Query Critique - Sunrise

Original format:
As you are looking to add to your inventory for Castle Gate Press, I believe I have a novel that may interest you, especially in light of your strong interest in YA. Set in the small Texas town of Briar Ridge, Sunrise combines family drama with paranormal romance and supernatural suspense similar to Becca Fitzpatrick and Erin Healy, and is complete at approximately 83,000 words. It is the first book of a planned trilogy.

When your world goes dark, can you wait until sunrise or will you give in to the darkness?

For eighteen-year old Parker, a protective big brother who dreams of glory on the high school football field, his entire world went dark the night of the shooting. In a chilling span of sixty seconds, his life and that of his family are changed forever.

Although hailed a hero in the immediate aftermath, Parker makes a shocking discovery that his actions from the past provided a motive for the killings. Overcome with guilt, he begins to spiral downward, drifting further and further from the life he once knew. But when revenge is sought and Parker's life and soul are in danger, help comes from an unexpected source … an angel named Marie.

A spunky, impulsive guardian, Marie has dedicated herself to saving Parker at all costs. When confronted by a sinister nemesis, she finds herself caught in a desperate struggle over Parker’s fate while facing her growing, but secret affections for him that she can no longer ignore. But when she takes matters into her own hands, will it cause more harm than good? Can she help Parker find redemption and forgiveness or will she lose him to the darkness forever?

Receiving third place in the YA/Speculative category of the 2013 Writers of the Storm Category 5 writing contest, Sunrise is my debut YA novel.

By way of background, I was raised a PK (preacher’s kid) and played high school football in a small town in Texas. I’m a former high school football coach, law school graduate, and current State government employee. I’m also a member of American Christian Fiction Writers. I currently reside in the suburbs of Austin, Texas with my wife and two young, precocious daughters - who enthusiastically assist my search for the perfect combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

Per your submission guidelines, a brief synopsis and the first ten pages are included below.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kindest regards,

My Critique:

As you are looking to add to your inventory for Castle Gate Press, I believe I have a novel that may interest you, especially in light of your strong interest in YA. 

As a first sentence, a 32-wordcount is way long.

Suggestion: In light of your interest in YA, I believe my novel will add to your list at Castle Gate Press. (20 words)

Set in the small Texas town of BriarRidge, Sunrise combines family drama with paranormal romance and supernatural suspense similar to Becca Fitzpatrick and Erin Healy, and is complete at approximately 83,000 words.

Ditto my earlier comment. 33 word count = too long

It is the first book of a planned trilogy.

Some agents/editors want this info. Some don’t. If research shows the agent is interested in this tidbit, put it in. Otherwise, don’t add to the query.

When your world goes dark, can you wait until sunrise or will you give in to the darkness?

A little bit vague. I get no picture in my mind about this sentence. Also, careful with the questions. I don’t have a problem with it, but some agents roll their eyes and hit delete if they see a question.

For eighteen-year old Parker, a protective big brother ‘big brother’ is all I need to know who with dreams of glory on the high school football field, his entire world went dark the night of the shooting.

Suggestion: Eighteen-year-old Parker, big brother and [another attribute here] dreams of glory on the high school football field. But on the night of the shooting, his world turns dark.

In a chilling span of sixty seconds, his life and that of his family are changed forever.

Spell out what you mean in the last sentence. Don’t make the reader guess. Suggestion: In the span of sixty seconds, death changes his life and his family’s into a wasteland of emotions [or another attribute].

Although hailed a hero an alliteration. Try: “...called a hero...” in the immediate why immediate? Does his status change later on? aftermath, Parker makes a shocking discovery that his actions from the past provided a motive for the killings.

To avoid the guessing game and cut clichés, my suggestion: “...After friends and family calls him a hero, Parker is horror struck when he discovers his actions played a part in the killings...”

Overcome with guilt, he begins to spiral downward, drifting further and further from the life he once knew.

This needs specificity.  Try not to fall into clichés. Suggestion: Grief causes him to turn away from friends and family. When they intervene, he pushes them away and contemplates suicide. [I am only guessing here. Be sure to provide your own consequence]

But when revenge is sought and Parker's life and soul are in danger, help comes from an unexpected source … an angel named Marie.

