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Friday, August 9, 2013

SERENITY part four

Today we have the second part of Connie's  second chapter - Jolin...

“Are you asking me or telling me.” He smiled.  He was older and his head was thinning.  He seemed nice enough. Why? What made him seem nice? Did he have a kind voice, an understanding smile? Show us.
            “T-t-telling.  I had a g-g-game.”
            “Yes you did.” He nodded.
            “It was three days ago, Jolin.  You’ve been unconscious for three days.”  My mom grabbed my hand and started rubbing it against her cheek, tears pooling in her eyes.
            The doctor shot her a frustrated look.  “Yes, you have been unconscious for a few days.  You had a severe impact to the head.  Helmet to helmet contact.” 
            My mind couldn’t process what he was saying.  If he was saying I had a severe concussion I’d be sidelined.  It was my senior football year.  (he seems younger than this in the first part of the chapter – just sayin…) I had colleges looking at me.
            “You also had an injury to your shoulder.  Rotator cuff was torn.  We’ll need to do surgery but wanted to wait until you woke up.” 
            “When?”  My words failed mey but I already knew the answer.  But needed to hear it someone say it out loud. 
            My mom brought my hand to her lips and kissed it, holding it there, unable to look into my eyes.
            “When?” I repeated.
            “Jolin.  I won’t be able to clear you to play again.  Your brain is severely bruised.  Your short term memory has been compromised.  Your speech has been affected.  If you had have another head impact, even minor it could cause serious damage. Even death.  You’ll never play again.”

My thoughts: I have to echo a comment from yesterday: this seems like a completely different story than chapter one. And I’m actually more interested in what happens to Jolin. How will he react to this sudden change in his place in the world? What will he do without football? How badly has the injury affected his brain? I’m curious and I would read on to find out. 

Your thoughts?


Patchi said...

I agree with Marcy that his story is more interesting, but that might be because there is more info in this chapter than the previous one. In both cases, however, I think you need to go deeper into the characters, their problems, reactions, and motivation. You're showing us highlights, we want to live it.

Huntress, aka CD Coffelt said...

The doctor's analysis seems too quick. How about leading us into it at a slower pace. Like Patchi says, '...we want to live it...'. Give us a chance to catch up, lol. You've lived with these Voices. You know everything about them. Slow down and introduce us properly.

That said, I am hooked though. I want to know more about this young man. You've created interest and the need to learn more. Excellent.