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Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Action crit #3: fighting against a greenscreen

Author says: Landry's magical power is the ability to use other mages powers as his own when in proximity or when touching. Talia is his wife, they communicate telepathically.

The transport didn’t make it to the palace. Half way there the alarms sounded and Landry patched into the COM system.

“Talia, we’re needed in the commercial district. Promise me you’ll stay inside.” Landry pulled a HEP (High Energy Plasma) out of a locker and strapped it to his hip before grabbing a CC2 off the wall.
“I thought you didn’t like using the crowd controller?” Talia watched as the other men grabbed their weapons.

“It’s a last resort. Now stay inside.” He kissed her on the forehead as the transport landed. “I mean it.”

Landry led his men out the door and Talia heard the roar of angry voices before it closed behind him. She raced to the cockpit where the pilot sat listening to the COM chatter. >>Quibble: who did she race?

“What’s going on?” She sat in the copilot’s chair.

“There was an altercation between two men at this restaurant that has grown into a full blown riot.” He pulled up a view screen to show the scene outside. A cluster of men brawled in the street while others circled to watch. Fists pummeled faces and bodies as the struggle progressed. And then Talia saw it. >>Definition quibble: riots involve large groups of people acting en masse to destroy property and attack individuals/small groups. What follows here sounds more like brawl, to me. A fracas. Perhaps a melee or a donnybrook (that's a fun word.) Partly because the soldiers don't use usual police tactics for breaking up riots -- no tear gas, no mention of billy clubs -- and just join in. Partly because I'm not clear on how many people are involved. 

A flash of light blossomed and a man flew backwards.

“He’s using magic! Why is he fighting with magic?”

The pilot mumbled something about playing dirty, but Talia was distracted as Landry and his men moved into the fray. The fighters ignored the command to break it up but several onlookers scattered. Talia gasped as one of the mage sent a blue wave of energy toward the soldiers. The weak pulse caused men to stumble but it didn’t stop them. >>one of the mages -- though this implies there's more than one? How many are there? And why is the mage bothering with a weak pulse?

Soldiers grabbed men and pulled them off of each other. Landry took a fist to the face. Talia jumped up determined to help but the pilot grabbed her by the arm.

“The Colonel said to stay here.”

“He needs my help!”

The pilot laughed. “You don’t know him that well then. He’s not called the Iron Fist for nothing. Just watch.”

Talia sat on the edge of her seat. The Royalists were now mixed in with all the other men. It took a moment, but she found Landry sparring with a big guy who couldn’t decide between punching and electrical pulses. >>Blue highlighter is me trying to figure out how many groups of people are involved here -- the generic "men" gets in the way a bit. Soldiers = Royalists? How many mages are there, and whose side are they on? How big is this fight? What's going on around it?

Landry grinned as he swapped punch for punch. Whenever the guy tried magic, Landry waved his hand until he had absorbed the wave and shot it back. >>it sounds like that takes a while? Fewer words = quicker action. 

“See, he’s playing with the guy.” The pilot laughed. “Maybe having a Colonel with magic is a good thing after all.”

Talia just stared. It did look like Landry was enjoying himself. How could he stand causing another person pain? Eventually the mob was subdued and loaded into another transport to be taken in for questioning. Landry didn’t look too bad when he returned to the transport, but he did have a busted lip. Talia stood with her hands on her hips waiting for him. >>Subdued... arrested? Tasered? Beaten to a pulp? Be more specific. And how does Landry deal with the guy he was fighting? Let's see him earn that nickname...

“I should leave that lip to heal on its own.”

Landry wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her into the private compartment. Once the door had shut, he backed her up against it.

“I can just do this.” He bent down and bit her lower lip before capturing her mouth. As they kissed, Landry used Talia’s magic to heal his lip and a bruised rib she hadn’t seen. >>LOL, so they have to have equal injuries first?

You can be so frustrating sometimes.

But you love me anyway.

Needs scenery! All I know is that the fight started at "this restaurant" and now it's out "in the street."  That can't have been a graceful transition. And I doubt it's good for rush hour traffic, or whatever's appropriate for this world.

And one question: what's the goal, in this scene? It seems like a brief distraction from whatever else is going on. Nothing's at stake and nothing's gained. 

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