Query & First Page Critique - 1000 Sleepless Nights

Thanks to another lovely volunteer, I have feedback for the New Adult Contemporary, 1000 Sleepless Nights.

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At nineteen, prodigy Emme Sawyer flew through her undergrad work and was well on her way to becoming a doctor when the money ran out. Drawn in by the promise of a free education, she joins the Navy. Earning the title of Hospital Corpsman, Emme  and deploys to Afghanistan.

With the front lines blurred, Emme fights side by side with the Marines.   Even though she's assigned to hospital work, Emme ignores the danger and Ignoring the danger she runs into the fire fight to treat the wounded. Soon it becomes apparent that sometimes being smart isn’t enough and bullets don’t care if you’re a girl.

Emme struggles with the brutality she sees and shuts off her emotions, focusing on what she does best…keeping her men safe. Soon she develops feelings for her commanding officer. Feelings she doesn’t want and isn’t supposed to have for a member of her team. When her commanding officer reciprocates, Emme learns that you can’t choose when and where love finds you. After Emme is shipped home, her life crumbles. Faced with the nightmares of her deployment and unresolved feelings for her commanding officer, Emme must choose to move forward in a world she no longer feels a part of or find a way to return to the man she left behind. or figure out how to get back to the men she left behind.  I don't know if that change is accurate, but saying she wants to return to the officer is more symmetrical. It rounds out the two main conflicts you mention in the query and then summarize nicely at the end - her trauma from the front lines and her feelings for her commanding officer.

1000 Sleepless Nights is a Contemporary New Adult novel at 65,000 words. I LOVE your title.

Thank You for your concsideration,

Typo in that line. :)

I think this is a great query. It sounds like a unique and timely story that people would be interested in. The basics of the plot and primary conflict are well-illustrated, and you do a good job at showing the strength and courage of your MC. I care about her, and only within the space of 300 words of less, which can be tough to do.

I pared it down a little to take out some extra words and phrases that cluttered it up a little, in my opinion. However, none of the changes I suggested are super critical.

First page:

The brochure at the recruiting office offered a way to pay off my school loans and finish my degree. I didn’t realize it came with a one way ticket to hell, but now that seemed to be exactly where I was. There’s a lot of speculation on what hell looks like. Watch the tense, you shift to present in that last sentence. If anyone asked me, I’d tell them to hop a plane to the Middle East. I’d been in Afghanistan for close to a year. Currently,  I suggest that you take out all this backstory. All of that information is important, and you might want to weave it into the narrative throughout the first 10 pages so we know what's going on, but it's too much too soon. I'd like to get straight to the immediate scene.

I sat packed into the back of a hummer with a bunch of Army guys. The convoy I’d joined was headed headed to a compound where a local school was located. The air inside the cab was stale and charged with a nervous energy. The temperature was stifling. The desert was a consistent 120 degrees whether it was day or night. Is that accurate? The deserts I'm familiar with have extreme temperature changes between day and night. If I'm wrong, ignore me, it just struck me as odd.

  We kept the windows rolled up due to the possibility of hitting an IED, improvised explosive device, but more importantly to keep the fine grains of sand from filling the truck. At this point I was seriously thinking a little sand wouldn’t hurt. You've got quite a few "was"s in the first paragraph. Perhaps you can find some stronger action verbs to use.

“Good to have you, Doc,” the Sergeant said over his shoulder.

Before I could answer the interpreter started rattling off a frantic string of guttural sounds. Afghanistan had at least thirty-four languages. I had basics medical terms in two, but the faster he spoke the more his words sounded like he was clearing the phlegm out of his throat.

“Hey man slow down I can’t understand you,” the Sergeant said. “There’s a road block ahead.” A voice on the radio cut through the chaos. The line of hummers stopped and waited for their next directive. The drivers amazed me at their ability to kept an equal distance between the vehicles at all times. It was like synchronized swimming except with vehicles.

Except for the backstory at the beginning, this is a really strong start! I'd certainly keep reading.

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Now it's your turn! What do you think? I've pasted the uninterrupted version here:

At nineteen, prodigy Emme Sawyer flew through her undergrad work and was well on her way to becoming a doctor when the money ran out. Drawn in by the promise of a free education, she joins the Navy. Earning the title of Hospital Corpsman, Emme deploys to Afghanistan.

