An unselfish wish made on the horn of a unicorn will come true. Our wish? To support the writing community by giving constructive tips and criticism through submissions. Check out the submissions tab for more information. We can survive the crucible of fire together.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

First Page Entry #2--The Other End of the Sky

It's not too late to send in your first page to be entered in the contest. The novel itself does not have to be finished. Send your entry to charity.bradford@gmail.com and include your:
Name, Title, Genre, Word count, and first page.


Entry #2

Title: The Other End of the Sky
Genre: Science Fiction
Word count: WIP, aiming for 80K

First Page:

Whoever thinks coming out of the womb after nine months is traumatic has never been revived after traveling through space in a hibernation capsule.

The rush of air burned as it filled my lungs, while the rest of me froze as if I’d fallen into a snow bank. A scream broke free and reverberated around me, my body convulsing repeatedly against a cold, hard surface.

Smooth straps tightened around my chest and thrashing legs, and I wallowed in the security of their confinement. My gasps subsided into the monotony of normal breathing as my back warmed the smooth surface underneath. The incessant beeping of a machine I wished I could unplug permeated the darkness, and an unnerving grinding and screeching shifted around me as if we were playing Marco Polo.

A warm blanket engulfed me when the straps released my stilled body. The plush fabric dried the sweat off my skin, and I curled into its comforting embrace. Licking my lips did nothing to quench my parched mouth. Like a newborn, I craved the silky texture of the milk I gave up drinking midway through childhood. But most of all, I craved the comfort suckling could bring. Laila, this world better be worth the pain.

I laid in the dark, my thoughts stretching like cramped muscles. The now foggy to-do lists Laila and I had spent months discussing could wait. Until I saw this new world with my own eyes, I wouldn’t believe I wasn’t on Earth.

2 comments:

Huntress said...

Excellent reference to the game, Marco Polo. It absolutely nailed the scene to my brain, creating a mental picture.

I like this...most of it...and would go on. But a major turnoff kicked me out of the story. “...Like a newborn, I craved the silky texture of the milk...”

Totally subjective, personal opinion and all that but I kinda went Yuk. :(

I’d tippy-toe on to the next page and hope there wasn’t any more *gulp* stuff like that.

Charity Bradford said...

This is my kind of story! Great starting place too. We are immediately thrown into an unknown world and there are wonderful descriptions that help me settle in as the character settles in. He/she doesn't know much other than what they can feel and hear. I am wondering why it's too dark for them to see the people around them. Are their eyes just not open yet?

I thought the suckling comment odd. How old is this person? Maybe it's because I'm getting old, but I haven't thought of nursing (either myself or my own kids) as comforting in a very long time. I didn't think it was meant in a sexual way, maybe it was? Not sure, but I did pause there.

I'm curious as to who Laila is and if she's there too. Where have they gone and why? What was earth like in order for them to leave it and go through all of this? These questions would keep me reading.