The hero is about to divulge precious information as they go to a place of safety.
When they entered, Hasan’s uncle waved on the lights. Geri noted his compact office space, complete with a tidy desk and 72” compucenter screen on the wall. But past that, the room opened up to reveal an elaborate laboratory.
Hasan’s face lit up at the magnitude of his uncle’s facilities. “You have added so much, Uncle,” he said as he took in the surroundings like a special guest at Willy Wonka’s candy factory. In addition to the expected laboratory work stations with test tubes, beakers, and microscopes, wall screens hung around the room, displaying x-rays and collected data in tables, graphs and charts. Ominous looking machines lined the back wall. But the items that drew the most attention were the mounted extremities. Clear plastic-encased robotic hands, limbs and feet covered in flesh and pumping blood.
After they look around, they get down to business. So what do you think? Too much? Too little?
And I have room for one more submission - long or short. I know there is a lot going on so I appreciate your work =) Thanks!
4 comments:
Seems about right to me. I probably wouldn't make it any more detailed, unless something is going to happen in that room that requires knowing that extra detail. One thing I might suggest, though. Consider the possibility of breaking the description down into parts and spreading it out some, for example, like noticing the ominous looking machines a little later on, perhaps during a subsequent conversation (or some other action). That spreads out the description a little, letting the reader pick it up one bit at a time. It's certainly not necessary, but sometimes it smooths the story out a bit. It's a technique I've been trying to add to my writing.
thanks for your input! i can use all the help i can get =)
I agree with Chemist Ken. Just about right. If you could cut just a few of the descriptions, it would give the reader's brain a break from visualizing.
Definitely made me want to turn the page though.
Good job.
I'm guessing, but I don't think When they entered is necessary. I would also cut "But" in the sentence that starts But past that and "laboratory" in front of "work stations".
The last sentence is slightly confusing to me, but I think I got the appropriate image. I think it would read slightly more smoothly without "hands" and "feet" because when you say "limbs" most people think of hands and feet attached to those limbs.
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