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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dialogue Submission #1

Ok, I tried to focus just on the dialogue, but noted a few other spots because I couldn't help it. My comments or suggestions for wording is in blue. Please chime in with your thoughts on the piece in general and specifically on how the conversation flows for you.

Dystopian Paranormal Romance

“What is it, everything alright?” (I think it should be written: What is it? Everything alright?--note about alright, traditionally that is a misspelling of "all right", but "alright" is gaining more acceptance in British English and so who really knows anymore. Source) He asks her softly with wide puppy dog eyes (this is a cliche--just drop puppy dog and it will be fine).

Ignoring the way her fingers go numb just by touching the bare skin of his forearm, she simply shakes her head as she releases him.

“You know that I don’t really hate you right? I mean after everything...I just, I just couldn’t.”

Her voice is so soft, and she hopes she really did speak out loud, because she doesn’t know if she could say it again. Having to glance away from his swirling lavender eyes, Moira lowers her head in guilt. What shocks not only her mind, but also her senses, is when he lightly touches her chin and lifts her head up so their eyes meet. (Something about the current order of this last sentence is confusing for me. I think you could reword this as well--He lightly touches her chin and lifts her head up so their eyes meet, sending a shock through her mind and senses. Or something.)

“I know, but thank you for saying it.” He tells her no louder than a whisper.

As her skin breaks out in goosebumps from his gentle touch, her persona make(s) her body hum a tune that she knows he can hear. The cinnamon scent of him wraps around her like a long missed friend, and she has the urge to burst into tears. She doesn’t understand how she can miss someone so much, when they are standing a breath away from you (her, not you), but she does. But then he is dropping (drops) his hand, and takes all that feeling away again when he starts for the door once more.

“And Liam? You shouldn’t hate yourself either. Things have been out of our control since the day we met.” She calls out softly, before his hand reaches for the door handle.

Even though his back is to her, she can see the way his shoulders tense at her words. She can feel his persona vibrating off of him, and its tendrils stretch out to her and tickle her own persona. If it wasn’t so gentle, she knows her persona would have rushed through her with a vengeance; but it is and it doesn’t. How he can make her so worked up and then calm her down like this (work her up and calm her down), she’ll never know. Maybe she could, but she doesn’t have the courage to bring it up to him. (This last sentence doesn't make any sense to me.)

“Your right, Mo, and I think now is the perfect time to take some of that control back.” He tells her so softly, but she can see the effects of his words as the muscles play (play what?) across his back.

“I think so too.”

General Comments:
If I take out all the exposition between the dialogue, I think it sounds natural enough. There is a lot that I don't understand, but I'm assuming that's because I haven't read what came before.

I think you could tighten all the information between the dialogue. Right now it is moving slower than I think you want simply because as a reader I have to stop and read all the body language and inner thoughts. You want to keep some of it, but not so much that I forget what they are talking about because I'm trying to see the stage directions. 

This was also hard for me because of the present tense. I'm just not used to reading it, so all my comments might be useless. On the whole though, it flows pretty good.

3 comments:

Huntress said...

Ditto what Charity said. There wasn't much dialogue to crit.

Watch the use of pronouns. Too many gum up the storyline. Watch your reliance on ‘as’ and ‘ing’ at the beginning of sentences. Their use weakens your sentence structure and can lead to physical impossibilities.

Try for simple nouns, simple verbs to clarify sentences. Example: She ignores her fingers numb from touching him and shakes her head.

Brooke R. Busse said...

I'm going to point this out simply because it's a peeve. "Your right, Mo..." should be "You're right, Mo..." :)

I read the whole thing, but the only comment I have on the dialogue itself is in the piece I mentioned above. The second part of the sentence is just a little too wordy and it reads slightly awkward. I would suggest cutting 'some of'.

S.E. Gaime (aka defcon) said...

"Alright" isn't a word, I don't care what the Brits say. You don't say alwrong, do you?

I agree, kill the exposition, it slows down your dialogue. Dialogue should be snappy back and forth. Also, the words should convey tone and meaning, thus you shouldn't need the descriptor tags.