Today we have the second part of Connie's second chapter - Jolin...
“Are you asking me or telling me.”
He smiled. He was older and his head was thinning. He seemed nice
enough. Why? What made him seem nice? Did he have a
kind voice, an understanding smile? Show us.
“T-t-telling. I had a g-g-game.”
“Yes you did.” He nodded.
“It was three days ago, Jolin. You’ve been
unconscious for three days.” My mom grabbed my hand and started rubbing
it against her cheek, tears pooling in her eyes.
The doctor shot her a frustrated look. “Yes,
you have been unconscious for a few days. You had a severe impact to the
head. Helmet to helmet contact.”
My mind couldn’t process what he was saying. If he was saying I had a severe concussion I’d be
sidelined. It was my senior football year. (he seems younger than this in the first part of the chapter – just sayin…)
I had colleges looking at me.
“You also had an injury to your shoulder. Rotator cuff was torn.
We’ll need to do surgery but wanted to wait until you woke up.”
“When?” My words failed mey but I already knew the
answer. But
needed to hear it someone say it out loud.
My mom brought my hand to her lips and kissed it, holding it there, unable to
look into my eyes.
“When?” I repeated.
“Jolin. I won’t be able to clear you to play again. Your brain is
severely bruised. Your short term memory has been compromised. Your
speech has been affected. If you had have
another head impact, even minor it could cause serious damage. Even
death. You’ll never play again.”
Your thoughts?
2 comments:
I agree with Marcy that his story is more interesting, but that might be because there is more info in this chapter than the previous one. In both cases, however, I think you need to go deeper into the characters, their problems, reactions, and motivation. You're showing us highlights, we want to live it.
The doctor's analysis seems too quick. How about leading us into it at a slower pace. Like Patchi says, '...we want to live it...'. Give us a chance to catch up, lol. You've lived with these Voices. You know everything about them. Slow down and introduce us properly.
That said, I am hooked though. I want to know more about this young man. You've created interest and the need to learn more. Excellent.
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