Now, here is excellent information, the meat of the story. Love it. My advice, try for a different sentence structure here: “...But when revenge is sought and Parker’s life and soul are in danger...”

The last half, for the love of Pete, KEEP. Excellent.

A spunky, impulsive guardian, Marie has dedicated herself to saving Parker at all costs. When confronted by a sinister nemesis, she finds herself caught in a desperate struggle over Parker’s fate while facing her growing, but secret affections for him that she can no longer ignore.

Dang but you do love these long sentences. Cut. Specify.

But when she takes matters into her own hands, will it cause more harm than good? Can she help Parker find redemption and forgiveness or will she lose him to the darkness forever?

A little vague. And again, careful with the questions. Remember, for every person who might be intrigued, there is another who answers the question flippantly.

Receiving third place in the YA/Speculative category of the 2013 Writers of the Storm Category 5 writing contest, Sunrise is my debut YA novel.

Super info but regarding "...my debut YA novel...", unless you have another book out that isn't a YA and you want the agent to know this is a different genre, do not, DO NOT say this is your debut novel. EvEr.

By way of background, I was raised a PK (preacher’s kid) and played high school football in a small town in Texas. I’m a former high school football coach, law school graduate, and current State government employee. I’m also a member of American Christian Fiction Writers. I currently reside in the suburbs of Austin, Texas with my wife and two young, precocious daughters - who enthusiastically assist my search for the perfect combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

If research shows an agent/editor likes a bio such as this, include it. Just do the research first. Some might skip this as unnecessary to the novel, especially when it is fiction. Non-fiction is a totally different kinda pie. It needs a platform. 

Love the chocolate/ peanut butter reference, btw.

Per your submission guidelines, a brief synopsis and the first ten pages are included below.

Good, good. Always let the agent/editor know that you read the submission guidelines. And what you have included in the query.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

A good 'Thank you'.

Kindest regards,

Summary: Careful with tense. The meat of a query should be present.

Ditch as many adjectives/adverbs as possible, if not all.

Use care when invoking questions. Some use that occasion to give smart alec answers.

A little long for a query. The meat of the query is 209 words, not too bad. But if the rest is included, the wordcount is 415.

Use short sentences interspersed with long ones. It is like the structure in a poem or a limerick. It gives symmetry. Don't worry about incomplete sentences, btw. "It just doesn't matter." - Bill Murray, Meatballs.

Conclusion: I would read on. Especially if given more information. Love the angel. 

Introductions, Queries, and Catastrophic Computer Failure

At Unicorn Bell, we strive to keep the info fresh and the crits plentiful. To that end, we have new names and faces to liven the discussion up a bit. Check out the sidebar and welcome the newest on UB's team.

*cue the confetti*

• Beth Fred
• Kristin Smith
• Misha Gericke
• Matthew Keith

Query and Loglines. This is your week to get a query or logline critique. Send it soon and I’ll post it.

Data Loss and Reluctant Computers. Imagine losing every financial record for the last twenty-five years. And even worse, every word you’ve written in the last five. Scary, huh.

When my computer crashed (rolled over, feet up in the air), I was happy for all the redundant backups I had. It was quite the heart-pounder for a while. Now that all my records are found and working, I still see little hiccups in the programming. Little annoyances like browsers fighting it out, firewalls sniffing when I tell them to shape up, and security systems pretending they don’t know me.

Advice: Backup, backup, backup. I discovered that I had an extra backup system that I’d forgotten about. It was working all the time in the background and I didn’t know it. *sigh*

Keep an external drive in addition to an online service for your backups. Don’t think your computer is safe from weird
stuff. I don’t know if it had anything to do with it, but when I opened the panel, I found a dead june bug in the innards.

A little disconcerting to be sure.

Looking for queries to crit. Send, Send.

Reminder: long crits starting the 10th!

If you're looking for a crit on a full scene or two (up to 1500 words) of your story, I will be hosting next week. You can submit those at any time, of course, but right now my hopper is empty!

