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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Voice #1


Title: Brake Fluid, Blood and Body Bags
Genre: Contemporary
***

So, While Triss was warming warmed up Spence and Fay, I was stuck on drunk-duty with Kate. I’d have to say, it was not wasn't (just sounds more natural) a lot of fun. The girl was ripped-out-gone, even though Fay had been shoving her full of bread, banana and bottled water. She would slowly blank out and then just kind of keel over to one side, and every time I’d catch her, I’d be rewarded with a sharp, vomit-baked laugh and a stream of gibberish. She couldn’t sit up on her own and the weight of her hot skin pressed against me was revolting, like I had disturbed a nest of insects and they were skittering up and down my arm. (I love the way you show us everything from the MCs eyes. This is great voice in these sentences too. The last two sentences are wonderful in that regard, but both are long compound complex sentences. You might want to try breaking one of them up, but maybe not.)

When she started crying a couple of times, I almost left her for the wolves right there.

And we were surrounded by them, guys, I mean. Ones bored with video games and tanked up on enough cheap beer that their morals were about as loose and clumsy as their hands. I could have left her there, but I promised Triss, so I sat guard beside Kate and let her wheeze questions and complaints into my shoulder. She asked my name eleven times and was only able to repeat it back once correctly. Most of the time she just broke out in hysterical laughter and gushed about what a nice person I was and how she had always liked me. I wish I believed her.

When Kate asked, for the twenty-third time, when we were going out for pizza, I saw Jackson speed past into the kitchen. Less than three seconds later, Triss had her hands on my shoulders.

“Okay, dump the drunk and help me get Fay upstairs.”

I looked at the eight guys sprawled over the other couches and back to Triss. “You said not to leave her.”

Triss’ eyes narrowed, just a little, as Kate sank into my chest and mumbled something about spandex, gym class, and g-strings. Triss’ tongue shot in and out, quick and purposeful. “And now I’m saying it’s time to dump her. C’mon, we have a bet to win.”

So I left Kate in a heap and didn’t look back.

Other than a few things at the beginning, there really was nothing to critique here. Your writing flows beautifully and the voice is THERE. As I mentioned above, you are also a great example of how to show the world through the MCs eyes instead of telling. Good internalization. 

Thank you for sharing!

Do the rest of you agree or disagree? Did you catch things I missed? Please chime in with a comment.  

7 comments:

Halli Gomez said...

I think you did a great job of describing a drunk girl. I loved your descriptions. Some of the sentences seemed to be a bit wordy and could be cut in to two. Overall, great!

mshatch said...

Completely agree. Excellent voice and wonderful inner dialogue.

Huntress said...

*stands hollering YES, YES, YES*

Totally, completely agree with the above. Super Duper Voice.

Definitely a page turner.

1000th.monkey said...

Run-on sentences are definitely one of the worst things about my first drafts :p

Thanks for the shed, I always love it ;) Anytime you need a disection-dummy, let me know!

Tara Tyler said...

awesome voice and very interesting story! great crit, dont have to change much at all!

Angela Brown said...

This is a great crit. I could really feel the MC's disgust with the whole situation. Very clear voice.

defcon said...

While Triss was warming up

That's actually correct as is. There's a difference between "was warming up" and "warmed up"; the former is still occurring while the latter has already occurred. They're still warming up while she's drunk-sitting.

I wish I believed her.

You're missing a 'could'. You wouldn't say, "I wish I fly" -- unless maybe you're drunk.

But other than that, I do like the voice and works well for this piece.