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Thursday, December 8, 2011

Voice #2

I thought the voice was great in this piece too, so I commented on other things as I went. Really, not a lot to complain about, this was great!

Title: Black Rose
Genre: Urban Fantasy

Inside the crowded club, the smell of humans hung heavy in the air. Behind the counter, I stood with my back to the customers waiting for service, bit my finger and held it over my coffee cup.(My only thought here is that you have two sentences in a row that start with a prepositional phrase. You may want to switch one of them.) Three round red drops of blood plopped into the dark liquid below. I licked my finger, sealing over the two puncture marks and turned around to watch the room. As I sipped the coffee, the scalding liquid hit my stomach with the force of a cyclone. The infusion of blood would make sure it stayed there. (So far I love everything.)

People swung (? maybe swayed would be better?) and gyrated on the dance floor to the hypnotic sound of salsa music. Sweaty and panting, they came and stood at the counter demanding water, beer, munchies and just a bit too much attention. Their scent permeated everything. My clothes, my hair, even the gleaming mahogany of the bar. The monster inside me threatened to uncurl, wanting to luxuriate in the smell. Inhaling deeply from my coffee, I shut my eyes, concentrating on the slightly acrid odor. You don’t feed from humans, I told myself, the ever-deriding voice inside my head stern and edged with anger. (I love all of this) The voice—sounding way to much like my master—taunted me, telling me I was a fool to think I could run a club catering to humans.

When I opened my eyes, Nikolai reclined on a bar stool across from me—a trick only he could pull off and make it look comfortable. His black hair, slicked away from his face, brushed the upright edges on the collar of his floor-length leather coat. He couldn’t look more like something out of a B-grade horror movie if he tried. Sometimes I thought he dressed like that for the reaction he got from people. He smirked at me, only reinforcing my supposition.

I loved this submission. There are so many things I want to know. The hook for me was here: "I was a fool to think I could run a club catering to humans." I love stories where the MC has to battle with their inner demons. 


1000th.monkey said...

Well, I know this one inside and out :) So I can't help but like it.

(no, it's not mine)

Huntress said...

some ideas. (wish I had strikeout and color for comments. grrrr)

"Three round drops plopped into the coffee. I licked my finger and sealed the two puncture marks as I watched the room. The liquid scalded my throat as I drank and it hit my stomach with

*the force of a cyclone* might be a little too over the top?

“… and gyrated on the dance floor to the salsa music."
*right here, tell me why the salsa music is so invigorating. Give it an animalistic bent or give it life. Not descriptions but "...the music snarled and the dancers answered with raw emotions..." I don't know, not very good but make the music breathe like a wild thing w/o using adjectives.

He smirked at me, only reinforcing my “supposition.” I’d substitute a simpler word here. ‘Theory’ maybe?

Woo. Very good. You had me hooked with the first two sentences. (I agree with Charity, btw about the prepositional phrases.)

Note your overuse of adjectives.

As I read your submission, I was taking a bite from an apple and my hand stopped in mid air. It takes a lot to make me forget to eat.

Tara Tyler said...

awesome intro! i was so into the character i didnt notice any problems!

and i normally dont care for vamps =)

writeidea said...

@huntress: Good point about the music and dancers. Sorry you forgot to eat. Although it is kind of cool that it hooked you enough to forget to eat.

@Tara: Eeee.

@1000th Monkey: Yep, you've probably read this almost as many times as I have.

defcon said...

I don't usually read UF (can't say I care for it), but I enjoyed this intro. Seconding the crits above.

One thing I wondered was, why is a vampire drinking their own blood? Well I suppose it's not her blood, per se, but seems, hmm, off? Like if she needs a quick blood fix, all she has to do is bite her finger, even though she technically drank that blood already -- ew! Old blood.

I guess to make an analogy of this, it's like taking a sip of coffee, spitting it out, then drinking it again.

Though, maybe there's an explanation for this.

writeidea said...

@defcon, I'm glad you enjoyed the intro even though you aren't in to UF. As for her drinking her own blood, I see it more like drinking cold coffee than spitting out your coffee and drinking it again. Kind of like a quick fix if nothing else is at hand. Could be it doesn't work, though.