Send to unicornbellsubmissions at gmail dot com, include the WIP title, genre, and any background info we need going into the scene. Any genre or heat/violence level is welcome.

Jaunt in Jasper

Our last first page comes from Kristen Smith - Thank-you! - a contemporary romance tentatively called, JAUNT IN JASPER. My comments will be in purple and I hope you'll add yours :)

 Tara Stevens’ honey beige L’Oreal Paris foundation couldn’t hide the paleness (this suggests an omniscient narrator. If you are going for close third person, I wouldn't include details like this as people don't notice how pale they are unless they look in a mirror) that swept over her face when she realized the terminal to her plane was a staircase leading down to the tarmac. Thirty feet away was the smallest plane she had ever seen with two classic propellers on either wing screaming antique. Wasn’t there an advanced twenty-first century reason why every other plane she’d ever been on had jet engines? 
    As she climbed up the pull-down staircase and peered through the plane’s door, her jaw dropped. This plane was too small. Much too small. The tiny interior only large enough to house one row of seats, then an aisle, then two more rows of seats. Amazingly enough, she had an aisle AND a window seat. Which did not give her a good feeling.
    She hated to fly. As a local Richmond lawyer, she rarely flew for work, but each time she did, she hated it. She despised everything about it--taxiing down the runway, small talk with strangers, cramped quarters, nasty airline food she actually had to pay to eat.
     Then there was the one thing she hated the most about flying. The thing that set her nerves on edge and wrapped fear around her heart. Landing. Landing was the worst. She always pictured the plane spinning out of control as the wheels hit the tarmac. It’s giant belly sliding along the concrete until it burst into flames. It didn’t help her already delicate state when the brakes made a thunderous noise like the plane was about to explode at any second. No, that didn’t help her nerves at all.
    She sucked in air as she tried to calm those nerves. The pilot’s voice came on over the loudspeaker announcing their departure. Tara pictured him and his buddy hanging out in the front of the plane, sipping a latte, perfectly at ease, while she was about to have a coronary in the middle of the two-prop plane. She glanced out the window. Just her luck to be seated right beside the left propeller. As the blades started to move, picking up speed and slicing through the air, Tara’s hands gripped her arm rests until her knuckles turned white. (Here's another spot where you need to be clear about your pov. Do you want to say, Tara's hands gripped or Tara gripped? Do you see the difference?) She pictured tiny sparks flying off the propellers once they were four thousand feet in the sky. Why, oh why, did she have to get the seat next to the turbines?
    She thought back to the reason she was in this mess in the first place. Her husband Jack. Oh, he was a jack alright. A jack-off, jerk face, no good, good for nothin’, piece of shi-ite. There weren’t enough vile adjectives in the thesaurus to describe what he was. Detestable, abhorrent, disgusting, dishonorable, abominable, loathsome--those were a few that immediately came to mind. But the best one. Philandering snake.

My first question is, is Tara's fear of flying important? If so then this is all fine - although I might cut it shorter -  but if not then I'd just briefly show she doesn't like flying and move on to what's really happening, like where is she going? What sort of mess is she in? How did she get there? That's what I want to know. I don't care that she hates flying (unless there's going to be a plane crash...) but I do want to know what Tara's situation is and how she got there. What else is she feeling beneath the fear of flying? 

Those are my thoughts about this first page and I hope you' chime in with yours :)

Fade Into Me

Submission Number 2. comes from our own Charity Bradford. Here's the first page of her YA Contemporary Scifi, FADE INTO ME.

Kieran

The barrier that separated my world from the human reality was a fascinating bit of technology that I often took for granted. Appreciation flickered briefly as I touched the side of the archway to activate the portal. The runes’ familiar texture moved under my fingers before the fabric of space and time split and fluctuated within the confines of the door. All I had to do was set the destination. The coordinates floated behind my closed eyelids as my mind linked into the system. One step, a tugging sensation, and I stepped into Ireas. I wonder if a small explanation would be appropriate here, for example: "...I stepped into Ireas, the place of my birth/homeworld/whathaveyou." Does that make sense? That way you're making it crystal clear that Kieran is from somewhere else. Just my opinion though...