With the front lines blurred, Emme fights side by side with the Marines. Ignoring the danger she runs into the fire fight to treat the wounded. Soon it becomes apparent that sometimes being smart isn’t enough and bullets don’t care if you’re a girl.

Emme struggles with the brutality she sees and shuts off her emotions, focusing on what she does best…keeping her men safe. Soon she develops feelings for her commanding officer. Feelings she doesn’t want and isn’t supposed to have for a member of her team. When her commanding officer reciprocates, Emme learns that you can’t choose when and where love finds you. After Emme is shipped home, her life crumbles. Faced with the nightmares of her deployment and unresolved feelings for her commanding officer, Emme must choose to move forward in a world she no longer feels a part of or figure out how to get back to the men she left behind.
1000 Sleepless Nights is a Contemporary New Adult novel at 65,000 words.

Thank You for your concideration,


First page:

The brochure at the recruiting office offered a way to pay off my school loans and finish my degree. I didn’t realize it came with a one way ticket to hell, but now that seemed to be exactly where I was. There’s a lot of speculation on what hell looks like. If anyone asked me, I’d tell them to hop a plane to the Middle East. I’d been in Afghanistan for close to a year. Currently, I sat packed into the back of a hummer with a bunch of Army guys. The convoy I’d joined was headed to a compound where a local school was located. The air inside the cab was stale and charged with a nervous energy. The temperature was stifling. The desert was a consistent 120 degrees whether it was day or night. We kept the windows rolled up due to the possibility of hitting an IED, improvised explosive device, but more importantly to keep the fine grains of sand from filling the truck. At this point I was seriously thinking a little sand wouldn’t hurt.

“Good to have you, Doc,” the Sergeant said over his shoulder.

Before I could answer the interpreter started rattling off a frantic string of guttural sounds. Afghanistan had at least thirty-four languages. I had basics medical terms in two, but the faster he spoke the more his words sounded like he was clearing the phlegm out of his throat.

“Hey man slow down I can’t understand you,” the Sergeant said. “There’s a road block ahead.” A voice on the radio cut through the chaos. The line of hummers stopped and waited for their next directive. The drivers amazed me at their ability to kept an equal distance between the vehicles at all times. It was like synchronized swimming except with vehicles.

Query & First Page Critique - The Memory Keeper

Thank you to everyone who submitted their first page and/or query! I have enough for this week, but you can still submit using our standard submissions process to be considered for critique at a later date. Today, I have a query and first page for the YA Historical Fantasy, The Memory Keeper.

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The Memory Keeper

YA Historical Fantasy

78,000


Memories, lost identities, and expectations haunt Ashton Driver and River Morgan. They are strangers connected by a force that neither understand. Ashton wishes to succeed with his new mission to rescue the damsel in distress. After all, if he wins, he gets the girl. While River struggles to survive her curious identity crisis, decisions must be made before lives are lost or forgotten. 

I'm afraid that this whole first paragraph it too vague. You mention different general issues they're dealing with, "identity crisis", "a force", rescuing the "damsel in distress", etc., but none of these are explained and we have nothing concrete. Can you think of one specific, concrete, and possibly visual detail to lead us in with? Or it may be helpful to not worry too much about the "hook" and just start where the story starts. What is the inciting incident that gets the story started? Try starting with that as your hook and see how that works.

Ashton is every girl’s dream with mood ring eyes and glowing tattoos that change with every new military command. I say you could start here. The mood ring eyes and glowing tattoos are excellent examples of concrete, specific, and visual details. It shows how your story is unique and I can visualize the image. Survival and protection of the weak comes natural to him. However, with the recent instructions to find the missing princess, his heart melts. "Heart melts" strikes me as a tad cliche. Can you find another way to say this? Oh, the princess is beautiful all right, and smart, too. The catch? She’s one hundred years old. Okay, but you never really explain how or why the princess is 100 years old. :) Is she some kind of immortal or actually just an old woman? If it's not important to the story, I would leave this detail out as it just leads to more questions, and not in the good way. :)

While Ashton prepares for his mission at the Shadow Academy, River fights for her life in a world where she is the target. She’s the Keeper of the Memory Book, an animated diary where she records the memories of everyone. It has the power to bring memories alive or erase them, never to be remembered. She must protect the Book and herself, or she’s destined to live as nothing more than a memory. When the Book is stolen, River is the first person to experience the overwhelming power of the journal.

