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Tuesday, June 14, 2011

#4 Of Wishes Made

Title: Of Wishes Made
Genre: YA urban fantasy

He felt restless, out of sorts. It smacked of prescience and he didn’t like it. Perhaps a new body would help but this one still had its uses. In any case, the skin he wore wasn’t the cause. Today a stroll through the mall would prove a distraction, a time-killer. And since he wasn’t hungry, he’d kill time and nothing else.

The mall buzzed with activity but the people ignored the predator in their midst. Kids towed their harried parents by the hand. Teens braided through them, celebrating the end of the school year. No one took note of the twenty-something man that strolled the terrazzo floor with the crowd. Without thought, they avoided him and did not look at his face.

Idly, he sorted the humans, good and bad. Making lists, a proverbial Santa Claus. A very bad Santa.

He laughed behind his hand. Window-shopping. That’s what he was doing. Like a human.

A mob of younglings passed him with their crow-like calls. They played a game of keep-away, tossing a parcel between them.

He stopped to watch. No one bumped him.

The mall bristled with capitalism. Sunglasses, vacation brochures, and kaleidoscope colors of yellows and red shouted of the hot days to come. A legless torso wearing a neon-colored bikini stood on a mock beach.

Irony in action, he thought. Kentucky was about as far from the seashore as the moon. The smells of summer, of salt and roses, came from the hobby store with its potpourris and candles.


Charity Bradford said...

I love all the questions that pop up from the first paragraph. A new body? Chilling. Love the "bad Santa" line as well.

I'm not sure if this phrase sounds YA, "It smacked of prescience". Then there is one spot where you say, "and did not look at his face"--it might sound more natural with "didn't" but it isn't a big thing. That's really the only nitpick I have for you.

Brooke R. Busse said...

Your words and descriptions are beautiful and just right, not enough to make me bored, but just enough to draw me in.

With the sentence "It smacked of prescience..." What is 'it'? The air, the situation?

Your first paragraph is catching but slightly wordy and contradictory. You say a new body might help, but then you say it isn't the skin's fault.

And since he wasn’t hungry, he’d kill time and nothing else. I just love this!

L. said...

It's a good intro, but as a reader I'd think oh, another vampire.

Throw me a clue that I'm wrong. :)

Mark Murata said...

The first paragraph confused me, because it sounded like he was using his prescience to predict his boring time at the mall.
I like your description of the mall itself, but I don't understand why he finds it ironic to see the beach scene in Kentucky -- obviously, people buy clothes for vacations.

Charity Bradford said...

Having lived in Kentucky, I totally got the humor in the statement. Where I lived no one ever went anywhere. We lived 2 hours from Nashville, TN and I met tons of people who had never been there!

It was the longest three years of my life.

(Quick note: the people were wonderful, just not into travel.)