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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Expressing Emotion #2

Another unassuming victim, brave customer! My purple is just suggestions, the author knows best!

Title: Wishes
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy
Emotions: impertinence? and annoyance
(ooo, it’s the first page!)

His lazy strides across the mall caught my attention. Like he had time to kill and everyone else could wait. People moved out of his way like water from the prow of a ship and with as much disruption. No glares. No commotion. (2 likes in first paragraph? I like them, but not together. And after reading further, the second one doesn’t really fit)

He appeared to be about my age, early twenties, with black hair that curled just below the collar of his white shirt, height under six feet. With the body of a dancer, slender waist, and broad shoulders, his physique should have been drawing stares. But glances slid off, went around him like light bending around the source.  (flat description, is she attracted? and another simile, I’d rather know what she thinks of him. it seems like everyone is ignoring him. if she sees arrogance, she should see people diverting their eyes from his brilliance or his glances slide off them)

“Will you look at that,” I said to Olive my one-time guardian.

She turned from matching towels to scowl at me and flipped her honey-blonde hair over her shoulder. Slender, taller than me, Olive looked younger than forty-two. She had the look of a model(,) but a fluff head she was not.  She threw a hard look at me now and shot a quick glance around us. (I can definitely tell Olive is annoyed)

Olive has experience with my intricacies, a form of self-preservation for her. (??? show later?)

“What?” she said, her voice low.

I gestured. “That guy. The one walking like he thinks no one will touch him. He’s the picture of arrogance, isn’t he?” (so he is ignoring the crowds, but it sounds like they are ignoring him, walking around him like a pole in their way – I like similes, too =)

Olive’s shapely brow gathered as she focused on the area where the black-haired man paced unimpeded. He moved like a king among his subjects. (better, now that I know how the MC is perceiving him) Her focus shifted and came back to me.


I gaped at her. “Him. That man strutting across the mall.”

I pointed and her gaze followed the line I made. Her focus sharpened but an instant later came back to me.

“I don’t see what you’re dithering about.” Olive shrugged. “You have the weirdest notions.” Tension bled from her. (unnecessary, you've shown it well) She went back to sorting through towels.

Great mall scene! I would love to hear more about the MC! I can see Olive's annoyance and tension. And the MC is interested in mystery man, but don't know whether positive or negative. Arrogance is a big attractor! And I get that she is shocked that Olive doesn't see it. So lots of emotions shown in this section - good job!

What do you think? Your comments help all of us =)


mshatch said...

I agree Tara's comments. I'd also add that you have two 'looks' here: "Olive looked younger than forty-two. She had the look of a model..."

I also like the way you've changed this beginning - a lot. You've shown me something I didn't see the first time I read it.

mshatch said...

I agree WITH Tara's comments.