submission #2 is a scifi thriller whose query you might remember. My comments are in purple...
Tuesday, July 23, 2080.
In a matter of seconds, Representative Dawson popped out of Detroit Metro Transport and arrived at a first class platform in the Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson International Transport Center (ATC). Dawson
The Representative was no stranger to pop travel. (Just a suggestion) As a politician he had to use it to keep up with the competition and be able to go anywhere in a moment’s notice. Like his brother, (insert name here, maybe?) he preferred to use traditional modes of travel. He kept the popping to a minimum and rode around town in his compact limo as often as he could to promote his Smart Car Revolution.
Cooper’s little brother, Richard Dawson Cooper, led a charmed life. (I'm confused. Who is Cooper? Is this the Dawson guy in the first paragraph or his little brother? If there are two brothers with the same last name in this story I'd try to distinguish them by using their first names only after their initial introduction. Of course, you may have made this crystal clear before this page...) His innovative idea of limiting city travel to Smart Cars and public transit flew through legislation, given his connections. Millions of jobs were created. Dried up oil companies converted gas stations into fast-charging stations. It was an historic accomplishment launching Dawson’s political career.
As a liaison between city officials and the automotive leaders, Dawson had come to Atlanta to assist Mayor Athawan with his current fleet of Smart Cars. He and his two man entourage proceeded through recovery at the transport center and went downstairs to find their private car as their luggage, being inanimate, had been popped directly to the hotel.
Aside from my confusion as to which brother we're with I find this interesting and well-written. There's nothing terribly exciting going on but the author may well have ended the first chapter on an exciting note which is going to make me very curious about what happens next. Plus I remember the query and know I'd probably like this :)
Ok peeps, now it's your turn to offer the author your comments and suggestions.