#2 Dialogue Thinking of You

This in-depth critique is in two sections. The first is the original, critiqued in the usual fashion. The second section is how I would edit the dialogue.
**
Part I
Title: Thinking of You
Genre: NA Light Sci-Fi

“Carson, say hi to Relic.” New paragraph. He made a slight gurgling sound that made me smile. “I guess Carson has been thinking of you too.”

            “What about you?” His voice seemed kind of soft. Think of it this way, his voice is either soft or it isn’t. Make up your mind:)I had a feeling we weren’t discussing just the code word anymore and I was scared of that. It’s understandable, don’t you think so?

            I swallowed, my next words had to be chosen carefully, something I wasn’t so good at. Words for others to use were lots easier. “Of course, I have. You’re helping me complete my mission, remember?” [You’re telling someone to remember? Wow, it must be bad.] I ground my teeth and forced myself not to punch myself in the face

            It was quiet on the other end, I probably hadn’t said what he wanted me too but at the same time I hadn’t hurt his feelings or given away any of mine. Not that I had any, did I? I cleared my throat awkwardly, “Is everything ready, do you think?”

Lots of internal conversation will slow the story.  Use internal sparingly.

            “Yeah, I applied for the time off, said it was for family. I should be there sometime tonight,” I could tell by his tone that he was trying to be cheerful, though he wasn’t really succeeding at it.

Dialogue needs less explaining.

            “Okay, I’ll be ready.” I sat back down on the cushioned window seat. If I ever settled down with a house of my own, I was definitely getting one of these. “It’s strange. It’s raining outside but the sun is shining.”

            I heard a little chuckle, “You know what Wayne says about that?”

            I smiled setting the phone between my ear and shoulder to mess with Carson’s hands. He laughed as I made them zoom and fly all over the place like tiny airplanes, “What?”

            His voice became deeper and slower as if he was trying to imitate the older man, “I like to think that somewhere a government bastard is crying while the rest of us laugh, smile, and are merry.”

            I sat up straight, almost dumping Carson on the floor, I quickly stood back up, rocking him gently, whispering sorrys. He whimpered a little bit, giving me a betrayed look. “What did you say?”

            “I said, I like to-”

            I interrupted, “No, I got that part. Hey, I have to go. Something important just came up.”

            I hung up the phone, not waiting for a good-bye and rushed to find Jamie in her bedroom.

***

Part II

Title: Thinking of You

Genre: NA Light Sci-Fi

“Carson, say hi to Relic.”

He made a gurgling sound that made me smile.

“I guess Carson has been thinking of you too.”

            “What about you?” His soft voice caught me by surprise. We weren’t discussing the code word any more.

            I swallowed and chose my next words carefully, something I wasn’t good at doing. Picking words for others to use were lots easier.

“Of course, I have. You’re helping me complete my mission, remember?” I ground my teeth. Later maybe I’d punch myself in the face for the stupid comment.

            It was quiet on the other end. I cleared my throat awkwardly. “Is everything ready, do you think?” I asked.

            “Yeah, I applied for the time off, said it was for family. I should be there sometime tonight.”

            “Okay, I’ll be ready.” I sat back down on the cushioned window seat. “That’s strange. It’s raining outside but the sun is shining.”

            I heard a little chuckle. “You know what Wayne says about that?”

            “What?”

            “I like to think,” he said in a deeper mature voice, “that somewhere a government bastard is crying while the rest of us laugh, smile, and are merry.”

            I sat up straight, almost dumping Carson on the floor. He whimpered a bit and gave me a betrayed look.

“What did you say?” I asked.

            “I said, I like to --”

            I interrupted. “No, I got that part. Hey, I have to go. Something important just came up.”

            I hung up the phone, not waiting for a good-bye and rushed to find Jamie in her bedroom.