A bold volunteer supplies us with nourishing words. Mmmm.
Title: The Magic Withheld
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Lead in: Sable is a mage, a female wizard (NOT a witch-grrrr love the voice!). This is the middle of the fourth chapter and continues for approximately another 250 more words, two pages of backstory.
She gritted her teeth, stifling the magic that stroked her skin with the surge of anger. Her emotions would get the best of her yet if she didn’t control herself.
Magic, the curse of her Sable’s life, and after the discovery of her small talents, it (moved below) had given her nothing but trouble since she was a teen. (insert example here? how? or why?)
The memory of her parents and their cold faces as they explained her ‘gift’ chafed the familiar sore spot in her heart. Finding out she was little more than a product of selective breeding had turned her life into a farce. Bonded, her parents had said. The leftovers from that nightmarish event never left her. (I’d like to know about that event! I assume you tell us about it later)
To humans, magic didn’t exist except in books and fables. After the discovery of her small talents, Sable … (something that shows how she feels about it.)
(Now, move on. What happens next? Why does she resist magic? Is it rebellion from her parents forcing magic on her? Continue! I want to hear more!)
(You can insert the following portion of back story info when we are introduced to the secret society.)
The secret society of wizards laughed at the fairy tales but the basics of the stories revealed the secret world of magic. The harsh politics of the Imperium functioned in similar ways to humankind, with its power struggles and cruelties. It ran in the background of human history, unknown and quiet.
The realm of magic operated and functioned without human interference, run by the strongest mage. Their goal was to gather potential wizards into the fold to keep their power base.
Sable was one of their targets.
The Imperium tagged her as a child.
I really like this story! Great verbage and voice. I’m curious what happened just prior to make her mad? As it stands, it all seems very relevant; it just needs to be broken up, especially if there is more. My purple is just suggestions. I have many questions, meaning I want to read on!
Thanks so much for letting us see! Now you all feel free to disagree or add your own input!
3 comments:
good cuts and suggestions. I've read this tale and it IS good and interesting :)
I've also read this, but can't remember what was explained before this point. This story is quite complicated. I think that's why it's hard to know where to drop the back story in. Curse us and our convoluted minds. *grins*
The idea of an example from her teen years is good. I know we will see more of that later, but this would be a natural spot.
Thanks for the support. Hope the suggestions help =) Critting helps me too!
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