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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Query Workshop 20--Wish

Title: Wish
Genre: YA Historical Fantasy


Revision 1
Most seventeen-year old girls receive gifts on their birthday. Not Prism Chase. She is the gift. She's a Fairy Angel, and it's her turn to reply to the birthday wish. It doesn't matter that it's her birthday too, or that it's the eve of her graduation from Fairy Academy.

Ten years earlier the lie of an Unseelie fairy, masquerading as a palace cook, condemned Alexander Ryan's mother to death by starvation. He's sought vengeance on all fairies ever since. On his seventeenth birthday, he blows out all his candles and wishes for revenge. It's up to Prism to fulfill the wish and teach him that not all fairies are evil.

Alex believes falling love in love with a fairy would betray his mother, but he can't resist Prism's charms and beauty. Now he must convince Prism he loves her. But that may be impossible because she thinks all he wants to do is kill her.

Wish is a 57,000 word YA retelling of the fairy tale The Pink.


Original
Most eighteen-year old girls receive gifts on their birthday. Not Prism Chase. She was the gift. Fairy Angels answer the birthday wisher who blows out every candle on his cake and it’s Prism’s turn to reply to the wish call. No one cares she was supposed to be celebrating her own birthday, or that it was the eve of her graduation from Fairy Academy.

Ten years ago, a scheming fairy lied about Alexander Ryan's mother.As a result, his mother was sent to the dungeons and stripped of her crown. Now it was time for payback. On Alexander's seventeenth birthday, he blew out his candles and asked for a fairy that could make all his wishes for revenge come true. Out of all the wishes Alex could imagine, he never planned to fall in love. Loving a fairy means betraying the memory of his mother.

All Prism wished for was to live life as herself and not as some desire of an unforgiving wisher. When Alex promises he will grant her every wish, Prism hopes her dreams will finally come true. What really surprised Prism was how she could actually consider forfeiting her graduation and asking to become human to marry a man who wanted to kill her, but now says he loves her.

WISH is a 57,000 YA retelling mash-up of the fairy tale The Pink

5 comments:

Mark Koopmans said...

Hi,

There is a good story here, but I was a little confused by how Alexander falls in love, when he's wishing for revenge.

Also, the line, "When Alex promises he will grant her every wish..." sounds like Alex is also a fairy, but he's human, right?

That's all I had, so good luck:)

Huntress said...

Love the MC’s name!

Great premise and unique also. You might check your tense in places, though. IMO, I’d change ‘means’ in the second paragraph to ‘meant’.

The biggest problem I had with your query was the last sentence. There is a lot going on in those words and a bit confusing. Try re-writing it.

Charity Bradford said...

I'm sorry my comments are getting shorter! It was easier for me to pull out the parts I think are important. I tried to use your words, but reworded a bit. Hopefully it will give you a good idea where to focus. The story sounds like a fun read.

Most eighteen-year old girls receive gifts on their birthday. Not Prism Chase. She is the gift. She's a Fairy Angel, and it's her turn to reply to the birthday wish. It doesn't matter that it's her birthday too, or that it's the eve of her graduation from Fairy Academy.

Alexander Ryan blows out all his birthday candles and wishes for revenge on the fairy responsible for his mother's imprisonment. He didn't plan to fall in love. Does loving a fairy mean betraying the memory of his mother?

*The 3rd paragraph doesn't add anything to the query. Maybe you can hint at her desire to be free of wishers in the first paragraph. And how do they fall in love? Why? Is the mother dead? Your query left lots of questions. If Alex wanted revenge for 10 years why does he drop it so quickly?*

WISH is a 57,000 YA retelling mash-up of the fairy tale The Pink *are we missing part of the sentence here? mash-up makes me think of at least two things.*

Huntress said...

Wow! Great revisions! It has clarity, great consequence, and I love it.

mshatch said...

Most seventeen-year old girls receive gifts on their birthday. Not Prism Chase. She is the gift. She's a Fairy Angel, and it's her turn to reply to the birthday wish. It doesn't matter that it's her birthday too, or that it's the eve of her graduation from Fairy Academy.

But when Alexander Ryan wishes for vengeance - upon every fairy in existence - Prism is going to have to find a way to teach Alex that not all fairies are evil.

Alex believes falling love in love with a fairy would betray his mother, but he can't resist Prism's charms and beauty. Now he must convince Prism he loves her. But that may be impossible because she thinks all he wants to do is kill her. (I'm not sure what to do about this last paragraph. I think what you want is a way to show that while they start to fall in love they also feel like they're betraying their own kind, or something like that.)