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Tuesday, June 14, 2011

#2 Thinking of You

Title: Thinking of You
Genre: Paranormal

The Enclosure stood solitary and alone. Waving grass went on forever, only broken by the long road connecting the Enclosure to the rest of the world. It was an almost peaceful scene but it left a nasty taste in my mouth. It was going to be extremely difficult to move across without being spotted. And they knew it. Not that I was worried about the sentries placed around the building; they were easy enough to fool. I grinned over at the watchmen closest to us. They smiled back from their Jeep. No, it was the sensors and cameras that I was worried about.

My gaze drifted back toward the Enclosure. There had to be a way to get inside. I glanced back at the Jeep. [I wonder if…] “Look,” Tass’s voice broke through my concentration.

My eyes followed her pointing finger. A delivery truck was coming down the road. About the size of a semi,and probably packed with food. The idiots running this place didn’t have the sense to grow their own food. [Or cover their tracks. I wonder if anyone else has ever found them by tracking their food shipments.]

Ground flying under my feet, I started to run. My body reacted instantly, knowing the plan before I did. That truck was our way in. I needed on it. It was as simple as that.

My legs stretched; the muscles pulling taunt. It felt wonderful after squatting in the grass for so long, trying to stay hidden.

5 comments:

Charity Bradford said...

Ooo, what's in the Enclosure and why does the MC want in so badly? I love when I have questions like this on the first page.

Your first paragraph sets the scene nicely and gives us a look at the conflict. My only concern is you have the MC smile at the men in the jeep and then in the last paragraph you reference trying to stay hidden. The two seem contradictory. Are they together?

My other question is why the use of brackets? It that to set off internal thought? I think you can just italicize that--I do anyway. :)

All in all a great start!

L. said...

...calling your opponents idiots right off the bat? Either you're right and they aren't going to be interesting, or you're wrong and you're arrogant. Lose-lose situation from my POV as a reader.

I was a little thrown by how the Enclosure was introduced, thought you meant it was a meadow but that quickly didn't make sense.

Was also kinda thrown by the complete lack of sneaking on our MC's part. That ties back into the lose-lose situation. S/he isn't taking this seriously? If this isn't a challenge, why should I worry whether s/he succeeds?

Just some thoughts.

Huntress said...

Good descriptions here and tension builds as the story progresses. There are some grammar and stylistic problems but it is fixable.

Example: In the first sentence, the words ‘solitary’ and ‘alone’ describe the same thing. This is echoing. Say it once then let the reader’s mind go onto the next image.

IMHO, there are scenes that appear backwards. For instance, in the fourth paragraph, would it work better as “My body reacted instantly, knowing the plan before I did. I ran. The ground flew beneath my feet.”

There is voice here and the beginning of a story, a hint of things to come without an information dump. Intermingling short sentences with the complex, would help convey drama. I would read on.

Mark Murata said...

This may sound cruel, but you could cut the entire first paragraph. If you adjust the following paragraphs, they make a fine starting.
It's gutsy to begin a sentence with "Ground flying under my feet," but you pull it off. Perhaps the next sentence could begin with "My body knew the plan," to adjust.

Tara Tyler said...

it's an intriguing beginning all right.

you could strengthen the first paragraph by replacing some "was"s with better verbs and moving one of the bolder sentences to the front, like "the deceptively peaceful scene left a nasty taste in my mouth" then describe the scene from the grass to the road to the daunting Enclosure.

just my 2 cents, i'd love to know what's inside!