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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Query Workshop 23-On Common Ground

Title: On Common Ground
Genre: Speculative Fiction/ Urban Fantasy



Officer Grace Rayne doesn’t know that her guardian angel Gabe exists. Nor does she know that he has fallen in love with her, until it is her time to die in the line of duty at the hands of vengeful gang members. Gabe breaks the rules of heaven and puts his own life, as well as his job, in peril by saving her. Hunted by his best friend who vows to steal his powers, it is now Grace who guards her falling angel.

Her house grows even more full when she harbors a good-hearted, half-breed demon named Luke whose incubus father is determined to either turn him evil or kill him. The gang, developing mysterious ties with certain supernatural individuals, is out for a second chance at Grace. The brooding angel must team up with his natural enemy, the jovial half-demon, to protect the mortal police officer they both care about.

ON COMMON GROUND is a 62,000 word novel of Urban Fantasy / Speculative Fiction. This is written as a stand alone, but sets up a good opportunity for sequels in the same world, with the same main characters.

Sincerely,

4 comments:

Huntress said...

My first thought is, who is the main character? You’ve introduced me to several entities. Grace, Gabe, Luke, an incubus father, the gang, other supernatural individuals, and a best friend. I need a central person to latch onto.

Below is what I believe is important with my comments:

Officer Grace Rayne doesn’t know that her guardian angel Gabe exists. Nor does she know that he has fallen in love with her, until it is her time to die and Gabe breaks the rules of heaven and puts his own life in peril by saving her.

Hunted by his best friend who vows to steal his powers, it is now Grace who guards her falling angel. *this sentence has two serious grammatical errors. Read it aloud and see if you can find them.-Huntress*

Her house grows even more full when she harbors a good-hearted, half-breed demon named Luke whose incubus father is determined to either turn him evil or kill him. *What??! Where did this storyline come from?-Huntress*

The gang, developing mysterious ties with certain supernatural individuals, *try re-phrasing this. Suggestion: The gang, supported by…who?-Huntress* is out for a second chance at Grace.

The brooding *when did he start brooding-Huntress* angel must team up with his natural enemy, the jovial half-demon, to protect the mortal police officer they both care about.

mshatch said...

Revised 1st para.: Officer Grace Rayne doesn’t know that her guardian angel Gabe exists. Nor does she know that he has fallen in love with her, until it is her time to die in the line of duty. When Gabe breaks the rules of Heaven he puts his own own life at risk and now it is Grace who must guard her fallen angel.

After that, I echo Huntress' thoughts. Who is the main character? You might very well have a a triangle here but someone is the dominant voice and I'd focus there.

Sounds interesting!

Charity Bradford said...

Here's another suggestion by paragraph:

Officer Grace Rayne doesn’t know she had a guardian angel, or that he has fallen in love with her. When it's her time to die at the hands of vengeful gang members, her angel breaks the rules of heaven and puts his own life, as well as his job, in peril by saving her. *Now what happened? Is Gabe now mortal or just weak. Be specific about why a mortal woman now has to protect him. Also, see how I've made Grace your main character by rewording? You can do this throughout the query.*

Grace *say how she meets the demon* and harbors the half-breed demon from his incubus father who wants to turn him or kill him. The gang, developing ties with certain supernatural individuals, is out for a second chance at Grace. The angel must team up with his natural enemy, the half-demon, to protect the mortal police officer they both care about.

Hope that helps some.

Krystal Wade said...

Stick to naming only the two most prominent characters. Going further only creates confusion in your readers.

My edit:

Officer Grace Rayne doesn’t know her guardian angel exists. Nor does she know he's fallen in love with her, until it's her time to die at the hands of vengeful gang members.

Gabe breaks the rules of Heaven and puts his life, as well as his job, in peril by saving the only human he's ever loved. Hunted by his best friend who vows to steal his powers, it's now Grace who guards her falling angel.

Now the gang, developing mysterious ties with supernatural individuals, is out for a second chance at Grace. The brooding angel must team up with his natural enemy, a jovial half-demon also interested in Grace, to protect the mortal police officer they both care about.

Hope that helps.