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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Voice #3

“So why are we sneakin around?” Geri asked. She daintily held up her dress to keep from muddying it as they scooted back down the side of the stables. She almost swore when a bush snagged her.

“I don’t want security to get suspicious and bother us,” he whispered back to her.

Slouching in the bushes won’t make them suspicious at all, she said to herself sarcastically. (heh heh) “Why are you so interested in the stables?”

He turned around and looked at her. She fluttered her bright green eyes back at him, sparkling and mischievous. She knew how to turn on the charm, it was hopeless for him to resist. “You are going to stay with me all night, aren’t you,” he said. (For some reason I read this as a question the first time. Like he was pleading with her to stay. Then I realized it was more of a statement. Try changing 'you are' to 'you're staying'. Could just be me though. :)

“Not lettin you outta my sight,” she said with a big smile. “You are too intriguing, J.L.” (I haven't been able to find the answer on the lettin' or lettin question. I'll keep looking. Anyone else have any luck?)

“Then I’m going to have to tell you,” he said. He turned his back to her and started walking again. “I’m a private investigator,” he whispered over his shoulder.

“No!” she said, pretending to be shocked as she smirked behind his back. (I'm curious why she reacts this way.)

“Yes. I’m sorry I deceived you. I had a client who was concerned about his missing boss. One of those mysterious disappearances. He tried to find out what happened and got paranoid, thought he was being followed. At first I didn’t take him seriously. Now he’s dead.” He paused to scan the area.

“Oh my goodness!” Geri gasped and put her hand to her mouth.

“While I’ve been investigating, another ‘accident’ happened, my secretary has gone missing, and yesterday I caught some guy following me with a gun.”

She grabbed his arm to pretend she was shocked. “Did he shoot at you?” Geri felt sorry for him. Poor guy. He probably never saw so much action in all his life.

I think the voice is great in all of this, but not knowing the background, some of the dialogue and the girl's reactions seems off. He sounds serious, but she's not taking him seriously. I'm sure all of it makes sense in context with what comes before. 


1000th.monkey said...

I agree with charity's final comment. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to be taking this (potential) threat seriously or not. That, and I never got a good idea how old the characters were... I started out thinking teens, but as the scene progressed, the voice of the male character seemed to get older.

though the scene certainly peaked my curiosity ;)

writeidea said...

I'd also agree that it isn't clear whether the girl should come across as flippant or if she maybe knows something and acts that way so he won't suspect her. She does come across as one of those flighty southern bells (like in Gone With the Wind

I'd do lettin' with the apostrophe (or even as the actual word). Right now, I think her actions give enough of her personality without the need for it.

Huntress said...

Excellent voice. This grabbed my attention and hooked me immediately. Good writing, good scenes.
Assuming there is more to her motives before and after this scene, I would edit the explanations though. I’d bet a nickel she has ‘shown’ these emotions before.

Example: “No!” she said, pretending to be shocked as she smirked behind his back.

I call this talking out loud (or ‘aloud’. I haven’t figured that one out either). You want the reader to know this about your character. So you write/explain this.

One piece of advice: Resist the Urge to Explain. Or RUE. Let her dialogue carry the story. Show the reader what she is thinking/feeling. Don’t ‘tell’ us or explain too much.

Despite my crit, I loved this and would turn the page.

Brooke R. Busse said...

I feel as if J.L.'s dialogue isn't very realistic. You're using his words to rack up the tension and explain what's going on at the same time, but it reads more like prose than dialogue. Geri's dialogue is much, much better.

mshatch said...

I have to agree that if she's sneaking around with him then she should be taking him a little more seriously. I also concur with Brooke's comments about J.L.'s dialogue.

Donna Hole said...

It does have good voice; flirty and sarcastic. At first I wasn't sure who's POV we were in; but once he started disclosing his secrets, getting intimate, the perspective cleared up.

I'm not good at reading humor, and I suspect this story is more humorous than serious. Poor guy, bearing his worries, and she seems to be enjoying his discomfort.

I'm sure she has good reason that is divulged either just before or just after this scene.

The author has some excellent character building skills here. An intriguing excerpt. I'm wondering what exactly is going on, and I'm sure there is more to both their personalities than this showing.

Nice work with the scene concept.


Tara Tyler said...

thanks for the help & comments! i shouldve given an intro that Geri is undercover and knows Cooper's story already =) i will work on sharpening his dialog.