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Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Bad Query #2

This query example is all in fun. Comments in RED

Dear To Whom it May Concern: Always, always direct your query to a single individual. Even if this is the only personalization you do, use a name and spell it correctly.

Look no Further! You have in front of you the next great Epic American Novel! *groan* I'm sure agents and publishers see this all the time. Many might stop reading here.

Trust me, it has everything! I put these characters through their paces. They don't know what hits them half the time. I'm surprised they make it to the end of the book, to tell you the truth! Though, to be honest, I wrote parts of this massive tome so long ago there are some characters that I completely lost track of. So they may not have made it. It is set in the Confederate South! Lots of dangerous stuff going on down there! Babbling, doesn't tell us anything about the book other than set in the Confederate South. There are a lot of exclamation points, and do you really want to tell an agent you lost track of your characters?

My main Lady Scarlett O'Hara is a firecracker. She is a true southern beauty, on the outside at least. Though you'll have to read the book to know what I mean by that! She is paired up with Rhett Butler for the romance of a lifetime. Bigger then Ginger and Fred! Bigger than Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth! Dare I say it...Bigger then Romeo and Juliet! Scarlett reaches into Rhett's chest, grabs ahold of his heart and won't let go! Whoa! Sounds painful. How is Rhett still alive if Scarlett plunged her hand into his chest? The question is...will he allow her to have such a hold over her? Or will he rebel!! Read my book! More !!, typos, misspellings, and we don't know anything new about the plot.

The other twist, well, One of the other twists...if I told them all to you there wouldn't be any reason for you to read this amazing manuscript! Anyway! I did an extraordinary amount of research for this book. I mean, just the details of having to know what happened during the battle that made Scarlett homeless? Oh dear! I've given away too much! Though now I may as well tell you. When Sherman marched to the Sea, Scarlett's  dear home, Tara, is in the way and is ravaged and she, by proxy becomes homeless. This pisses her off. What is she to do! Read the book! Find out! !!, typos. It feels like the author is rambling on--not professional at all--and I would worry the novel would be the same way.

Though I'm just now realizing I've not told you the title of my fabulous work of perfection! This is because I had such a time naming it. I cover everything in this journey. Civil War. Cotton plantations. Slavery. Romance. What it means to be a Southern Belle. Starvation. The sweeping epic-ness that IS the South during this time in their history. How could I possibly pin a simple title to cover such a huge journey of a book? Name something that would mean so much to so many different people! But I managed to. This whole paragraph is pointless and just confirms the author doesn't know how to GET TO THE POINT.

I call it. "Gone With the Wind". Working title, "Southern Belles Always Win". Which do you like better?

Thank you for your time and I expect to be hearing from you soon!


Wow! I don't think an agent would have made it to the end of this query. Even if they did, all we know is the main character's name is Scarlet and lots of "stuff" happens to her. There is no clear sense of the conflict or the choice she has to make.

13 comments:

Aldrea Alien said...

Epic-ness? Only an epic lol.

fairbetty said...

You know, until I interned at an agency, I wouldn't have thought that ^This^ was possible... *headdesk*

Lara Schiffbauer said...

That's funny and probably happens a lot more often than it should!

mshatch said...

That was wicked funny :)

Ink in the Book said...

Anyone who would query an agent in this way should be stood before a firing squad and shot with rotten tomato juice. Hilarious. Seriously hilarious:)

Suzanne Furness said...

Gave me a chuckle over breakfast! Thanks for making me smile.

Huntress said...

*still laughing*

Alicia C. said...

Now that's frightening!

Alicia C. said...

Apparently so...though truly I was going for the outlandishly awful! Oi.

Alicia C. said...

:)

Alicia C. said...

Agreed!

Alicia C. said...

Never a bad way to start your day! We try here at UB! :)

storymultiverse said...

Nice. A good mechanism to point out common flaws and keep us laughing all the while.

Also, it's worth noting that Gone With the Wind got its share of rejections before it went on to be ridiculously successful.