SERENITY part four

Today we have the second part of Connie's  second chapter - Jolin...

“Are you asking me or telling me.” He smiled.  He was older and his head was thinning.  He seemed nice enough. Why? What made him seem nice? Did he have a kind voice, an understanding smile? Show us.

            “T-t-telling.  I had a g-g-game.”

            “Yes you did.” He nodded.

            “It was three days ago, Jolin.  You’ve been unconscious for three days.”  My mom grabbed my hand and started rubbing it against her cheek, tears pooling in her eyes.

            The doctor shot her a frustrated look.  “Yes, you have been unconscious for a few days.  You had a severe impact to the head.  Helmet to helmet contact.” 

            My mind couldn’t process what he was saying.  If he was saying I had a severe concussion I’d be sidelined.  It was my senior football year.  (he seems younger than this in the first part of the chapter – just sayin…) I had colleges looking at me.

            “You also had an injury to your shoulder.  Rotator cuff was torn.  We’ll need to do surgery but wanted to wait until you woke up.” 

            “When?”  My words failed mey but I already knew the answer.  But needed to hear it someone say it out loud. 

            My mom brought my hand to her lips and kissed it, holding it there, unable to look into my eyes.

            “When?” I repeated.

            “Jolin.  I won’t be able to clear you to play again.  Your brain is severely bruised.  Your short term memory has been compromised.  Your speech has been affected.  If you had have another head impact, even minor it could cause serious damage. Even death.  You’ll never play again.”

My thoughts: I have to echo a comment from yesterday: this seems like a completely different story than chapter one. And I’m actually more interested in what happens to Jolin. How will he react to this sudden change in his place in the world? What will he do without football? How badly has the injury affected his brain? I’m curious and I would read on to find out. 

Your thoughts?

SERENITY part three

Today we have chapter two of Connie's NA contemporary romance. My comments will again be in blue and we'd love if you'd add yours.

Jolin

            “M-m-mom?”

            “It’s okay honey.  I’m right here.” 

            I felt a hand grip mine and another rub softly up and down my arm. Instead of “I felt a hand…” how about, “A hand gripped mine…

            I turned my head to look for her but a sharp pain shot through my neck. 

            “No sweety don’t move.  I’ll call the nurse.”  She ran out of the room and left me on my own.  My eyes were dry (tell how his eyes feel…gritty? Burning? Also, there should be a comma after dry and probably one after times as well) and I blinked a few times trying to focus on my surroundings.  I was in a hospital room but I couldn’t remember why I was here.  My mom came back in the room followed by a doctor.

            “So how are we feeling young man?” The doctor took a stethoscope from around his neck and a light thingy from his pocket.  He leaned in (comma) shining the light into my eyes.  “How’s your head feeling?”

            I took a moment to see how my head did feel.  “It hurts…I g-g-guess.” I’m guessing he doesn’t need a moment to figure out that his head hurts.

            “Do you have any memory of what got you here,” he asked.

            I shook my head.  Pain shot through my neck again.  I cringed.  “N-n-no.”

            The doctor sat on the edge of my bed.  “What’s the last thing you remember?”

            I closed my eyes the words were in my head but didn’t want to come out of my mouth.

“P-p-playing football?”

My thoughts: This second chapter seems like an entirely different story. I'm also a lot more interested in Jolin (I assume that's the kid's name) than Ren but only because he's in a scary situation which has elicited my sympathy. Not that I don't feel sorry for Ren with her lush for a mother but the kid's situation worries me more. 

What do you think?