Strands of magic swirled around me revealing more vibrant colors and smells than on the human side of the barrier. The foyer and grand staircase were empty, the halls quiet. Even this week, the second busiest the palace staff would have this year, my world exuded peace. If only we could push this calmness into the human’s world.

I followed the corridor lined with tapestries and portraits of my ancestors to a set of double doors leading outside. The colors of the garden danced in the sunlight—shades of red, white, yellow and green jumped from plant to plant, mingling, changing. They wrapped themselves around the sound of buzzing insects and the humming of bird wings. This is what I missed the most when living among the humans—this symbiosis of sight and sound. The collective magical ignorance of the human race compelled the colors to remain motionless. Here they played like joyful children. I think you could combine this paragraph with the one preceding it. When you mention "strands of magic" I want to see it and the second paragraph offers this. 

Mother straightened from her spot by a rose bush bursting with flowers. Their soft peach coloring swirled around her arms in a gentle caress as she placed the cuttings in a basket. 

"Kieran? What’s wrong?" At almost four hundred years old,(do we need to know this now? Is it important? or mightn't it have greater impact later? Just asking...)  Mother's dark hair had started to streak with gray, but her skin remained flawless like her rose petals.

"I need more time."

“Sweetheart, you know that’s not possible.” She reached out for my hand. “Enjoy your sister’s wedding. Afterward we can decide who you should choose for your bride.”

 “What’s a few more months, or years for that matter? Can’t you ask them to give me more time?” For most of my kind, (hmm, and just what is his kind?)  the one hundred and twenty-fifth birthday wasn't a big deal, but for me, Prince of the Reparation, it signified the beginning, or the end. I wasn’t sure which yet.

She squeezed my fingers. "Why are you nervous now? You’ve been preparing for this your entire life."

"This whole thing is pointless. Humans aren’t ready and our people will have to wait another thousand years no matter who I choose. Why can’t I have more time to fall in love?"

"Kieran," She squared her shoulders and lifted her chin, looking every bit like the queen she was. "You will do it because the High Council requires it. There is too much at stake for our family and our people."

Ha! Required to fall in love on schedule! Poor thing. 
Anyway...I like this beginning. We know right away that Kieran isn't human, that he's from somewhere else, and that he's supposed to fall in love as Prince of the Reparation - whatever that means. We can also sense his reluctance and his mother's calm that's-the-way-it-is attitude. What we don't know is the backstory (what's the Reparation?), what Kieran has been doing among the humans he doesn't think much of, and who is he going to fall in love with? That's enough to make me turn the page :)

What do you think? Would you read on?

 

THE FOLLOWING

 

As promised, today we have the first page of Scott Abel's THE FOLLOWING, a YA paranormal romance/suspense novel. My comments will be purple and as always, I hope you'll add yours. A big thanks to Scott for submitting and if you'd like your first page critiqued here, by yours truly, just send it along to: unicornbellsubmissions@gmail.com.

Marie knew she shouldn’t appear, (the word 'appear' here, implies a suddenness to me, like a ghost might suddenly appear, which may very well be the appropriate word. But if Marie has arrived of her own volition then I might use a different word) and she’d probably get in trouble for it – she’d been warned more times than could be counted. However, the thrill of seeing Parker up close and in person proved far too strong. Besides, if she really were on thin ice with Markus, there was only one way to find out.

Heavy mist matted her clothes against her like a wet paper towel, and the sweet, crisp smell of approaching rain permeated the night air. She closed her eyes and took a slow, deep breath.

Cloaked in darkness, she moved in silence, camouflaging and timing every step with each gust of wind and rustle of leaves. Nothing - no sound, no shifting of shadows - hinted at her approach despite her physical presence.

Marie continued her stealthy advance toward Parker’s house. Her pulse quickened when it came into view.