I do think I understand the Memory Book explanation is better here than in previous drafts. So with the memory book, River can animate or alter everyone's memories. I'm with you there. However, I don't understand why getting the book stolen would turn her into a memory. Or do you just mean they will kill her? When you talk abou the "overwhelming power of the journal" this is vague, what actually happens in the story?

Ashton and River eventually cross paths and their futures become more complicated. Ashton’s heart belongs to the princess, but he finds River mysterious, yet irresistible. River is an important piece to Ashton’s puzzle and he must discover why because the risk is way too high: return with his new princess bride or die.

Of course you do need a paragraph at the end that gives the title, word count, genre, and short bio. You may have just left it out for the purposes of this critique. My understanding of "historical fantasy" is that it's set in a real-world historical setting but with fantasy elements. Since setting and time period are so critical in historical fiction, I think it's important for you to bring these elements into the query more. At this point, I really don't know when or where this novel is set.

You have some cool elements in this story. I think the idea of the Memory Book has a lot of promise, but as it is, the query is too busy. There is a lot going on and too much of it is vague. The stories of your two main characters seem somewhat unrelated except for "they eventually cross paths". I encourage you to simplify as much as possible and be as specific as possible. Tell us your setting, your MC, and describe the primary conflict, and use that as your basic framework. Even if this story is told from multiple viewpoints, it may be good to use only one in your query as it would be much cleaner. Try making the query primary about River. And yes, you can do that! My novel is told from multiple viewpoints but I made a point to give one person the most page time so he's officially the main character. I wrote my query purely about him and his primary conflict even though there are other characters and side-stories in my novel.

I think you're getting closer, so don't give up. You can do it!
First Page:


River tore a piece of material from the hem of her petticoat and wrapped it around her hand, clenching the cloth between her teeth. The white linen turned red before she finished tying the knot. I like the first sentence because it gives us a sense of time with "petticoat", it includes conflict, and it's a concrete image. Her stomach tightened and for a moment she thought she would be sick. Taking in a long breath calmed her enough to stop the shakes in her hands. An image laced with pink swirled through her mind, yet River didn’t recognize it. I think this is a good opportunity for a more specific image. Instead of "image laced with pink" can we actually see something here? A pink shoe? A pink glove? A pink Whoopie Cushion? ;)

I have to get away. How did they find me? Oh God! What am I going to do? Where can I go?

Staggering to her feet, River leaned against the side of the wagon. She strained her ears for any noise, any movement. Nothing. She had to hurry, before they came back for her. No time to think, no time to waste. They would return once they knew their assassin had failed. She stared past the dried up, yellowing plants of the garden towards her house.

The shanty door swung back and forth, creaking a sad, singsong melody as if to say goodbye. Someone had been inside her makeshift home. Panic clamped down as she thought of the Memory Book. Every muscle in River’s body throbbed, but she forced her legs to move forward. Her entire life hinged upon keeping the Memory Book safe, away from prying eyes. No one knew it existed. Except the Thief Takers. They had chased her for months lusting after the powers held within its pages.

Good job! I think you've done well with editing your first page. It has conflict and concrete images. I would keep reading.

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Thank you for sharing your work. Getting public critique takes guts! :) I've said what I have to say, what about you? Please share your feedback for our brave volunteer. I pasted the uninterrupted submission here:

Query:

The Memory Keeper

YA Historical Fantasy

78,000

Memories, lost identities, and expectations haunt Ashton Driver and River Morgan. They are strangers connected by a force that neither understand. Ashton wishes to succeed with his new mission to rescue the damsel in distress. After all, if he wins, he gets the girl. While River struggles to survive her curious identity crisis, decisions must be made before lives are lost or forgotten.

Ashton is every girl’s dream with mood ring eyes and glowing tattoos that change with every new military command. Survival and protection of the weak comes natural to him. However, with the recent instructions to find the missing princess, his heart melts. Oh, the princess is beautiful all right, and smart, too. The catch? She’s one hundred years old.

While Ashton prepares for his mission at the Shadow Academy, River fights for her life in a world where she is the target. She’s the Keeper of the Memory Book, an animated diary where she records the memories of everyone. It has the power to bring memories alive or erase them, never to be remembered. She must protect the Book and herself, or she’s destined to live as nothing more than a memory. When the Book is stolen, River is the first person to experience the overwhelming power of the journal.

