A Choice Submission

Questions for our followers

Do I start new paragraphs when new thoughts occur?
Or a new Speaker?

Such as, should I start a new paragraph whenever Anoria has internal dialog with herself?

I begin internal with a new paragraph. But it depends on the context.

In this submission, I adjusted the paragraphs according to the method I would use but this is only my opinion. Any suggestions Followers?

Also. I know I do the Adverb, Sentence thing too much

Actually not too bad.

Do you need back-story?

IMHO, you did a great job inserting backstory here.

Do you need lead up? More info on the book?

I like to guess sometimes. In this case, there is definitely a futuristic element. Sci-fi thriller? Did I guess correctly?

What follows is my crit:

“You will give me that key!” His long fingers clamped down on her upper arm yanking her off balance.

Clutching the key in her fist like a claw, just like Braedon taught her, she struck out at his eye. He saw her coming and no need to explain jerked his head back. But she managed to catch caught the edge of his cheek, gouging a ragged tear from his eye to his jaw. He cried out and dropped her arm. Anoria didn’t hesitate before spinning on her heel and tearing down the dark hallway.

Most of her movements are implied. I suggest editing much of the ‘ing’ words. 

Simplify: Anoria spun on her heel and tore down the dark hallway.

Blindly, she raced through the stone building. What the hell is this place...a goddamn castle? Pushing open doors at random She flung doors open at random until a staircase appeared behind one. she finally found one leading to a staircase.  The steps lead up. She lunged through it, throwing and threw herself up the stairs. Seconds later, she heard implied his feet hit the bottom step.

Crap. Crapcrapcrap. Greatgreatgreat

She threw her body against the first door she came to and tumbled out onto a catwalk. Into a pouring rain storm.

Of fucking course. Again, super.

Above her, the thrum of the giant brass energy coil was almost deafening and her hair scalp? started to prickled despite the rain.

This is NOT a good place to be, Anoria...

Desperate, she looked for a place to hide. The catwalk was completely empty. Solid, wet, dark stone.

Choosing a direction at random she started running seconds before the stairwell door crashed open again. Suggestion: Seconds before the stairwell door crashed open, she ran into Even through the driving rain. In the blowing wind and thrumming coil she heard him power on power-on his side-arm.

She froze.

“You know you can’t outrun this. Now. Drop the key, Anoria.”

Brilliant idea.

Slowly, she turned so she was facing him. “Shep. Long time. Nice to see you.” Keep him talking, Anoria. She held out her hands in a gesture of peace. “What could you possibly want with this rusty old key for anyway?”

She spread her arms wide to either side of her body, almost touching the low wall of the catwalk.

Damn, gonna have to move closer.

“You know perfectly well why, Anoria. Now, if you please. Kindly place the key on the ground and walk away. I’d dislike having to burn a hole in your skull.”

I’m sure. Just a little further...

Anoria inched closer to the edge of the catwalk. “So, you truly believe this silly little key can end this war?” She shifted her weight to her right hip as though she were uncomfortable and simply changing position. “This key?”

His eyes narrowed.

Damn. Caught on. Not dumb, this one. Fine. All in!

With a leap, she heaved herself at the low wall and held her arm over the edge. “THIS key? You’ll have to jump pretty far for this one, Shep.”

His eyes widened. He growled deep in his throat, grasping with his hand,I don’t understand this action. Was he reaching out instinctively with an empty hand? but it was already too late. The wind buffeted her as she held her thin body far out over the edge of the stone catwalk and forced her hand open. She had a solid four seconds of silent, slow contemplation, watching the key tumble down through the darkness. Then, a bright searing pain picked her up and threw her ten feet. Landing her against the wall, knocking her almost unconscious.Lots of ‘ing’ words here. Suggestion: Then a bright searing pain picked her up and threw her ten feet into a wall. When she was able to breathe again, she was looking stared up into the cold, grey eyes of The Shepherd. First Gatherer of the Orion’s.

Nope. Definitely Not a good place to be, Anoria.

Oh. Wow. Very cool. I stopped critiquing to read to the end. Now, dang it, it IS the end. I want more.

You’ve given me sounds and sights. Can you find a place for a smell? A moldy hallway. The hospital smell of antiseptic. An office building smells like paper and toner. An abandoned building that smells like mildew. If you give the reader a smell, they will make the connection to what kind of place this is. Don’t say, ‘smells like a hospital’. Instead, mention ‘the iodine smell bit her nose’. If you give context, it will bond with the reader and draw them into your story.

The original, uncritiqued submission:

“You will give me that key!” His long fingers clamped down on her upper arm yanking her off balance. Clutching the key in her fist like a claw, just like Braedon taught her, she struck out at his eye. He saw her coming and jerked his head back. But she managed to catch the edge of his cheek, gouging a ragged tear from his eye to his jaw. He cried out and dropped her arm. Anoria didn’t hesitate before spinning on her heel and tearing down the dark hallway.

Blindly, she raced through the stone building. What the hell is this place...a goddamn castle? Pushing open doors at random she finally found one leading to a staircase. She lunged through it, throwing herself up the stairs. Seconds later, she heard his feet hit the bottom step. Crap. Crapcrapcrap. She threw her body against the first door she came to and tumbled out onto a catwalk. Into a pouring rain storm. Of fucking course. Above her, the thrum of the giant brass energy coil was almost deafening and her hair started to prickle, despite the rain. This is Not a good place to be, Anoria... Desperate, she looked for a place to hide. The catwalk was completely empty. Solid, wet, dark stone.

Choosing a direction at random she started running seconds before the stairwell door crashed open again. Even through the driving rain, blowing wind, and thrumming coil she heard him power on his side-arm. She froze.

“You know you can’t outrun this. Now. Drop the key, Anoria.”

Brilliant idea. Slowly, she turned so she was facing him. “Shep. Long time. Nice to see you.” Keep him talking, Anoria. She held out her hands in a gesture of peace. “What could you possibly want this rusty old key for anyway?” She spread her arms wide to either side of her body, almost touching the low wall of the catwalk. Damn, gonna have to move closer.

“You know perfectly well why, Anoria. Now, if you please. Kindly place the key on the ground and walk away. I’d dislike having to burn a hole in your skull.”

I’m sure. Just a little further... Anoria inched closer to the edge of the catwalk. “So, you truly believe this silly little key can end this war?” She shifted her weight to her right hip as though she were uncomfortable and simply changing position. “This key?”

His eyes narrowed. Damn. Caught on. Not dumb, this one. Fine. All in! With a leap, she heaved herself at the low wall and held her arm over the edge. “THIS key? You’ll have to jump pretty far for this one, Shep.”

His eyes widened. He growled deep in his throat, grasping with his hand, but it was already too late. The wind buffeted her as she held her thin body far out over the edge of the stone catwalk and forced her hand open. She had a solid four seconds of silent, slow contemplation, watching the key tumble down through the darkness. Then, a bright searing pain picked her up and threw her ten feet. Landing her against the wall, knocking her almost unconscious. When she was able to breathe again, she was looking up into the cold, grey eyes of The Shepherd. First Gatherer of the Orion’s. Nope. Definitely Not a good place to be, Anoria.