Three large oak trees shaded the front yard, obscuring part of the house, but as she walked closer more could be seen. Except for the white brick, it was a carbon copy of the other ranch-style houses in the neighborhood - long, with a low roof and attached two-car garage on the side. Flowerbeds flanked the front door and overflowed with holly bushes and shrubs. Small lights illuminated a wooden sign carved in the shape of a football with “#12” and “Parker” painted on it. A basketball hoop stood to the side of the driveway, the tell-tale sign that youth inhabited the home. A thick row of trees bordered the driveway as an informal property divider. I like this description - I get a perfect picture - but I might shorten it just a tad.

Marie snuck across the front of the house, and the corners of her mouth turned up in a grin. 

Well! Lots of interesting and curious things happening here. First, why is Marie sneaking and why will seeing Parker give her a thrill? Who is Parker? And who is Markus? And why will she be on thin ice with him if she's discovered? These questions alone would be enough to make me turn the page to find out what's going on here but, in order to draw me in even further, I want to know something more about Marie. If she's on the first page she must be important, probably a main character. If I'm going to want to follow her I'll need to connect with her more. For example, why is she defying Markus? Does she want to test him? What sort of person is Marie? What's her situation? You don't have to give all of this away - in fact, I'd recommend you didn't! - but maybe just a little more to bond the reader with Marie.

So. That's my opinion of this first page. What's yours? Agree? Disagree? Do tell.

 

This week at Unicorn Bell

 Me again, offering first page (or what have you) critiques for anyone who wants to polish a page or two. I will do my best to tell you what's working, what's not, and how I might go about improving your submission. All you have to do is send me something, 500 word limit, and let me know what genre.

Send submissions to unicornbellsubmissions@gmail.com

Tomorrow I'll offer my thoughts on the first page of Scott Abel's YA paranormal romance/supernatural suspense novel: THE FOLLOWING.

Carrots and Blythe Grow Up Together

Thanks to YouTube for providing the clips this week, but more importantly...

THANK YOU 

to all who participated in our first blogfest of 2014.

There were all kinds of different love posts to enjoy. What was your favorite entry? Please tell us in the comments so we can give a shout out to those bloggers one more time. If you missed the list with all the blog participants, click HERE.

I have to end the week with Anne Shirley. She has been my kindred spirit since I was twelve years old. We are alike in so many ways that if she had lived in real life I'd know for a fact I was her reincarnated. One of the things I love about Anne and Gilbert is that they were childhood classmates who grew up to be more.

It sort of reminds me of me and my hubby who met when we were twelve. Friendship to love is always the best kind in my mind. The kind of love with real staying power.

Simply Irresistible!

For the rest of the week, I'll be providing romantic inspiration in the form of some of my favorites. Thanks to YouTube for providing the clips!

To find the linky with all the blog participants, click HERE.

Have you ever heard of the Sarah Michelle Gellar movie Simply Irresistible? I don't think it's well known, but it's a "cute" movie about food, magic and love. I couldn't find a YouTube clip of the scene I wanted to share, but here's the movie trailer for your enjoyment.

 What romantic movies float your boat? Please tell us in the comments!

You Can't Just Go Around Kissing People!

For the rest of the week, I'll be providing romantic inspiration in the form of some of my favorites. Thanks to YouTube for providing the clips!

To find the linky with all the blog participants, click HERE.

Chris Pine. Need I give any other reason for why I adore The Princess Diaries 2?


And another scene...

As You Wish

For the rest of the week, I'll be providing romantic inspiration in the form of some of my favorites. Thanks to YouTube for providing the clips!

To find the linky with all the blog participants, click HERE.

The Princess Bride is perhaps one of the most easily quoted movies in my repertoire. Even my kids know most of the movie by heart. The humor is priceless, and so is the sweetness of true love.




And you can't talk about Princess Bride without shouting, "I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!"

All the Right Words, but the Wrong Guy

For the rest of the week, I'll be providing romantic inspiration in the form of some of my favorites. Thanks to YouTube for providing the clips!

To find the linky with all the blog participants, click HERE.

My daughters and I have watched a lot of chick flicks together. A LOT! Especially when we got to TN to visit my mom and sisters. Hey, don't judge, it's the thing to do! We've watched this one a hundred times, at least.

This scene breaks my heart each time. Masimo is such a sweet kind guy. He's doing everything right, and Mary tries here to go with it. However, he's just not the right guy.