Ashton and River eventually cross paths and their futures become more complicated. Ashton’s heart belongs to the princess, but he finds River mysterious, yet irresistible. River is an important piece to Ashton’s puzzle and he must discover why because the risk is way too high: return with his new princess bride or die.


First Page:


River tore a piece of material from the hem of her petticoat and wrapped it around her hand, clenching the cloth between her teeth. The white linen turned red before she finished tying the knot. Her stomach tightened and for a moment she thought she would be sick. Taking in a long breath calmed her enough to stop the shakes in her hands. An image laced with pink swirled through her mind, yet River didn’t recognize it.

I have to get away. How did they find me? Oh God! What am I going to do? Where can I go?

Staggering to her feet, River leaned against the side of the wagon. She strained her ears for any noise, any movement. Nothing. She had to hurry, before they came back for her. No time to think, no time to waste. They would return once they knew their assassin had failed. She stared past the dried up, yellowing plants of the garden towards her house.

The shanty door swung back and forth, creaking a sad, singsong melody as if to say goodbye. Someone had been inside her makeshift home. Panic clamped down as she thought of the Memory Book. Every muscle in River’s body throbbed, but she forced her legs to move forward. Her entire life hinged upon keeping the Memory Book safe, away from prying eyes. No one knew it existed. Except the Thief Takers. They had chased her for months lusting after the powers held within its pages.

Query Critique - The Legacy of The Eye

Thank you Patricia, my first brave volunteer! Here is her query for a science fiction romance.

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Dear [Agent Name],

David and Catrine, top graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates--they are a team. At least until the day he kisses her.

This "hook" sentence is technically fine, but I think it could be stronger. Basically you're saying that best friends are becoming romantic, which is certainly a fine plot element but not very unique or "hooky". Since your novel is primarily science fiction, I think I'd prefer to see some sci-fi elements in the hook, instead of pure romance. Perhaps you just start with the inciting incident – David finds the tattoo. You can certainly mention that he finds it while kissing her for the first time, to add that element. Maybe something like, "Catrine had been David's best friend for years, so he doesn't know what to expect when he kisses her for the first time. He certainly didn't expect to find a tattoo on her neck that implies she's a member of ruling family of Demia."

That day, David notices the tiny tattoo hidden beneath her hair. He recognizes the symbol from a book that implied a single family had been ruling Demia since colonization. But David had never believed the book before. It contradicted the core principles on which the planet was founded. Demia is the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It is supposed to value merit, not birthright.

This is useful backstory, but since it is backstory, you could stand to cut it down so we can get to the action faster. I think you're okay with just saying she has a tattoo of the symbol of the ruling family of Demia, a family that's supposed to be no more than myth, because on a planet that values knowledge over all else, David believed that leaders were chosen on merit. Obviously, you'd want to clean that up to flow a little better, but as someone who doesn't know anything about your world, that's all I feel like I need to know for backstory, 2 sentences tops.

Now David is certain Catrine is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their school-planet. This is the first time "school" planet is mentioned. If that's an important detail, you might want to mention this earlier. If it's not important, I would remove "school" just to not distract the reader. Will his degree in governance count for naught when the next headmaster is chosen? That particular problem seems off-topic and not as important as the others. And how can he love her if she represents the hypocrisy of the utopian society he has always believed in?

When David discovers his parents are conspiring to make him king of Demia by marrying him to Catrine, he is sure his skills can be better employed at the other end of the galaxy. A self-imposed exile will thwart his parents’ ploy, but can Demia prosper without him? This seems like a detail you don't need. This character the "self-imposed exile" just confuses things to me. And how long can he evade those who are determined to lure him home? The bait might just be more than he can resist.

You have a lot of questions in your query. Those can be nice in a back-of-the-book blurb or other promotional material, but their use is questionable in a query. The agent or publisher does want to be "teased" into wanting to know more, but only by hearing an awesome plot and voice. Too may questions can be off-putting. They just want the meat of the story and a chance to hear your voice and style.

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 85,500 words, is science fiction with romantic components. LEGACY has a literary bent and was inspired by Plato’s Republic.

