmate Daniel Wyatt back in time. Now in 19th century America, the ghost is a living, breathing, flirting girl named Lucinda Sutton. The same Lucinda Sutton who disappeared on her wedding night, according to town legend. (Love this opening)

Of all the people to be stuck with in the past, Daniel Wyatt was not high on Emma’s list. His dodgy reputation and temper are enough to keep her away, but stranded in a foreign world of petticoats and pantalettes, he’s the only anchor to her time, a place she’d do anything to return to. (This second sentence is a fragment and too long. How about this: ‘His dodgy reputation and temper were enough to keep her away, but here in this world of petticoats and pantalettes, he’s the only anchor to her time, a place she’d do anything to return to.)

After exploring Lucinda’s life, Emma and Daniel believe their only way home is to help Lucinda marry, but Lucinda’s fiancé is more than gentility and smiles. He may have been very person who made her “disappear.” (ooh, love this!)

Unless Emma can overcome Lucinda's treacherous suitor while coping with her growing feelings for Daniel, she may be stuck in the past forever. (I’d rather this last paragraph be about Emma and Daniel learning to work together to solve the mystery and get home – I think an agent will figure out that boy/girl sent back in time together = romance. I did.)

This sounds like a really fun book – exactly the sort I would’ve loved in middle school – which in my day didn’t exist!