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Tuesday, August 6, 2013

SERENITY part two


Today we have the second part of Connie's first chapter. My comments are in blue and I hope you'll add yours.


SERENITY (cont)
            He nodded and wrapped up the service.  My mom stumbled through the wet grass in her heels, although whatever substance was in her system probably aided her imbalance.  Quill turned me and led me back towards the building that housed the offices of the Funeral Home. 
            “Ren.” 
            I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I turned around to face my mom.
            “Ren,” she said losing her balance and falling forward into me.  I stepped back into Quill who grabbed my arms to steady me.
            She started petting at my hair and collapsed into my arms crying. How awful and embarrassing. Also a good way to make us sympathize with Ren.
“God dammit Quill get me out of here,” I stepped on Quill’s feet trying to retreat.
“C’mon Mel. Let’s go.  I got you.”  Her stupid ass boyfriend took her shoulders and pulled her away at the same time Quill pulled me to the car. The mom’s boyfriend’s sudden appearance is a bit jarring, imo.
“I hate her.” I gritted my teeth and balled my fist. 
Quill didn’t say anything, he just started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.
I dropped my head into my hands.
            I didn’t know what we were going to do. So who is we? Her and Quill? And what does she mean by this? Do about what? I think I’d like a little more clarity. Not about everything, because curiosity is what will keep the reader turning the pages, but about who’s who at least. It would be nice to know whether Quill is the protective boyfriend or relative. Otherwise I am interested in finding out more about what’s going on and who these people are.

2 comments:

Patchi said...

I agree with Marcy that we need a bit more info on Quill and Ren. All I know is that he's there and he's not reading her mind. But then I'm not either and I should be in her POV. I'm assuming there is a problem caused by the grandmothers death, but it better show up in the next page to hold my interest.

Also, you can add little details to make the scene come to life, like "mom stumbled through the wet grass in her [four-inch] heels".

Huntress, aka CD Coffelt said...

He nodded and wrapped up the service. My mom stumbled through the wet grass in her heels, although whatever substance was in her system probably aided her imbalance. Quill turned *cut-me* and led me back *cut-towards* insert ‘to’ the building that housed the offices of the Funeral Home.

“Ren.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before I turned *cut-around- to face my mom.

You don’t need to use the word ‘me’ twice in the third sentence. Once will suffice. IMO, ‘towards’ is unnecessary. Use ‘to’ instead. And cut ‘around’ because it is implied. Suggestion:
“I turned and faced my mom.”

I was taught never to use the word ‘hate’ in reference to another human. It jars my senses. Just a bit of my personal upbringing, not a writerly thing. No need to cut it though. It’s my hang-up not yours:)