Suspense Submission #1

It’s easiest to steal from those who have never been cold. Jackson was full of openings [is there a better way to say this? Some way to make it stronger and get rid of 'was'], too comfortable in his own house, too loaded down with good food and arrogance to think someone might slip in and take what was rightfully his. [I love this line of thinking. Originally, I thought the second sentence should be broken up for emphasis, but now I'm not sure. Anyone have thoughts on that?]

It took no longer than [this is unnecessarily wordy. You could say 'it only took a brush...] a brush, a bump, and in the grinding mass of bodies, I had slipped away before he could turned around. He didn’t even realize it was gone, or that I was [had been] there. Why would he, when Triss was on the opposite side of the room?

As quick as my hands are, that’s how slow Triss dances. [This sentence was confusing to me. Try something like, 'My hands are quick, but Triss dances slow.] It doesn’t matter what’s playing, her movements seem to run on half-speed, her arms chasing [chasing sounds fast. Can you find a slower word--tracing maybe?] her hips down in long, loose spirals. Then her back seems to unfolds, her legs straighten and her shoulders dip left and right as she eases herself fully vertical.

Maybe I’ve given too much credit to my fast hands, but it doesn’t matter. The key was safely in my pocket., so The job was done. and I made a short circuit to the kitchen and back. Triss would be thirsty and since it was Jackson’s party, of course he had Dr. Pepper and Cherry Coke ready for her.[I'm assuming that if we had been reading the story we would know why this detail is important because we would know the three characters better.] The bottles had been sitting on the counter instead of in the fridge, but there was ice. When I brought the glass to Triss, the perfect 50/50 mix, Jackson was leaning leaned over her, one arm braced against the wall behind her head. Like he owned her,[I'd put a period here for emphasis.] Or maybe like she was some smaller kid he was hitting up with the choice to pay up or get smoked. Someone else watching them might have thought they were about to kiss, but Triss’s eyes met mine the moment I stepped into the room and she didn’t blink once while I wound through the dozens of kids shaking and grinding to Skrillex. [Holy long sentence. Try breaking it up into two.]

As I held out the drink, she slipped out from under him. In one fluid movement, she steered the glass to her mouth and draped an arm around my waist. The two of us still hadn’t broken eye contact.

This was before she stabbed him, so he wasn’t all that invested. Triss was still just his betting partner not his... whatever he thought she was afterwards, so he just gave a twisted grin and tossed back the dregs of his beer. [This is where I got totally lost. Once again, it might be clearer if I had been reading everything before this. This is narrator commentary as if he were looking back at the event right? What threw me is the rest of the selection doesn't feel like that so it threw me off. I flounder and thought, "What? when did she stab him?"]

With her face less than a foot from mine, Triss finally blinked, just at the moment I was imagining her lizard tongue darting up to moisten her eyeball. [I'm guessing this is sci fi or fantasy?] She said, “Five hundred on a long-shot hook-up.”

Jackson laughed. “Five minutes in my locked bedroom.” He hesitated and his eyes flickered over my face. I could feel it, even though my gaze was still locked on hers. “Just the two of us. Alone,” he added. [I'm wondering who the hook up is with. Triss or the narrator. And five minutes isn't very long.]

Triss turned to look at Jackson, but didn’t draw her arm away from me. “Done.”

They clinked glasses, though Jackson’s was empty.

There are some things in here that intrigue me. I'm wondering what the key opens and what the narrator plans on stealing. I'm also curious about the relationship between these players, and who the hook-up is aimed at. 

As for the suspense. There is a little at the end with the "Five hundred on a long-shot" statement, but even here I'm not sure what's at stake. I think you could build more suspense by making us worry that Jackson will find the key is gone and that he would suspect the narrator. The way it is set up now, the narrator is confident that they won't get found out. Their fingers were quick, their were lots of bodies, and Triss has Jackson's attention from across the room. They aren't worried or anxious about being found out, so I'm not either. This would be an easy fix though. You have all the elements ready to put into play.