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Wednesday, February 17, 2016

First Page Entry #1--Shrouded Goddess

It's not too late to send in your first page to be entered in the contest. The novel itself does not have to be finished. Send your entry to charity.bradford@gmail.com and include your:
Name, Title, Genre, Word count, and first page.

Entry #1

Title: Shrouded Goddess
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word count: 74000

First page:

Only Uncle Hector would hang a man then go fishing. The giant jatoba tree, where the noose is set, shades the corpse but doesn’t protect it from the heat. Winter is more merciful than our hellish summer, but only slightly. Noon is fast approaching, and the stench of emptied bowels permeates the village like early morning fog. I press an arm over my nose and quicken my pace to the bakery ahead. At least there is some advantage to being forced to wear long sleeves in warm weather.

Vultures circle the cloudless sky above the tree, but not even they dare to defy Uncle Hector. Why does Aryeea want me to get flour? I glance over my shoulder at the fortress’s four-story tower spiked on the Igjommi Hill. The fluttering white cloth, billowing like a sail in the valley breeze, can only be her skirt. My grandmother on the balcony, watching me as if I’d go anywhere other than where she sends me.

I enter the bakery and shut the door behind me. The warm scent of dough overwhelms the heat. Steps approach from an inside room, and the baker’s rosy face beams at me as he ambles through the doorway.

“Lady Sophia.” He wipes his hands on his tunic. “What do you like today?”

I’d like someone to cut down that man and bury him before he rots. But if I voice the request, the baker will feel obliged to carry out the order. No need to tempt another hanging.


Huntress said...

Holy Talking Cats, a most excellent first sentence. Most. Excellent. *G*
And it just gets better. Yes. Love this. Loads of drama, action galore. A Good ‘Un!

Summary: would definitely turn the page so fast I’d probably rip the paper.

Charity Bradford said...

This is great! I agree with Huntress that your first sentence is phenomenal. Really the only thing I can comment on is that the rest of the first paragraph confused me on the season. After reading the whole page, I'm assuming it's summer, but the line about winter being a bit more merciful put me in winter, then back to summer. I'd lose the line about winter. The rest is amazing!

I'm curious as to why the grandmother watches her the whole time, and I love Sophia's attitude tempered with restraint because she cares about people.

mshatch said...

I like how you've revised this first page.

Nissin said...

Beautiful! I love it.