Title: Black Rose
Genre: Urban Fantasy
Inside the crowded club, the smell of humans hung heavy in the air. Behind the counter, I stood with my back to the customers waiting for service, bit my finger and held it over my coffee cup.(My only thought here is that you have two sentences in a row that start with a prepositional phrase. You may want to switch one of them.) Three round red drops of blood plopped into the dark liquid below. I licked my finger, sealing over the two puncture marks and turned around to watch the room. As I sipped the coffee, the scalding liquid hit my stomach with the force of a cyclone. The infusion of blood would make sure it stayed there. (So far I love everything.)
People swung (? maybe swayed would be better?) and gyrated on the dance floor to the hypnotic sound of salsa music. Sweaty and panting, they came and stood at the counter demanding water, beer, munchies and just a bit too much attention. Their scent permeated everything. My clothes, my hair, even the gleaming mahogany of the bar. The monster inside me threatened to uncurl, wanting to luxuriate in the smell. Inhaling deeply from my coffee, I shut my eyes, concentrating on the slightly acrid odor. You don’t feed from humans, I told myself, the ever-deriding voice inside my head stern and edged with anger. (I love all of this) The voice—sounding way to much like my master—taunted me, telling me I was a fool to think I could run a club catering to humans.
When I opened my eyes, Nikolai reclined on a bar stool across from me—a trick only he could pull off and make it look comfortable. His black hair, slicked away from his face, brushed the upright edges on the collar of his floor-length leather coat. He couldn’t look more like something out of a B-grade horror movie if he tried. Sometimes I thought he dressed like that for the reaction he got from people. He smirked at me, only reinforcing my supposition.
I loved this submission. There are so many things I want to know. The hook for me was here: "I was a fool to think I could run a club catering to humans." I love stories where the MC has to battle with their inner demons.