Top 5 Doctor Who Kisses According to Someone

For the rest of the week, I'll be providing romantic inspiration in the form of some of my favorites. Thanks to YouTube for providing the clips!

To find the linky with all the blog participants, click HERE.

Yeah, I'd rearrange these a bit myself, but as a Doctor Who geek, I had to share. Move Amy to #5 because she always sort of bugged me (but I loved Rory!). I'd also move the kiss with Rose to #3. Why? Because I love the Doctor and River. Their story was one of the most bittersweet of the Whoverse in my opinion.

Tension, Some People Got It

For the rest of the week, I'll be providing romantic inspiration in the form of some of my favorites. Thanks to YouTube for providing the clips!

To find the linky with all the blog participants, click HERE.

Those who follow my blog have learned that although I like to complain about the writers getting silly on the TV show Bones, I still love it. I watch because it's got two gorgeous people in it with great romantic tension.

Come on, David Boreanaz? Emily Deschanel?

Love Against His Will

For the rest of the week, I'll be providing romantic inspiration in the form of some of my favorites. Thanks to YouTube for providing the clips!

To find the linky with all the blog participants, click HERE.

Sometimes love is not only awkward but down right "catty". This is one of my all time favorite scenes from the 1995 BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. The emotions simmer and boil and make everything that comes later all the more wonderful.

Love is in the Air Blogfest

Whoo hoo! It's time for our first blogfest of 2014...in honor of the quickly approaching Valentine's day...

It's a celebration of that little thing called love. Be it steamy or sweet, puppy, kitty, teen, aggravating, first kiss or final goodbye, let your scene tug at our heartstrings. Starting tomorrow, I'll share some of my favorite love scenes from books, TV and movies here.

Do you have a favorite love scene that you think I should mention? Tell us about it in the comments! 

Share your lovey dovey post on your blog today, make sure you're signed up in the linky below, and then visit and comment on the other blogs on the list.

Soul Cutter

Today, I'd like to welcome Lexa Cain to the blog. She has some advice on finding your very own agent!

Getting an Agent 

I got my agent through sheer determination and the refusal to give up. During that time, I learned a few things.

Most sites with agent lists only cover US agents, but there are lots of UK and even a few international agents to choose from. Find them by googling and searching every agent list, including Preditors & Editors. One of the good things about UK agents is they generally want you to submit the first three chapters rather than just five-to-ten pages. That gives your writing a better chance to impress them.

During months of requests (Yay!) and rejections (Boo!), keep checking the lists. New agents may be added. (That’s how I found my agent -- she had left an agency and started her own.)

Read agent tweets and blog posts for wish lists and special submission times. An agent closed to subs may open again when you least expect it.

Most importantly, don’t be discouraged. Some writers rack up 100 or 200 rejections before getting an offer. Keep believing your agent is out there and keep trying!


Lexa's book is Soul Cutter.

The Soul Cutter is hunting again.

Seventeen-year-old Élan spends her free time videoing psychic scams and outing them online. Skepticism makes life safe—all the ghosts Élan encounters are fakes. When her estranged mother disappears from a film shoot in Egypt, Élan puts her medium-busting activities on hold and joins the search.

In Egypt, the superstitious film crew sucks at finding her mom. When a hotel guest is killed, whispers start—the locals think their legendary Soul Cutter has come back from the dead. Élan's only ally is Ramsey, a film-crew intern, but he’s arrogant, stubborn—and hiding dangerous secrets.

When Élan discovers the Soul Cutter is no scam, she finds herself locked in a deadly battle against a supernatural killer with more than her mother’s life at stake.

Élan is fighting for her very soul.


Publisher's Link for Excerpt

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Buy Links:
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MuseItUp Publishing

Author Bio:
Lexa Cain lives a stone’s throw (if you throw it really hard) from the beautiful beaches and turquoise waters of the Red Sea. Despite the scenic delights, she’s an indoor gal *cough* couch potato *cough* and can usually be found hunched over her computer, working on YA and NA projects, including a sequel to Soul Cutter.

Feel free to stalk her here:
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