Since they are in school, I wonder about their age. Is this YA? New Adult? If so, certainly mention that. If they're over 18, you're probably okay marketing it as straight adult, but be aware that the query does make me wonder if you've forgotten to mention the age group you're targeting.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

On the whole, I think this query is very good. If you're not getting bites, it may be that it's good, but just not blowing them out of the water. The tough truth is that good or even very good, is not always enough. An agent or an editor has to think, "Wow, that's the coolest thing I've ever heard! I can't wait to read that," in order for it to make it out of their mountain of slush. I know that's pretty cruel advice since adding that magic factor isn't exactly an easy fix. But, I think you're close. Perhaps making some of these changes will take away some of the clutter that distracts from what does seem like a compelling, high-stakes plot with a great romance.

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But that's just what I think! Please add your own 2 cents. I pasted the query without interruptions here so you can read it through and share your own thoughts.

Dear [Agent Name],

David and Catrine, top graduates from the Academy of Demia, are more than friends and schoolmates--they are a team. At least until the day he kisses her.

That day, David notices the tiny tattoo hidden beneath her hair. He recognizes the symbol from a book that implied a single family had been ruling Demia since colonization. But David had never believed the book before. It contradicted the core principles on which the planet was founded. Demia is the center of knowledge in the galaxy. It is supposed to value merit, not birthright.

Now David is certain Catrine is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their school-planet. Will his degree in governance count for naught when the next headmaster is chosen? And how can he love her if she represents the hypocrisy of the utopian society he has always believed in?

When David discovers his parents are conspiring to make him king of Demia by marrying him to Catrine, he is sure his skills can be better employed at the other end of the galaxy. A self-imposed exile will thwart his parents’ ploy, but can Demia prosper without him? And how long can he evade those who are determined to lure him home? The bait might just be more than he can resist.

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE, complete at 85,500 words, is science fiction with romantic components. LEGACY has a literary bent and was inspired by Plato’s Republic.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Call for submissions!

This week I'd love to provide feedback on queries and first pages! It will be first-come first-served, any genre. So if you're game, send your submission to unicornbellsubmissions@gmail.com. I'll take the first five that I think would make for good posts.

I'll publish your submission and my comments on the blog this week and our readers will be able to comment as well.

For more information on our submission process, go here.

I don't claim to be an expert, but I'm a published author (or will be on 3/2/13) and work for the marketing department of Curiosity Quills Press. Here are some of my past posts on querying and first pages so you can know in advance what I might comment on.

The Query Formula

Frightening First Page Fouls

I look forward to reading!

Ancient Knowledge

This week I’m offering “what if” questions for you to ponder. Because I’m lazy that way it’s a holiday week. Full explanation on Monday’s post.

I don't have a reason behind today's question. I was watching something or other about some ancient civilization or other, and the question popped into my head. These are questions I just go with.

What if the ancients had some way of writing/recording stuff, but at some point they destroyed it all? What if they decided to hide something from us future humans and the only way to do that was to get rid of all trace of their accomplishments?

Exploring Earth

This week I’m offering “what if” questions for you to ponder. Because I’m lazy that way it’s a holiday week. Full explanation on Monday’s post.

There is a theory that life on Earth started from meteorites or asteroids that contained the building blocks of life crashing into Earth. And such ideas always get me thinking.

What if that space debris was seeded by another civilization as a way to explore other worlds that those beings couldn't get to?

Ghost in the Hologram

This week I’m offering “what if” questions for you to ponder. Because I’m lazy that way it’s a holiday week. Full explanation on Monday’s post.

Back in April, there was this brouhaha over the Tupac “hologram” performing at Coachella. (And now as I go online to find the links, I learned that the company went bankrupt in September, but that doesn’t change the nature of my question.)

Most people went oooh and ahhh. Me? I took a crazy thought and ran with it.

What if these performances weren’t done by holograms? What if the media group figured out a way to get ghosts to perform? What if someone figured out a way to talk to the dead and found a way to let everyone see them, and they used it like this?

A Computer Simulation

This week I’m offering “what if” questions for you to ponder. Because I’m lazy that way it’s a holiday week. Full explanation on Monday’s post.

I saw something about this in October and then just a couple weeks ago. And as such items always do, this started me thinking.

What if the universe we live in is a computer simulation? What if we are all parts of some computer? What does that mean for us? Would this knowledge help us or hurt us?