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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

#1 They Walk

They Walk: a young adult paranormal romantic thriller.

The narrator Maggie was in the middle of an uncomfortable moment between her brothers best friend Gabriel, when she sees her boyfriend Matt come into the room. Feeling confused but grateful for the escape, she ignores Gabriel and goes to Matt.

Excerpt:

Matt, seeing me walking towards him, smiles and his face lights up with delight. My heart flutters at the sight of it, and I can’t help but smile myself.

With a spring in my step, I lean up to him and place my lips on his. Even with the light pressure of it, I still close my eyes and sigh into him. He raises his arms, and he places them at my lower back and gently pulls me closer to him.

The pressure of his lips starts to deepen, but I place my hands on his arms and lean back with a smile. Raising my eyes I try to savior everything about him. Being taller than me, I fit perfectly in his arms and I feel safe and warm. His blue eyes are bright with intensity, and his blonde hair falls nicely around his head.

I raise my hands automatically and run them through his soft waves. He smiles at me, and pulls me in for a hug. I cling to him, and wonder not for the first time how I got such a wonderful guy. He’s far too beautiful for someone as plain as me.

7 comments:

Brooke R. Busse said...

I can sense your style and voice through your sentence structure and choice of words.

There are just a few sentences that could be tightened. 'My heart flutters at the sight of it' would read smoother without 'of it'. '...gently pulls me closer to him' would also sound smoother without 'to him'. You also use the word 'smile' twice in close enough proximity that I noticed.

Clues to their relationship make the words glow. The first sentence of paragraph three especially.

Huntress said...

Excellent last sentence. It was difficult to surface after reading your submission:) Whew.

One problem I see throughout is the use of ‘ing’ words. For instance, in the first sentence, why not ‘…Matt smiles as I walk toward him and his face lights up with delight…’ This rids the sentence of the ‘ing’ words, gives you strong verbs, simple nouns, and creates an image.

Another example is ‘Raising my eyes’. Using strong nouns, stronger verbs to begin a sentence will cause it to stand out. Places to cut: ‘for a hug’. Maybe instead, ‘pulls me close’.

Good heat though. Wow, like I said, I had to clear my head after reading it!

mshatch said...

I agree with the above comments and I'll add that savior needs to be savor and 'blond hair falls nicely' is too vague. Be specific.

This was sweet.

Kayeleen Hamblin said...

I like the feel of this. I agree with the other comments. Just a little tightening and this will really shine.

Erin L. Schneider said...

Overall, I enjoyed this submission!

There are just a few areas that could use some tightening:

The sentence describing his eye / hair color, seems a little too forced with trying to get both descriptions across to the reader (something I have a hard time with, as well). Maybe only reference the color of his eyes in this particular sentence, and delete the reference to the "blonde" color of his hair (not how his hair fell, just the color). Now, trying to fit his hair color in elsewhere, will be the trick! :)

As well, there are a few similarities that are repeated through the 4 paragraphs:
- Both characters are doing something with their arms/hands: raises his arms, place my hands on his arms, fit perfectly in his arms, and raise my hands.
- Also, raise or raising, is used a few times.
- Smiles or smiling. I'd definitely keep both in the first sentence, as they makes that sentence - but maybe the reference in the 3rd or 4th paragraphs can be changed?

Avoiding / making some simple tweaks to a couple of these similarities, will tighten this up nicely!

What I liked?

The opening paragraph. You created a great moment between the two of them right off the bat, that easily set the tone for the scene.

The actual kiss. Starts out light, then intensifies just as it should. Particularly "sigh into him". Ahhhh. Well done.

Your last sentence. Great insight into your MC - although it's evident he doesn't see her as plain. Loved it.

Great job - I'd read more for sure.

L. said...

Just because it hasn't been mentioned... "savor", not "savior".

Otherwise, what they said. :)

Charity Bradford said...

I'll just pipe in with how much I enjoyed it.

I think Erin covered all the things I noticed, including the things I liked the best.